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Alex Through the Looking Glass: Day Nine


Contains explicit male/male sex, BDSM, and disturbing themes.

Pairing: Mulder/Krycek/Krycek

Summary: Alex Krycek finds himself face-to-face with another version of himself in an alternate universe—a very dangerous and seductive Alex Krycek. Alex quickly realizes he may not live to see the morning, much less ever return to his own world.


Disclaimer: The X-Files belong to Chris Carter and Ten-Thirteen Productions. No infringement is intended.


It was almost time to go. The experiment with the MRI had been set for midnight, and it was now nearly eleven, time to head for the subway and the hospital where Scully would be waiting. They’d gone over everything again and again, strategizing and running scenarios until Alex’s head spun, ticking off the list of things to do twice, then three times, then starting over again from scratch. Alex wore his precious leather jacket, a gift from his brother, and the Mephisto boots and other clothes Mulder had bought for him. His weapons, fully loaded, were safely tucked away in holsters at the small of his back and his left ankle. In the back pocket of his jeans, he had a wallet full of worn bills, and a driver’s license and credit cards with Krycek’s—his—photograph and the name of a stranger he would now become. And in his jacket pockets were stuffed the other proofs and souvenirs of his stay in this universe—the John Lennon CD that would never be made in his universe, printouts of the code he’d need to break into the DOD computers to find the files detailing the alien conspiracy—just a precaution, since the lines of code were also committed to memory. And the letter from one Mulder to another, with Mulder’s signature scrawled across the seal, which Mulder had presented to Alex, finally, with reddened eyes and a slight tremble in his hand.

Alex might have trembled himself, but he merely nodded and thanked Mulder quietly and tucked the letter into his pocket. By some unspoken agreement, they’d all been matter-of-fact and businesslike all day, making no reference to the long night of wonderful and exhausting lovemaking, or to any of the previous days’ events, except insofar as they affected the upcoming experiment to get Alex home. Despite the fact that the day had been long, filled with hours that might have been used to steal one last blow job, or one last fucking, no one had made any attempt to take the opportunity. Alex had ignored the ache in his butt, not even taking the time to inspect himself for the fresh bruises he knew would be there. It was as if they all knew that it was time for Alex to go, and had made up their minds from here on to look forward only, and to leave their time together behind.

Which was as it should be, and Alex knew it as well as anyone. It was time to go, and they’d had their last night together, and it had been as beautiful and satisfying as any night could possibly be, and any further play would only be, well, anticlimactic. But as the clock ticked closer and closer to eleven, he felt his throat begin to tighten and his hands begin to sweat, and his heart demanded one last goodbye.

* * *

They were standing near the door, going over their mental checklists one final time. Alex pulled his hands out of his pockets, crossed his arms, and cleared his throat. Krycek and Mulder both turned to look at him—and as the understanding of what he meant to do dawned on them, they both went still—Krycek with a spark of amused resignation in his eyes; and Mulder with a sudden stiffening, a little shock of indrawn breath, his face a mixture of reluctance and anticipation, almost as when Krycek called him to heel. Alex didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“All right,” he said, then stopped for a deep breath, and continued, with a wry smile, “I know neither one of you really wants to do this. But you’re just going to have to indulge me, because I’m not leaving until I get to tell you… tell you.…” Tears filled his eyes, and he had to stop for another quick breath. “Okay, I’m not going to promise not to cry. But I won’t make a big scene, I promise. I just have to tell you both what you’ve meant to me before I go.”

Krycek nodded, one brief motion of his head. Even Mulder tried to smile. Alex grinned back at him, then stepped forward and took Mulder in his arms, pulling him tight, and giving him a long, deep, wet kiss. He couldn’t help the stray thought that told him that this might be the last time he’d hold any Mulder in his arms, and he pulled him tighter still, memorizing the feel of his strong back, the sharpness of his shoulderblades, the lean hardness of his thighs, the heat of his full mouth. He kissed him for a good long time, then finally let him go and stepped back. “Thank you, Mulder.” Alex could hear the roughness in his own voice. He swallowed and went on. “You’ve been so good to me. You always tried to make me feel welcome and to help me when you could. I know it hasn’t always been easy for you having me here. But you know I never meant for anything I did to hurt you—no, I’m not going to apologize any more. But you know how I feel.

“Take care of him.” He glanced at Krycek, smiled, then turned back to Mulder. “I know you think he doesn’t need taking care of, but everybody needs to be taken care of sometime, at least a little. So when you can, you take care of him. I know he’ll take care of you.”

Mulder nodded briefly, trying to be solemn, but unable to contain a hint of amusement at the corner of his mouth at Alex’s earnest instructions. Then his face crumpled, and he threw his arms around Alex and held him tightly, heart pounding against Alex’s chest. When he pulled away, Alex could see traces of tears hastily wiped on Alex’s shirt. He managed a smile, and brought up one hand to cup Alex’s cheek. “You said to me once that you weren’t my Krycek, but you hoped I had enough feelings to let a little slip over on you.”

Alex lowered his gaze, feeling his face go pink—yes, he’d said it, but it sounded awfully forward taken out of context like that. Mulder lifted Alex’s chin, smiling at him gently. “I wanted to tell you this then, but we had other things to talk about and I let the moment pass. It’s not just that you’re him, although that has to be part of it—despite the differences, there’s no denying that you are the same person, and some of the way I feel about him is in the way I feel about you. But that’s not all of it. You are your own unique and special version of Alex Krycek.”

His hand stroked Alex’s face. “We’ve had our rough spots—and I don’t want you apologizing for it,” he added before Alex had the chance to do more than get his mouth open, so he closed it sheepishly and let Mulder go on, “But most of the time you’ve been here, I’ve felt like a kid in a candy store.” He paused for another hug, arms wrapped tightly around Alex, body fitting to his in the way only a Mulder could. Then he spoke into Alex’s ear. “I wish we could keep you. But I know that’s greedy of me, to want two Kryceks, when there are Mulders out there who don’t have any.” He moved away a little, then, kissed Alex’s cheek and whispered softly, “Yours needs you back.”

He held Alex for a long moment in a sort of half-embrace, hands gripping Alex’s arms, chest and cheek just touching. Then, finally, he stood back. He had stopped trembling, and his face was clear of tension, although not of pain. “But anyway, the answer to your question is yes, I have enough feelings. More than enough.”

Alex paused for a moment. He wanted to tell Mulder he loved him, but maybe that would be too much for him. Krycek thought so, although perhaps Alex’s love wouldn’t be quite as overwhelming for him as Krycek’s would be. Still. If you ever think he needs to know I loved him, tell him, he aimed the thought to Krycek, who accepted it and agreed. He nodded to himself, then said,

“I don’t know if my Mulder will ever forgive me. You know how much I want him to, and how hard I’ll try. But if he doesn’t, at least I’ll know that there’s a Mulder somewhere who did, and that will make it a little bit easier to bear.” He gave Mulder another brief, firm hug. “Thank you.”

* * *

Then he turned to Krycek. “My brother,” he said softly. Had he ever called him that out loud before? It didn’t seem that he had. But certainly Krycek had heard him say it, just the same. “I suppose we don’t really need to do this out loud. You can feel how I feel. But I want to say it.” He fell into Krycek’s arms, and the tears began. To lose this connection, this sense of belonging—how could he bear it? There would never be anyone like this again. Lovers always said such things, but in this case it was quite literally true. He held his brother tightly, and pressed his face into his neck. “I love you so much. You’ve changed my life, you know. Whatever happens from here on out, it will be better, because of you. Thank you for my game plan. Thank you for everything.” He kissed him then, and the mouth on his was his own, and the arms around his back were his own, and the heart pounding against his chest was his own. Their minds flowed together, and there was nothing else to say, because they were the same person.

* * *

Gradually, he felt Krycek’s mind disengage, in the way that meant he had something say, and wanted space to make the words come out just right. Krycek’s grip on him loosened, enough so that they could look into each other’s eyes, and Alex could see the great wash of emotion on his brother’s face, that showed only in the brightness of his eyes, and the resolute set of his mouth.

“I will see you again,” Krycek declared, quietly but with absolute authority. You couldn’t help but believe him, Alex thought, blinking away his tears. He has ordered it, and the universe has no choice but to obey. “I don’t know when or how, but as certain as I was that you would go home, I am just as certain that someday we’ll see each other again.” He smiled, and it was warm and affectionate and ironic, and purely Krycek. “So don’t be sad, Little Brother. This is not the end.”

Alex thought their embrace would never end. He also thought, when it did, he must surely dissolve into the floor, because his knees would never hold him up again. But when Krycek stood back from him, they did. The strength and support his brother offered was still flowing into him, making him steady and solid. “I love you,” he said softly, almost under his breath.

Krycek laid one hand on Alex’s shoulder, a comradely gesture, yet one that conveyed all the depth of emotion Alex now knew was there. “It has been a great privilege to know you, Little Brother. Now, let’s get you home.”

* * *

Alex wiped his eyes and managed a shaky grin, with at least some of the old cockiness in it. “There, see, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” And Krycek grinned back at him, but Mulder, perhaps was not quite so sure.

* * *

Then they turned and went out the door together.

Back to Day Eight | Continue to Day Ten and Beyond