ADULTS ONLY<\/p>\n
Contains explicit male\/male sex, BDSM, and disturbing themes.<\/em><\/p>\n Pairing: Mulder\/Krycek\/Krycek<\/p>\n Summary: Alex Krycek finds himself face-to-face with another version of himself in an alternate universe\u00e2\u20ac\u201da very dangerous and seductive Alex Krycek. Alex quickly realizes he may not live to see the morning, much less ever return to his own world.<\/p>\n 1999<\/p>\n Disclaimer: The X-Files belong to Chris Carter and Ten-Thirteen Productions. No infringement is intended.<\/p>\n DAY FIVE<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Alex was allowed to sleep in the next morning, even after Mulder and Krycek got up\u00e2\u20ac\u201dMulder, to return to D.C., and Krycek to work in the living room. It was an unaccustomed luxury to be allowed to stay in bed alone, and one he meant to take full advantage of, still feeling wrung out and weak as a kitten. So he remained in bed for an hour or so, even after he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d come fully awake, lying in the cool linen sheets, gazing at the ceiling, and watching the plays of shadow and light on the curtains, and thinking determinedly of nothing at all. He took his time about getting up, and then about showering and getting dressed, checking himself over for bruises and sore spots, as he always did after a wild weekend in the city, both as a check on whether he might have let things get out of hand and need to be more careful in the future, and as a pleasant reminder of activities enjoyed. There weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t any\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand he shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have been surprised; he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been spanked but not whipped, the bondage had been fairly limited, the penetration nothing extreme. Still, somehow, it seemed strange that he should be physically unmarked after everything they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d done. He felt quite thoroughly debauched.<\/p>\n At last, he wandered out to the living room. Krycek was on the couch, notebook computer in his lap, intent on his work. Even sitting quietly, his presence filled the room, almost like the tang of ozone that lingers in the air after a lightning strike. It was enough to make Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s breath quicken, though he noted his rising desire with something like dismay. He was worn out, in no shape for another round of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lessons. He needed to rest. Yet it seemed impossible to be so close and not to touch him. What would be the chances of getting something simple and nice for a change? Alex debated with himself for a moment, then thought, What the hell, the worst he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll do is tell me to get off him,<\/em> and sat next to Krycek, laid his head on his shoulder and slipped an arm around his waist.<\/p>\n Krycek responded by putting his arm around him and pulling him closer. Alex snuggled happily against him. All right, this was encouraging. Maybe it was possible after all. And while he was at it.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Krycek?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hmm?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you ever just\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 fuck? You know, plain vanilla, no mind games, no pain, just fuck?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek closed the computer and set it aside, then looked at Alex thoughtfully for a moment. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been known to do that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Would you do it with me? Now?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Still thoughtful. His hand reached up to toy with Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hair. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you want me to do?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just fuck me. You know. Some kissing, some stroking, and a nice hard fuck. Nothing fancy.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Like your Mulder did it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex frowned. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No mind games, I said. Jesus, you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop for a minute, can you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just asking,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he replied mildly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I want to know how you want it. Gentle and tender?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That would be nice.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek turned to face him. His eyes were intense. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Think about it, Alex. Is that really what you want? Is it going to make you happy afterwards?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He thought about it. Krycek had done it to him like Mulder, that first day. So sweet and gentle. Creepy how he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d known just how Mulder had fucked him, right down to the nonsense whispered in his ear, and the tender kisses blotting the shamed, misunderstood tears from his cheeks. The slow, slow entrance and the easy strokes\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyes, Mulder had treated him like he was made of glass, like he was something precious and innocent, when truly it was Mulder who was the innocent, and Alex was a treacherous, lying whore. It had broken his heart then, when Mulder did it, and it had broken his heart doubly when Krycek did it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dheld up his treachery in front of him and made him face it. Punished him for it, but never enough.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n He sighed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, I guess not.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek smiled, like a teacher whose wayward pupil had finally gotten the answer right. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So what do you want?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Maybe just a buddy fuck.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d God, did he have to make everything a test? If damn Krycek thought he knew so well what Alex wanted, why didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he just give it to him?<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No kissing and hugging, then.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s smile teased. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just bend over and take it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, I want kissing.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what you want. How am I supposed to do what you want if you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what it is?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex grinned at him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, I know I want to be fucked.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek grinned with him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You do like that, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have the slightest shyness about liking being on the receiving end of anal sex. It felt so damned good, he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand why everybody didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like it too, if you gave it a chance. Same body, after all. Same nerve endings.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But not the same preferences.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hell, you can top and get fucked at the same time. Haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you ever tried it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It felt strange to be sitting here, cuddling with Krycek, talking about sex like a couple of old friends. Strange, but good.<\/p>\n Krycek lifted an eyebrow, skeptical but teasing, encouraging Alex to go on.<\/p>\n Alex was good at talking sex. If he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been in the FBI, he could have been a great phone sex operator. It was a talent he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t shown Krycek yet. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153First, you make him rim you. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not the same since latex, but it still feels pretty good. You tell him just how you want him to do it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhen to lick, when to suck. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s got a great mouth, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve trained him really well, he could be so good at it. Bet he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d love worshiping your ass. Mm, think about those beautiful lips kissing you there, that soft, wet tongue working its way up your ass.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes had gone half-closed. A faintly amused smile still lingered on his face. Noncommittal, but willing to be entertained by the talk.<\/p>\n After checking Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s reaction, Alex looked away to concentrate and continued. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You can go on like that for hours, if you want to. It feels so good, but it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t take you over the edge. When you feel like you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve had enough, you tell him to stop. Then you make him lay on his back. His cock is hard and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really needing it. You make him lay still, and you straddle him. You can lube yourself, or you can make him do it. Hell, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure you can think of a humiliating way to make him lube you. Then you sit on his cock. You can move around to get the angle just right, take it in you as slow or as fast as you want. He wants to thrust, but he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t dare, because you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve ordered him to be still. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll drive him crazy, just lying there, unable to move, while you slide up and down on his cock. You can tell him to give you a hand job, or you can do it yourself. When you come, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll shoot all over him.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He smiled at Krycek. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153See? You haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let up on him for a second, and you still get yourself fucked.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek smiled back. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Maybe I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll let you do him that way the next time he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s here.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex shook his head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not my thing. On my face with my ass in the air, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s how I like it. Then I can just lie there and take it, and the other guy has to do all the work.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So you want me to do all the work?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah, but you like it that way.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You tell a good story.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s expression changed again. He was still smiling, but there was that cold little light that meant he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d thought of something fun to do. Fun for him, which did not necessarily mean fun for anyone else. Alex tried to keep his smile steady and waited. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll tell you what. You tell me a story about exactly what you want me to do with you now. Make it detailed and make it good. And if you make it good enough, and don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t include anything I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to do, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll take you then, just that way.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n It was like making a deal with the devil. You never got precisely what you thought you were getting, but you could never figure out just what you were missing until it was too late. Oh well. He was beginning to learn that Krycek never took you anywhere you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really want to go, even if he had to take you kicking and screaming. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to get me with this, I just know it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How, if I just do everything you ask me to?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know, but you will.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Up to you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He shrugged. No, Krycek never begged for anything, but somehow he still always got exactly what he wanted.<\/p>\n Never mind. Telling the story was part of the fun, he could always enjoy just doing that. But not sitting here like this, with Krycek looking at him like he was seeing right through him. It was too unnerving to watch the face while he talked. He wanted the reaction from the cock and the belly. And he knew the best way to get that.<\/p>\n He gave Krycek his cocky grin, then stretched out on the couch across Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lap, squirming his groin into Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, folding his arms under his chin. Better if they were naked, and they could rub their cocks together, and Krycek could slide his fingers in him while he talked\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthen Krycek rested the palm of his hand on Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s bottom, stroking in that cool, detached way of his, and Alex thought he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d explode right then. All right, leave the clothes on for now. Some other time, maybe.<\/p>\n He closed his eyes and let his imagination tell him what to say. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I want to be kissed. Deep and hard and long, with complete concentration. I want my mouth stretched wide, my head tipped back, my throat exposed and vulnerable. I want the kind of kisses you start wars for, unrelenting and uncompromising. I want to be kissed like my mouth is the only part of me that exists, like it exists only to be kissed.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Yes, that was working. He could feel Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock moving beneath him, growing, crawling up his pants. He smiled to himself and put his mind into his fantasy. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I want to be kissed until I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m nothing, until I barely exist. Then slowly, gradually, I want to have my body brought back by careful, precise touches. First my neck and face, my ears and collarbone. Press your fingers into my throat, remind me that my life is there, under your hands. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m naked and exposed, completely open to you. Touch me all over my body, wherever it pleases you, use it like it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s your own body, nothing withheld.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n This was getting dangerous now\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe was too damned close to saying, Own me, take possession, I give myself to you\u00e2\u20ac\u201d<\/em>once said, even in the heat of passion, even in fantasy, the words would be irrevocable and he would be lost. He would belong, body and soul, to this man, this doppelganger, this other self. He would be instructed and disciplined, complete obedience demanded, utterly enslaved. And part of him wanted it desperately\u00e2\u20ac\u201dto give up control, to put his life in the other\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands, to allow his psyche to be opened up and torn apart, the most dread smoldering secrets taken out and fanned into flame, to be put out by cleansing, perfect pain.<\/p>\n If he were of this universe, perhaps he would. Certainly he would; why pretend otherwise? But he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t belong here. He had a Mulder of his own somewhere, a Mulder who was suffering and alone. The relationship between the Mulder and Krycek of this universe gave him some hope that someday he might be able to win his own Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s forgiveness and love. So he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d better hang onto himself, not get lost in this seductive submission, not forget that he had a responsibility somewhere else that he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t give up.<\/p>\n Of course, he could let himself be borrowed now and then.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m lying on my back while you do this, following your instructions, moving or not moving as it pleases you. Your touch is making me gasp and moan\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI can hardly bear it, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s so good. You touch my nipples, my cock, the inside of my thighs, wherever your hands want to go. My whole body is alive to you, I quiver and gasp at the slightest touch\u00e2\u20ac\u201dto the inside of my wrist, my knee, my belly. Your touch is firm, commanding, not needing permission to go where it wants. You can slap or pinch if you like, be teasing or rough, or just stroke. Whatever you do sets me on fire.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand was gripping his buttock hard. His other hand slid onto Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder and held tightly there.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153When you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re ready, you turn me onto my stomach and begin to open me up. You use lots of lube, get me all wet and slippery. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need much preparation, but I like fingers in me, so you take your time and work me hard with your hand. I go soft inside for you, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m throbbing and hot and tight on your fingers. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just about out of my mind with it by the time you stop to put on the condom and guide your cock into me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He could hear Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s quickened breathing now, and the cock under his was pulsing with need. Yeah, he was going to get it, just the way he wanted it. The manipulator manipulated\u00e2\u20ac\u201dfinally, one to Alex.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You slide into me like butter. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to start out slow or careful, you just slam into me, fucking me hard, giving me what I deserve. I need it so bad, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m almost screaming. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m crazy for the feel of your cock up my ass, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m moving, squirming, thrusting my hips back, trying to get you deeper into me, wanting to feel your cock right up to my throat. When I come, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all for you, all for you, because.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been about to say, you own me.<\/em> He just barely managed to stop in time. He lay across Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lap, gasping, almost as if he really had just come. Too serious. Too dangerous. There were always traps, weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t there? Always ways to lose, even when you won. He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop shaking.<\/p>\n He pushed himself over onto his back, his butt now in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lap, knees drawn up, and managed a shaky smile. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Then there are explosions and building demolitions and volcanoes erupting and stuff like that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek laughed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Pretty good.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His own voice was slightly hoarse. There were glints of triumph in his eyes.<\/p>\n Then, finally, Alex saw his mistake. He was ready now, he just wanted to be fucked\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut Krycek was going to take him through it, step by agonizing step, from start to finish, just as he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d described it. It would be slow torture; he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d go mad long before they ever got to the fucking. He groaned. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Be careful what you wish for.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Because you might get it,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek finished the quote. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And you will<\/em> get it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Yes, he would. One to Krycek. Well, maybe they could call this one a draw.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n He held his arms over his head, gripping his own arm by the wrist, biting his lip, naked and trying very hard not to move while Krycek traced slow, lazy circles around his left testicle with one finger. Already it seemed like Krycek had been doing it for hours. Alex wished to hell he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just tie him up if he wanted him still, instead of demanding this impossible obedience. Well, almost impossible\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d done it, hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he? He was even a little bit proud of the way he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d endured, even though his cock was burning and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d nearly bitten his lip through and his breath was coming in hot, tortured gasps. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been very, very good\u00e2\u20ac\u201dmaybe Krycek would give him a lollipop when it was all over, if he managed to keep his control all the way through. Funny, he was learning self-control from this man. Learning to think about what he did before he did it. Learning not to be quite so impulsive. And getting the life fucked out of him at the same time. Not a bad deal.<\/p>\n Krycek patted him on the hip. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay, turn over. And you can move now. Wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want you to burst a blood vessel.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He nearly cried with relief. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, god, thank you.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He rolled over, squirming against the sheet. Until a slap on the butt got his attention.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t remember saying anything about talking.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex gritted his teeth and pressed his face into the mattress. Damn. He was doing so well. He was surprised by the sharpness of his disappointment in himself. It was just a game, wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it? But maybe not. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d apologize, but that would be talking, and he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make that mistake again. So he just lay quietly and waited for Krycek to tell him what to do.<\/p>\n Krycek stroked his shoulder gently. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re learning.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Why the hell did he always end up crying whenever Krycek fucked him? Never mind, they were good tears. Krycek soothed him for a while, then continued touching his body, acting out the story. Short of total breakdown, nothing was going to stop him from following it through to the end. Alex sighed. Surely Krycek must be burning up with it, too? Where did the man get his iron control? But it was a little easier now that he was on his stomach and Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s caresses were drawing closer and closer to the center. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d make it, and he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t disobey his instructions again.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Krycek was pounding into him now, finally, and it felt so good Alex thought he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d die. He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t believe he could take this much stimulation and still not come. Krycek had held him off several times, squeezing his balls just hard enough to let the imminent pressure subside. Alex was up on his knees now so that his cock didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t touch the mattress while Krycek fucked him. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d come when Krycek let him, and not a minute before. It was torture, but it was the torture he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d asked for, the torture he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d spelled out in graphic terms for himself. And he was willing to accept it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe wanted<\/em> to accept it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe was finally beginning to understand the joy in being honed to sharp steel by Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s necessary discipline.<\/p>\n The feeling began to build again, and he knew that nothing short of killing him was going to stop it this time. It didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t happen often, but he was capable of coming just from anal stimulation. This would surely be one of those times. But no, Krycek was not going to require that from him. He was close himself; it seemed he wanted Alex to come with him, for he reached beneath and gripped Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock in his hand.<\/p>\n The pressure of the hand on his cock was all he needed\u00e2\u20ac\u201dAlex was coming so hard there were stars behind his eyes. Krycek thrust into him hard and cried out. Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mind sang I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m yours, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m yours, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m yours.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/em> He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say it out loud, wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say it, even if he were allowed to speak. Those words would stay inside, only to be spoken to one person ever.<\/p>\n But his body screamed it.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n It was some time before either of them stirred. Krycek had rolled off onto his back, one arm flung over Alex, who remained face down, sprawled across the bed.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153God,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex grunted. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I thought my heart would stop.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek chuckled. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You tell a good story, Alex.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Huh. I think you improvised a little.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek rolled over onto his side, grinning, and stroked Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s back. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153A good story always leaves room for interpretation.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex lifted his head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If I could move, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d come over there and wipe that smug grin off your face.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sure how Krycek would react to this insubordination, but apparently his instructor was satisfied with the student\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s progress today, and would indulge a little impertinence.<\/p>\n Krycek smiled at him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So, did you get what you wanted?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex sighed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah. I got exactly what I wanted.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n They dozed for a little while longer. Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand was on his back, warm and reassuring, although there was no other contact between them. He could feel Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s creamy satisfaction, though, as palpable as a physical touch. Krycek was pleased with him; and that was worth a hundred hugs.<\/p>\n He smiled into the pillow. The sweat was cooling on his back and legs; it would reach the point of discomfort soon. Sometimes he played a game with himself, to see how long he could force himself to lie still, ignoring the chill of cool air on his skin, the twitches in limbs left sprawled in whatever awkward position they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been in when he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d collapsed, the sheet wadded under him or around a leg. If he managed long enough, sometimes he could worry himself horny again, although it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t likely this time\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been too thoroughly reamed to be ready again any time soon. But it was pleasant, testing himself this way. Pretending Krycek had ordered it, and he was enduring it for Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pleasure.<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand slid down his back and patted his bottom. Alex turned his head to smile hazily at his lover.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How are you doing?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek asked.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fine,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex breathed happily. Then he saw the intent look in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cold green eyes. And realized that this was not just after-sex small talk. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh. You mean\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 how am I doing<\/em>.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t quite suppress the snake of fear that crept through his gut and twitched in his cock.<\/p>\n Alex gave himself a little shake. This was foolish, the man only asked how he was doing. But he really wants to know. And he wants the truth.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m doing better, I think.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His voice had gone weak. He took a deep breath and forced himself calm. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m trying.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know you are.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand came up to rest on Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder. Still maintaining contact, providing reassurance\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut friendly now, allowing Alex a little space to gather himself up.<\/p>\n He managed a small laugh. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, this is definitely better than the way we woke up two days ago.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek shared the smile. Alex felt his stomach begin to unknot. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yesterday was nice. \u00e2\u20ac\u201dThank you for the jacket. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s gorgeous. And I loved being fucked in it. Thanks.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek nodded. His smile encouraged Alex to continue. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I talked to Mulder about\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 stuff. After you worked him over last night. We went to the jacuzzi and told each other dirty stories. But I suppose he told you about that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He told me a little. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d still like to hear what you have to say about it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His nervousness was fading, a little. Perhaps it had worked after all, to tell it to Mulder first. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I told him about my Mulder. About our first time, and a little about Montana. I think I told you about that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He remembered lying in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arms, frightened and disoriented, as much from the situation as from the drugs, long, disjointed sentences spilling out of him between sobs, quiet questions guiding him through it again and again.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 He still didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t remember everything he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d said to Krycek that first night, but he remembered Montana somewhere in that sobbing confession\u00e2\u20ac\u201dMontana, pain and shame.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You told me some of it. How did Mulder react?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He was nice. He kept telling me I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to tell him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe could see how much it was upsetting me. But I knew he really wanted to hear it. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s curious about my Mulder and me. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s trying to figure it all out.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Curious, questioning, eager to know everything\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat was one thing the Mulders had in common. Never willing to accept that there were some things he was better off not knowing. And then along came Alex, with his leather moves and game talk. He was like a bull in a china shop with this Mulder.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Look, I know my being here has been hard on your Mulder. He doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what to make of me, and I keep making the wrong assumptions, and he thinks too much, just like my Mulder. But I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t meant to hurt him, or make him unhappy. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry if I have.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek nodded. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worry, I can take care of Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d There was a trace of amusement in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes. Amused\u00e2\u20ac\u201dat Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s neverending stream of apologies? At the dynamic between two bottoms, endlessly angling to get under each other? Or perhaps he was enjoying mining the nuggets of confusion and pain that Alex was sowing in Mulder.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s incredible.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex sighed. Talented as a born courtesan, yet sensitive and delicate as a virgin, with a fine, intelligent imagination. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done an amazing job with him. I wish.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fingers brushed lightly along his jawline, making him shiver. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You wish what?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex felt himself go red. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wish somebody would train me like that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Somebody?<\/em> They both knew perfectly well who that somebody was.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not for me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you know why it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not for you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Not smart enough. Not strong enough. Not good enough.<\/p>\n But that wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t what Krycek wanted to hear. And it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the truth, not really. At least it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t as far as Krycek was concerned. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Because I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t belong here. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t belong to you. I belong to my Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s up to your Mulder to train you the way he wants you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n His own Mulder. Holding him, guiding him, punishing him. Whispering instructions in that low, delicious voice. Turning him over his knee, warming his bottom, telling him, It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all right. You need this. Let me take care of you.<\/em> Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s breath caught in his throat, as the poignant rush of aching desire filled him, tingling in his balls and his ass, making his cock burn.<\/p>\n His own Mulder, lost and alone and out of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s reach. Hating him.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hell,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex hissed, a lot more roughly than he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d meant, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153First, get me back in the same damn universe with him. And then, if he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t shoot me on sight, and if I manage somehow to convince him to forgive me, and if<\/em> he hasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t lost whatever attraction he might have ever had for me in the first place, and if<\/em> he decides he can risk carrying on an affair with me\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthen maybe I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll worry about how he wants me trained. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not like I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already got a lot of bad habits he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll need to work out of me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The terrible gentleness. The cold smile. Alex was caught in it, frozen like a deer in headlights, fear making his skin go acid. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you ready to give up? Because if you give yourself to me, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not letting you go. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t play games. If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re mine, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re mine.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n And it was all Alex could do to keep himself from crawling down the bed to worship at Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feet. His voice was very small. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m already yours. You know that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s expression changed, and Alex let out a breath he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know he was holding. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t given your consent to it, and neither have I. We can choose not to act on it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He stroked Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm gently. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hard. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hard for me, too.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Now he took Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chin in his hand, and smiled\u00e2\u20ac\u201done of the warm, friendly smiles this time. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how tempting it is for me to just forget what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s best and take you. But that isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t what you need right now. It isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t what either of us needs.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n It was reassuring, somehow, to know that Krycek was struggling with it, too. It should<\/em> be frightening. He knew he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t trust himself; he had to depend on Krycek to keep them both from making mistakes. And yet\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthey were just two men, after all, thrust into an unimaginable situation and doing the best they could to cope with it. And maybe mistakes didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to be fatal.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So what do we need?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Now there was the suggestion of a tease in the smile. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, here\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s where you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to have to help me, Alex. You have to tell me what you need.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. It was painted like a lazy summer sky, pale blue with fluffy white clouds, and gently waving tall grasses peeking up at the edges. No, not summer\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe blue was a little too pale for that. Late spring. Happy afternoons out in the back yard, feeling that first kiss of warm sun after the long winter. He wanted to just lie there and stare at it, imagining himself far away, lying in the grass, letting his mind drift in the clouds.<\/p>\n But Krycek was waiting for an answer. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You already know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re an old-fashioned leather boy.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He could feel Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s breath on his ear, warm and intimate. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But even leather boys have different styles, and different tastes. What does Alex need? What color handkerchief do you carry?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex felt his face grow hot. And why was he embarrassed? Damn it, he could walk into any leather bar or sex club in town, in full regalia, or stripped to his jockstrap, colors flying proudly, and tell total strangers what he wanted in graphic terms without blinking an eye, like the brazen slut he was.<\/p>\n But that was game. And this was real. He took a deep breath. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Navy blue.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He ventured one defiant glance at Krycek. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Right pocket, of course.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course. Never gray? Or fuschia?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The colors for bondage and spanking. Alex supposed his face must be fuschia just then. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. Light blue, sometimes, for a change of pace. Otherwise, just navy blue. The other stuff you can always add in, if things develop right. But by the time you get to setting up a whole scene like that, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re generally past the point of needing handkerchiefs.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a whole scene like?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Jeez.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Just pretend he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a trick, and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re planning a one-nighter.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/em> What were the chances Krycek would let him get away with that? \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, you saw what I did with Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He stopped to take a breath. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s basically what I like. Being tied up. Whipped, or spanked. I like\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 dildoes and butt plugs. And being fisted.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Silence. He steeled himself to look over at Krycek. Who was lying on his side, chin propped up on one elbow, gazing at Alex with a look that was open and non-threatening, and which nevertheless managed to convey that this response was completely unacceptable. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not telling me anything.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He stared at the ceiling. Did Krycek ever lie here and imagine himself far away? \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what you want me to say.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek reached across him to take his shoulder and pull him onto his side, facing him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If it makes you uncomfortable to talk about it, just say so. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t lie to me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n But it didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even feel like lying, it was just a reflex, like jumping when you burned your hand. And he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d screwed up again, without even knowing it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek nodded, accepting the apology, looking at him thoughtfully. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right. Look, the equipment isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t important, or the mechanics. I need to know what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going on inside of you when all this happens. I need to know where it takes you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex pulled away, without meaning to. It was too close, damn it, he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t deal with this\u00e2\u20ac\u201dKrycek lying so close to him, asking his terrible questions in his cool, quiet voice, expecting the truth, allowing Alex none of his defenses. It scared him, and it hurt, and damn it, he hated feeling this way\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhelpless and weak and stupid. If it was sex, it would be all right. If Krycek would get rough with him, slap him, order him to talk\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthen he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d tell him anything, in the sweet aching haze of lust, nothing would matter but his master\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands and his master\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s orders. Or if Krycek would back off just a little, let him have just a little protection, so he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to feel quite so helpless\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthen maybe he could talk about it. But not like this.<\/p>\n Frustrated, Alex pushed himself up and out of bed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Excuse me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he mumbled, and practically fled into the bathroom.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Alex leaned onto the sink and stared at his face in the mirror. Stupid,<\/em> he told himself. Hopeless, pathetic idiot.<\/em> He splashed more cold water onto his face, and scrubbed it roughly with the towel, as if he could wash the self-loathing from his eyes. But the same lost, frightened man looked back at him.<\/p>\n All Krycek wanted was for him to tell him what he liked in bed. That was all. And he jumped up and ran like a scared rabbit.<\/p>\n I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m scared,<\/em> he told the face in the mirror. The same face as on the man waiting in the bedroom for him. The same face, but not the same expression. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m still scared.<\/em> How long could a man go on, living in fear? It sapped his energy, destroyed whatever self-confidence he had, made him want to hide in groveling, submissive sex. Somehow, he had to find a way to stop being afraid. He had to be able to talk honestly to Krycek as an equal, not a slave. And that meant he had to find a way to separate the game from the reality of the situation.<\/p>\n So this conversation was important. He had to talk to Krycek so he could stop being scared, and he had to stop being scared so he could talk to Krycek. Damn. What were the chances of just staying here in the bathroom for the duration? Get Krycek to toss in a pillow and blanket and the occasional pizza, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just sleep in the tub and jerk off until.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n Until what? Until he died of old age? Until the aliens came back for him? Until Krycek got sick of him and put a bullet in his head?<\/p>\n Or until he pulled himself together, one more time, stopped talking to himself and went out there and talked\u00e2\u20ac\u201dto himself.<\/p>\n He stretched, rubbing his shoulder, which was sore again. God, he was a wreck. He wished he could go to a gym. He needed a good workout\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwith weights, not with sex toys.<\/p>\n So, supposing he just went out to Krycek and said, I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t deal with this now. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m too scared. Let me go, please.<\/em> No doubt Krycek would back off and he could avoid it for a little longer.<\/p>\n But it would still be there. And the fear wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to go away until he talked to Krycek about it.<\/p>\n If it went away even then. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t at all sure of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ability to reassure him. Oh, he knew what Krycek would do\u00e2\u20ac\u201dcalmly explain that he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to hurt Alex. That Alex was himself. Alex was safe, as long as his being there didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t threaten Krycek. And Alex would believe him, and it wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need to be reassured with logic\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhell, he could figure all that out for himself, and he could even make himself believe it\u00e2\u20ac\u201din his head, anyway. But not in his nerves, and in his gut. He needed to be emotionally reassured. He needed to be held and stroked and told that everything was going to be all right, even if it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. He needed to be made to feel that he meant something to Krycek, beyond an interesting puzzle and an enthusiastic, if occasionally troublesome, sex partner.<\/p>\n But Krycek wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do that. Oh, he would if Alex asked him to. He could throw another fit like he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d done two days ago, and Krycek would settle him down again. Or he could just calmly explain that his nervous system didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t always listen to his head, and some soothing nonsense would be greatly appreciated. But Alex wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to do that. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d made enough of a goddamn fool of himself already, damn it, and he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to make himself look even worse. And hiding in the bathroom wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to solve anything, either.<\/p>\n He took a deep breath and gave himself a stern look. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right, get out there and talk to him. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just you, damn it. And you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve never had a problem with talking to yourself.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Then he turned and went back into the bedroom.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Krycek had gotten up and put on a robe, and was sitting upright on the bed, back against a pillow, a glass in his hand. There was a pitcher of cold water on the nightstand next to the brandy decanter, and another tall glass. Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s robe\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe robe he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d used\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwas lying conveniently at hand across the foot of the bed. Alex shrugged into the robe and poured himself a glass of water, then joined Krycek on the bed.<\/p>\n It was a bit unnerving the way Krycek did that: instantly adjusting, pulling back, or offering comfort, always giving Alex just what he needed, and no more. Gentle and comforting, quietly intimate, matter of fact and businesslike, stern and demanding\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhatever the situation called for\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand no way of knowing if there were any real caring underneath all the carefully calculated responses. And if he was so good at this, why was he still so insistent on having Alex explain his sexual needs in all their Technicolor detail? Surely he could apply that calculation to their sexual encounters just as easily\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhy did Alex have to tell him anything? Was it just part of the domination, knowing how difficult it was for Alex to talk about it, to force him to squirm this way? But if it was a sexual thrill for him, why didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he just give Alex a slap or an order and make him do it?<\/p>\n But that would make it easier for Alex, and perhaps he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to make it easier. Perhaps he wanted it to be as difficult as possible. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t some crude leather master, who enjoyed having a slave in chains, crawling abjectly at his feet. His torments were cerebral and sensual, delicate and precise. Perhaps it was his pleasure to keep Alex balanced ever-so-carefully just on the edge of his control, watching him struggle desperately to maintain whatever little shreds of dignity Krycek allowed him to keep, knowing that a single, finely crafted push could send him over into sobbing hysteria. It would be the most subtle and cruelly elegant kind of foreplay, and he could keep it up indefinitely, even through the pleasure of experiences like this morning, or yesterday morning. Good as those times had been, there was still that frightening, humiliating awareness looming over it all: Krycek was playing Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s game, keeping it light, holding back. How long would he be content with holding back? When would he decide that the foreplay had gone on long enough, and it was time for Alex to feel the full force of his desires?<\/p>\n Or was he truly just trying to know Alex better? Holding back because he was unnerved himself by his Little Brother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s desperate and unpredictable responses? Hoping to discover a way to give Alex what he wanted without resorting to rote moves that had no resonance for him?<\/p>\n There was no way for Alex to know. And why should it make so much difference to him, anyway? Perhaps it would be better if Krycek really were just tormenting Alex for his pleasure. At least then he would know that his pain was there for a reason; that his inability to pull himself together was engineered by Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s desire, and not his own failure.<\/p>\n He sipped his water and sighed. How could they be so alike, and so different? \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you ever think about how we got to be who we are? Why you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re you and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s head tilted as he regarded Alex thoughtfully. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, of course. If the theory we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been working with is correct, there must have been a time when our universes were the same. You and I might really have been the same person at some point, until whatever happened to split the universes apart.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you think so? But it must have happened early. Our childhoods were different, weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t they? I mean, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got sisters and I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek was looking at him very strangely. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How did you know I have sisters? I never told you that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, you did. Yesterday, remember, right after you came home\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He stopped, suddenly, a shivering pit of fear forming in his stomach. Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes had gone wide and cold. No, Krycek hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t told him out loud\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d told him just the same. And was Krycek ever going to believe that? Or would he believe that Alex had finally slipped and made his mistake, revealing knowledge he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have unless he was a phony, and he was a liar after all, a soon to be very dead one\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 ?<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 you were thinking it,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he managed to choke out. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Something about incest and me and your sisters.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Fear had driven the memory clean out of him, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d better get it back or he was dead, Come on, Alex, think. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Was it incest to be sleeping with me? But no, you figured incest would be sleeping with your sisters. With me it was different. \u00e2\u20ac\u201dUntil just now, I thought you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d said it out loud. But you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, did you? You were just thinking it.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d And that was frightening enough in itself. Knowing where Krycek was, all right, needing to be near him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat was enough to deal with. But to have the man\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s own thoughts in his head\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthey were cold and frightening thoughts and he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want them, and damn it, why did there always have to be some new horror? Hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he had enough?<\/p>\n He could already be dead. Krycek would never let on, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just sit there talking calmly, while his mind raced, deciding how best to do it. There wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be the slightest indication that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d turned, until that moment came when Alex had let his guard down and turned his back, just for a moment, and then the hand would grab, the blade would slide across the throat, it might be so fast Alex would never know what hit him.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 He drew a sobbing breath, and sipped his water, and forced a trembling smile at Krycek, who continued to regard him with that cool, contemplative gaze.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you going to kill me now?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek shook his head, smiling faintly, and Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s heart thudded with relief. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve had flashes of your thoughts, too. I suppose I shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be surprised.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You believe me, then.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The words tumbled out of him.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I believe you. But it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not so much a matter of believing you as simple facts. If you were an imposter, you might know about my sisters when you weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t supposed to, yes. But I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how anyone could have known what was I was thinking yesterday morning unless he could read my mind. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s further proof that you are me, rather than the other way around.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like it though, you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to read his mind to see that. God, who would like knowing someone else could tell what he was thinking? This was trouble, and it could be more trouble for them down the line.<\/p>\n And god, Alex didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to think about that. Suddenly, talking about sex seemed trivial. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay, you know I like the leather scene.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Another deep breath. And was Krycek going to go for this evasion, even if it was the question he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d originally asked?<\/p>\n Yes, it seemed he was. He nodded, smiled encouragement, and settled back in his pillows.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex said again. He rubbed at his chest, as if he could calm his racing heart from the outside. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, I think one reason I like the scene is that it is<\/em> hard for me to talk about what I like. And there I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really have to. Everything is ritualized and coded so it can all happen without a lot of discussion. Or if you do, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all game talk and roles anyway, so it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s easier. And I like knowing what the rules are, knowing what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s expected of me, so I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make any mistakes. Unless they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re game mistakes, and then I get punished, but then it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all part of the game and I like that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek would still say he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t telling him anything. God, he was no good at this. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what to tell you. It just feels good. You know how it is when\u00e2\u20ac\u201dor maybe you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. When you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re tied up and helpless and getting whipped and fucked and it all starts to feel overwhelming but there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nothing at all you can do except lie there and take it.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 After a while, the sensation all bleeds together and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all the same, pain and pleasure, physical and emotional, and your mind just floats away and you stop thinking, all there is is feeling, and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s warm and dark and beautiful. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even know sometimes\u00e2\u20ac\u201dif I come, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all part of the same wonderful feeling. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 a meditation. An altered state. I love going there. And the leather scene\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe ritual\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what takes me there.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He glanced over at Krycek from under lowered eyes. His doppelganger was gazing at him thoughtfully, nodding slightly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Tell me about the person who takes you there.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex shrugged. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Somebody strong. Somebody who knows what he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s doing, who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s in control, who can make me feel\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 completely helpless, like I have no will of my own, but safe\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 taken care of. Like I can just hand myself over to him and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll take me where I want to go.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You want to feel safe and protected. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like being scared.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, scared is okay. Scared can be a fun part of the foreplay. But not so scared that you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t trust the guy to do you. And when you get to the serious action, you have to be able to give yourself up to it, and let it happen. Too much being scared gets in the way of that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got all the being scared you need right now.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex laughed a little. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah. Way more than I need.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek nodded. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m with you. Tell me about the ritual. How does it work, to take you where you want to go?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The Forever Place. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what we call it. The ritual\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex sipped his water, struggling for the words. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Did you ever play football? Or any sports?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153A little. Team sports aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really my thing.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex frowned. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, okay, say you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re playing football. You practice a play over and over. At first you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re thinking all the time\u00e2\u20ac\u201dfirst I cut left, then I run downfield\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwatch out for the defense, get ready to make the catch, glance over your shoulder at just the right moment. After a while you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to think so much, it starts to feel natural. Then one day you reach a point where you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to think about it at all, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s in your muscles now and your nerves and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re just feeling it. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s when it really starts to work\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou can sense where your coverage is, you know just when to turn for the catch, you can almost feel the ball coming at you. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like the Forever Place, that pure feeling. And you get there by repeating the action over and over, like a ritual. The familiarity is part of how it works. It releases your mind to go where it has to go.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He sighed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Does this make any sense?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think so. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to have to think about it for a while.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek mused on it for a moment, then gave a short nod. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Now, where\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the other guy when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re in the Forever Place?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n This was an important question, Alex knew. Krycek wanted to be right there with you when he was working you over, feeling what you were feeling\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit was a mental pleasure with him, as much as a physical one. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how to stop thinking. But you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t go to the Forever Place alone. He needed to tell Krycek that.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s there with me. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m aware of him, and what he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s doing to me. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 well, the football analogy again. There were times when we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d get so in sync that, even when my quarterback was halfway down the field and I was running the other way and had three or four defensive backs on my tail, I could still feel him, I knew just when he was going to throw the pass, exactly where the ball was going to come down. It was almost like I was part of him, an extension of his body, like we were the same person.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He managed a weak smile. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s how it is in the Forever Place. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m with him. Okay?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek smiled, and brushed his fingertips against Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I want to talk more about this, but I think we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve gone far enough for now.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Then his smiled widened. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Turnabout\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fair play. Is there anything you want to ask me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s throat went dry. He could only manage to shake his head.<\/p>\n Krycek patted his shoulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay, look. Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s forget about sex for a little while. Is there anything else you need? Anything that would make you more comfortable here? I know it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not easy for you to have to ask me for everything, but if I can, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll get you whatever you want. And if I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be angry with you for asking.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n His first impulse, of course, was just to say no. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m fine, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worry about me, whatever you want.<\/em> But he really could use a good physical workout. It would help him to work some of the tension away, and help him to deal with what was going on. Krycek obviously worked out\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhis body was all hard muscle. Maybe he had some weights here. He took a deep breath and plunged. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t suppose you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d let me go out to a gym, but do you have any weights around here I could use?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I have weights and a stair climber, and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re welcome to use them. But if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like to go to a gym, I think that could be arranged. I use the facilities at the office, so they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know me at any of the neighborhood gyms. It should be safe for you to go to one of them.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Really?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop the grin that spread across his face. But then it faded. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But as long as you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got the equipment here, I suppose.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I mean, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to pay for it if I went out to a gym. And I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d need some kind of ID, wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t I? And gym clothes and everything, and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve already bought me all kinds of clothes\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek was shaking his head in amused exasperation. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I told you it was all right. The money is no problem. And I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got a phony driver\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s license around here somewhere you could use.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The grin tightened on his face. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It would be nice to get out a little. And to use all the machines and sauna and stuff.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fine. You can go this afternoon if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like. If there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Time?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Fear spiked through him again.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We want to get those implants out as soon as possible. Mulder was going to try to arrange the surgery for today.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex laughed weakly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Great. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d actually managed to forget about the implants.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He rubbed his nose. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Surgery. That will be great.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How are you feeling about it? Have you had any more of those nosebleeds?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m fine, really, it just took me by surprise for a minute there.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right. Anything else?<\/p>\n Well, of course there were a hundred things, starting with, Please get me home,<\/em> all the way down to, Just hold me and tell me everything\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to be all right.<\/em> But what could he truly ask for that would actually make a difference? He had to get his fear under control, that was the main thing, stop feeling like the slightest mistake was going to get him killed. But he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ask Krycek not to kill him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe knew perfectly well that as much as Krycek might not want to kill him, there could be circumstances under which he thought it was necessary. And Krycek wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to lie to him, and he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to ask him to lie, so there was no point even bringing it up.<\/p>\n Except\u00e2\u20ac\u201dmaybe there was one thing he could ask that would help him to feel slightly less helpless. Something that would make him feel that he had some control, however small, over his fate. But did he dare ask Krycek? Perhaps it would be better just to let the matter be. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d probably just get himself overwrought and Krycek wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t agree to it anyway. He absolutely did not want to have another breakdown. Only if he felt steady. Only if he felt he could get through it without tears or weakness. Only if he could ask Krycek calmly, man to man, and accept whatever answer Krycek gave. Could he do that?<\/p>\n Even just to do that would be a victory. So maybe it was worth the risk.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay. I want to ask you a favor.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His voice was controlled and matter-of-fact. Like Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice. He marvelled, himself, over the evenness of his tone.<\/p>\n Krycek nodded, patient and receptive, as always.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not really that much chance that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m ever going to get home. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll do what we can, and we can always hope, but there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to come a time when we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to have to start going on the assumption that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be here indefinitely.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek nodded again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been thinking about that, too.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know. But that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m asking about. Oh, I know, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to have a new identity. Set up some sort of phony background, maybe change my appearance. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not something I want to do, but well, after all, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s your universe. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t very well expect you to give up being Alex Krycek.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He was babbling again. But it was calm<\/em> babbling, so never mind, if it was helping him to get through it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But no matter what we do, we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not going to be able to change the fact that our minds are tangled up together, and we have the same DNA.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Assuming that they did\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand he was still afraid that, somehow, that test would turn out negative for a match, and then Krycek would kill him.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to be a danger to you, just by existing here. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll both do our best to minimize the danger, but it exists, and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nothing we can do about it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He paused for a moment, and took a deep breath. Krycek just waited, watching him silently. His face might appear expressionless, but Alex could feel the intensity between them, like an electric current.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And some day there might come a time when that danger becomes too great, and you feel you have no choice but to kill me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes narrowed slightly, but he said nothing. With a slight movement of his chin, he gestured for Alex to continue.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want that to happen any more than I do, and we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll both do our best to see that it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. But if it does.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Finally, his resolve faltered, just for a moment. He had to touch Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm, as if to reassure himself that this man was only flesh and blood, like himself. Exactly like himself. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I want you to tell me before you do it. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just sneak up on me and shoot me, or poison me, or whatever.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His hand tightened on Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I could tell you I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fight you or try to run away, and you might even believe me, but I know if it comes down to it, you won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to take the chance. So knock me out, tie me to the bed, do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He managed a smile, and it was even a genuine one. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fuck me first, if you want. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like that. Just tell me first, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all I ask. You might think it would be better if I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know it was coming. But that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not how I want it. I want to know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s liquid green eyes stared. Heavy thoughts turned behind them. Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s stomach churned. What had ever possessed him to think he could talk to Krycek about this? Krycek was going to tell him he was a fool and an idiot and he would worry more than ever about what Krycek was going to do to him.<\/p>\n Then Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s expression changed. There was something gentle and sympathetic in it. Something that, more than anything else, made Alex want to cry. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got a right to that, if it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what you really want. If the situation permits it, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll tell you first.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Relief turned Alex to jelly. Tears started in his eyes, which he determinedly forced back. It was all right. Now, at least he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to worry that Krycek would sneak up on him and put him down like a mad dog. And he had made it through the request without falling apart.<\/p>\n And he was still calm. Amazing, really, he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel upset at all. He felt fine, except it seemed that now he was cold, because he was shivering like crazy. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really feel cold at all, but his whole body was shaking. He pulled his robe tighter around himself and clenched his teeth to stop them from chattering.<\/p>\n Krycek slipped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him close. Gladly, Alex settled himself at Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side and held him tightly.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Everything\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to be all right,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said softly. A sobbing gasp tore itself from Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s throat.<\/p>\n Krycek stroked his back and kissed his hair. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Everything\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to be all right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Afterward, Alex lay sprawled across Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest, luxuriating in the feeling of safety. It might be temporary, but it was an extraordinary pleasure, as abrupt and physical as release from pain. Krycek was propped up a little against the headboard, and his fingers played idly over Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulders and back, stroking and gentling as he might a cat.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153 \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcNell\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ordine ch\u00e2\u20ac\u2122io dico sono acclime\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/em>\u00e2\u20ac\u201ddo you know Dante?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex answered. The word was muffled against Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest, and that was comfortable too.<\/p>\n Krycek was silent a moment. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153 \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcIn the order that I speak of all natures have their bent according to their different lots, nearer to their source and further from it.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d He was choosing his words carefully, obviously translating as he went. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153 \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcThey move, therefore, to different ports over the great sea of being, each with an instinct given it to bear it on: this bears fire towards the moon; this is the motive force in mortal creatures; this binds the earth together and makes it one. And not only the creatures that are without intelligence does this bow shoot, but those also that have intelligence and love.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u201dYou\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re worrying too much about Mulder, I think.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n That was a mildly irritating conclusion, but he still felt too good to move. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What the hell does that have to do with Dante?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he asked.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Different natures,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You really should not be comparing yourself to my sweet Fox.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His voice had gone low and caressing, as though he were tasting the remnants of the previous night\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pleasures in the words.<\/p>\n Alex winced, but after all it was only what he already knew. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah. I know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Now the voice was amused and indulgent. The hands on his shoulders were still gentle. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That is, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re wrong about why. If you were mine, I still wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t train you the way I trained him. And you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right about why: it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s because you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not him. But that doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not good enough, it just means you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a different person.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Different. Well, that was one way of putting it. And it reminded him of a mother telling a geeky 14-year-old that her looks didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t matter, boys would want her for her personality.<\/p>\n Krycek chuckled, as though he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d heard Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s thought. Which of course was a possibility. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay, fair enough,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re wrong, though. Look, let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s try it another way. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s true that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d make a completely inadequate Mulder; but then, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d make just as inadequate an Alex. \u00e2\u20ac\u201dDoes your mother garden?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex stiffened. Suddenly, the years fell away. The summer he was four: a small square of bare earth in the front yard, where two perfect rose bushes grew, one bearing white roses, and the other red. His mother spent hours tending them, while four-year-old Alex played in the dirt alongside her, delighting in the soft petals and sweet scent, laughing even when he pricked his fingers on the thorns. (And was this his first introduction to the pleasures of the right kind of pain?)<\/p>\n Then came the inevitable day his father came home and announced that they were moving. The rose bushes would have to be left behind.<\/p>\n His mother sat in the yard and wept. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d miscarried the second time that summer (Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s unborn sisters\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand in this universe they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d survived and grown up and Krycek mused about what it would be like to have sex with them\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6), and buried her grief in her roses. Of course, four-year-old Alex didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand that. He only knew that his mother was crying as though the world were coming to an end, and he clung to her and cried with her, a child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s grief, not knowing that there were any other roses in the world.<\/p>\n Until his father came out into the yard with an axe and chopped both of the rose bushes into tiny pieces. His mother went still and her tears dried up, and then she got up silently and went into the house to begin to pack. Alex sat in the yard playing with the crushed petals, trying vainly to turn them back into blooms.<\/p>\n There had never been another rose bush, or another carefully tended garden. Years later, there had been other flowers\u00e2\u20ac\u201dannuals only, bright pansies and poppies and zinnias, their seed scattered carelessly wherever there was bare ground, and left to grow or not of their own accord. But no, his mother didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t garden.<\/p>\n But he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to tell Krycek all that. Although, if Krycek was reading his mind, he supposed he already had. He gave himself a little shake, and Krycek a squeeze. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. There wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t much point, when we had to move all the time.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Without missing a beat, Krycek continued. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mine does. You have to train plants, did you know that?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It was clearly a rhetorical question. Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice had fallen into a storyteller\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s rhythms, and his pitch was low and intimate. Alex shook his head as best he could against Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, you do. And skill makes a lot of difference to how they grow. But there are limits. Think of lilac and wisteria. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re alike in a lot of ways: they bloom at the same time, they both give you big purple flower clusters; they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re both heavily perfumed. You can train wisteria to cover an arbor, or to climb a trellis, and if you take your time and do it right, in the end you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have something magnificent. You can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get lilac to do that, though: you can spend your whole life trying, you can have the best lilacs in the world, and it still isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to happen. Lilac just does not make adequate wisteria. What you can do with your lilac is train it into a hedge. If you do that right, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have something beautiful, too. But try it with wisteria, and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re setting yourself up for major disappointment\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwisteria\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no better at being lilac than lilac is at being wisteria.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153My mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s got both of them in the garden. And I think that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the right answer: one isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t better than the other, and one isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a substitute for the other. Ideally, you want to have them both. And you train them, or you try, to be the most perfect possible versions of themselves.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His hand stilled for a moment, then one finger tapped Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder in a little parody of a slap. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I trust the point is, if anything, too clear.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The mocking distance was back, but it was still tempered with an undercurrent of unmistakable affection.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Clear as a two-by-four in the nose,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex agreed. So now he was a lilac bush. That didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean he was any better at being a lilac bush than he was at being a wisteria. But he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to talk about it any more. Time to change the subject. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How would you train me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know yet,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek told him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Remember, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d known Mulder a long time before I first touched him. I need to know you, before I can tell what your destination should be.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153 \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcAcross the great sea of being,\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex finished softly. The phrase resonated in his mind like a peal of bells, it was no wonder Krycek liked it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Wait,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I thought you said you were a math major.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I did. I was.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex felt him prop himself up a little higher. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I have revised my opinion, by the way. You were a poli sci major; you played football; you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not the nerd. I am the nerd. Mathematicians are officially licensed to study all kinds of dweeb-like things like medieval poetry on the side, everybody knows we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re aliens anyway.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek laughed softly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Some of it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s remarkably apropos, too. \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcO Lord, now youres is\/My spirit which that oughte youres be.\/You thanke I, Lord, that hath me brought to this.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d That hot delight was back in his voice. Alex had a sudden, disorienting flash of memory: Mulder on his back underneath him, clinging fiercely to his upper arms. The long eyes were closed, and his temples were wet with tears, but his lips were parted, begging to be kissed\u00e2\u20ac\u201dnot his memory: Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s.<\/p>\n Beautiful, exquisite, glorious Mulder. Krycek couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop thinking about him for ten minutes, even lying in bed with Alex, trying to convince Alex that he was thinking too much about Mulder.<\/p>\n Never mind. He rubbed his cheek against Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest, and kissed it wetly, tasting the salt sweat still on his body from the previous hour\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pleasures. This was good, so never mind.<\/p>\n They lay in silence for a few minutes. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s another thing,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said at last. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think it may actually be a good thing for Mulder that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re here. Yes, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hard on him, in the sense that he isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t getting a hundred percent of my attention; and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s kicked a few issues into focus for him. But those issues were all things he was going to have to face soon anyway: they were just a matter of timing. And you know, I think it may be time he learned something about being a top.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex started. That was hardly an unwelcome picture, but still\u00e2\u20ac\u201d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What for? You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to switch off with him.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like it, though.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n In a weird kind of way, it was nice of Krycek, Alex thought. It was probably his notion of being a good host, of making Alex a little more comfortable. And yes, he had been thinking wistfully about how much he wished this Mulder were a top. But it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t something he wanted at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s expense. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I mean, thanks. But I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want him to have to do anything he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not comfortable with, just for me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not it,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be doing me a favor.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He stretched under Alex and turned, guiding Alex over to lie at his side, and propped himself up on one elbow to look Alex in the eye. Another little maneuvered shift in mood: now they were co-conspirators, almost equals. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You have to understand about Mulder. It may be hard for you. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know your Mulder, but from what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve said, I have the impression that there are a lot of ways he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s less damaged than the man I know. Kinder, and more balanced, and probably stronger. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got evidence for that\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyour Mulder was strong enough to recognize his attraction to you, and he knew how to deal with it.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean that my Mulder is weak: he isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. But the damage is worse than people see. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not just an obsessed yuppie with a smart mouth; he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a violent man who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s built a whole lot of walls between himself and almost everybody else, and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a real streak of cruelty in him. He has principles, and they matter to him, but he lives his life in places where the lines smudge too easily. And for him, even more than for most people, there are times when principle is a hard cold thing next to emotion. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s managed the cruelty and the violence fairly well so far by turning them on himself; and sure, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s always going to be his favorite way to deal with it. But it shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be the only one he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s got. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be better off if he learns to understand it and control it, preferably before he does something that he regrets too much. And you know: you learn control as a top. You get catharsis on the bottom, but you never learn control\u00e2\u20ac\u201dafter all, not having to be in control is part of the point.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek paused, as though waiting for an objection. Alex tried to gather his thoughts. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think I see what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re saying,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he told Krycek. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Look\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI need to think it through, is that okay?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. He gave Alex one of his comfortable grins. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Dammit, I do not want you to feel pressured about this. If the opportunity comes up and you feel like it, I just want you to know that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be happy for you to see what you can teach him. And besides, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want him bullying you into letting him be on the bottom all the time, just because you feel unreasonably guilty about being here. Okay?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex found himself giggling. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said, and curled up comfortably again at Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Early in the afternoon, Mulder returned to take Alex away to get the implants removed. The operation was quick and easy\u00e2\u20ac\u201drelatively speaking, taking only a few hours at the doctor\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s office, done under a local anaesthetic that left Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face feeling heavy and numb, like a dentist\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Novocaine. They made him wait there another hour or so afterwards, to make sure he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t react badly to the anaesthetic, and that the pain was under control. Now, he sat in the back seat of a taxi, staring at the two tiny metallic implants lying innocently at the bottom of a small glass specimen bottle. Smaller than Duane Barry\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s; larger than Scully\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, according to Mulder, who sat beside him in the taxi as they returned to Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s apartment. The implants were each narrow strips of metal about a centimeter long. One was silvery, with a small spade-like extension at one end. The other was dark bronze and thinner, with pointed ends. Mulder said he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never seen one that color.<\/p>\n He wanted them, Alex knew that. Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands tapped against his thighs, and he glanced over at the bottle in Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands repeatedly. Alien implants, evidence for his quest. It was hard for him to sit there and let Alex have them. Alex supposed there was no reason he shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let Mulder hold them. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to take them, anyway, to have them analyzed. Possibly he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be able to find out something that would help Alex to get home.<\/p>\n But Alex couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t quite bring himself to give them to Mulder, not yet. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been inside him, in his own face, up until a few hours ago. Put there by aliens. In another operation he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even remember. He continued to turn the small bottle in his hand, staring at the tiny pieces of metal, as if in staring at them long enough he could force himself to understand\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhy had they come for him, why was he here? Why were all these horrible things happening to him?<\/p>\n He lifted his hand to his face and stroked the edges of the bandage that was taped across his nose, under his eyes, covering his throbbing sinuses. The incisions were tiny, Mulder had said, and would heal quickly. But meanwhile, his face ached and throbbed. He felt like he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been beaten.<\/p>\n It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the worst pain he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d ever felt. That honor would probably have to go to the time he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d dislocated his shoulder during a football game. The pain had been so bad he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d screamed all the way to the hospital. This wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t screaming pain; it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even worth dulling his brain with painkillers. He had the pills in his pocket, just in case, but he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t taken any. But it hurt. It made him tired and depressed. It made him want to go home and curl up in bed and pull the covers over his head.<\/p>\n The cab pulled up in front of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s apartment building. Mulder paid, of course\u00e2\u20ac\u201dAlex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pockets were still empty. He had an expensive leather jacket and three hundred dollar boots, and not a penny to his name. He was a kept boy. With a rich sugar daddy. And a guardian. A very pretty guardian, with sensuous full lips and big sad hazel eyes. And he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been in the hospital\u00e2\u20ac\u201dfor what? Attacked by one of his sugar daddy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s rivals? A bit of plastic surgery to mold him a little more closely to daddy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tastes? Or maybe daddy had a bad temper, and occasionally punished his boy a little too roughly. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to try to behave himself a little better in the future. But not too well, because daddy liked him to be bad sometimes.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n Alex leaned back in the elevator, sighing. From FBI agent to alien abductee to rich man\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s plaything. Except he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really anybody\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s plaything, he was just playing games with himself. Pretty pathetic when the real situation was so bad that a beat-up kept boy with a bad-tempered sugar daddy seemed preferable.<\/p>\n At least he was home now. Home.<\/em> As much as anyplace in this entire universe could be called home. Anyway, it was where Krycek was, and that was home to him, for as long as he stayed here, and as long as Krycek would have him.<\/p>\n He fingered the tiny bottle in his pocket, and followed Mulder off the elevator. The beginnings of a yawn were interrupted by a sharp, stabbing pain in his sinuses. He threw his hand across his bandaged face and stepped into the apartment.<\/p>\n Krycek was not alone. He was sitting on the couch, facing his guest, talking earnestly. He leaned forward, elbow resting on the back of the couch, establishing an easy intimacy between him and the woman who sat at his side. A small woman, with shoulder-length auburn hair and a generous mouth.<\/p>\n Scully.<\/p>\n Alex froze. A strange little noise escaped his throat. A similar strangled groan came from Mulder at his side. Then Mulder strode into the room, to stand in front of Scully, looking stiff and unhappy. Scully glanced up at him, offering a tentative smile. Then she stared at Alex, openly curious. And unbelieving.<\/p>\n Krycek got up smoothly, and went to greet Alex, smiling. He took Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How are you feeling? Did everything go okay?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex nodded numbly, and pulled the bottle from his pocket. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153There were two of them.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The last he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d seen of Scully was the photograph enlarged from the police video\u00e2\u20ac\u201dScully tied up in Duane Barry\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s trunk. That photo had been a source of desperate hope for Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201dScully was still alive. He could have helped him get her back at that point. He hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t irrevocably betrayed Mulder yet. He could have told the Cancerman to go to hell, and helped Mulder get to the top of the mountain in time. But he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d knocked out the tram operator and stopped the tram, like a good little lackey. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d taken the poison they gave him and slipped it into Duane Barry\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s water. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d stood there and watched while Mulder suffered, and Scully was taken. In this world, she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been returned, to sit here now and stare at him with distrustful, skeptical eyes. In his own world she might well be dead, and Mulder would never, ever forgive him if Scully was dead.<\/p>\n Krycek held up the bottle, giving it a little shake to get a good look at the implants. He turned to Scully. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153These are bigger than yours was, aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t they, Dane? What do you think, have you seen any like these before?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder stepped forward to answer. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The dark bronze-colored one is unusual. But the other is like the ones Duane Barry had, except smaller.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n A look passed between Krycek and Mulder. Still staring at Mulder, Krycek handed the implants to Scully, who turned them over in her fingers, frowning.<\/p>\n Then Krycek broke the contact, and stepped away, smiling easily at Alex again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It hardly seems like introductions are necessary, but you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t formally met. Alex, this universe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Dana Scully. Dana, my doppelganger and visitor from another dimension. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been calling him Alex. I hope it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get too confusing.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Scully stood, handing the implants back to Krycek, and stared grimly at Alex. Her very stare hurt him. He wanted to cover his face and cringe, and had to force himself to return her gaze. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d only met his own universe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Scully a few times, but this one was definitely a different model. She was thinner, older, more steely, less naive. Of course, the abduction experience would have a lot to do with that. His own Scully would no doubt be different once she came back, if indeed she did. Everyone was harder in this universe, it seemed. Her stare seemed to accuse him: You made me this way. You let them take me.<\/em> Which was ridiculous, of course. He hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t done a thing to this Scully. It was Krycek who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d helped abduct her in this universe, and she didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t show any hostility towards him at all. It was only his own guilt making him feel this way.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And you believe this man\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s story, Mulder?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she asked, still staring at him with her cold blue eyes.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It fits the facts better than anything else we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been able to come up with,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder answered mildly.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And now we have another set of facts\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe DNA tests.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek nodded to Alex, with a slight conspiratorial grin. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what Scully came to bring me, the results of the DNA analysis. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a match, surprise, surprise. We have identical DNA.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n It should have been a relief. But all Alex could think was that Scully the Skeptic wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t believe it. And she would find some way to convince them that he was a fake. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d see that he was punished, finally, for everything he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d done.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n Stop it.<\/em> He was tired, that was all, aching and sore and just wanted to rest. Not to be faced with yet another vengeful ghost from his painful past. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He struggled for something intelligent to say, and failed miserably. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s good, I guess. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what we expected.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek continued to smile smoothly, as though this were all perfectly normal. As if Alex weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t standing here with his heart pounding and his face throbbing, wishing the floor would open up and swallow him. As if Scully weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t standing grimly with her arms crossed and her lips pressed tightly together, disbelief and distrust written all over her face. As if Mulder weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t still looking as if someone had punched him in the stomach, stiff and shocked and somehow deflated.<\/p>\n But was there just a hint of tension in the set of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth? The calculation just a little too bright in his cold blue-green eyes? There were too many variables all of a sudden, Alex realized. Krycek could control any one of them separately\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbeing gentle with Alex, rough with Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand with Scully? What was the trick with Scully? Alex pictured them as they had been on the couch when he and Mulder had come in: Krycek leaning forward, smiling, head lowered, voice low and intimate. It was the way Alex had been with his Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201dcharming and friendly, no hint of the darkness beneath. With Scully it was charm.<\/p>\n Was she aware that that darkness existed? Did she know that her partner spent his nights groveling at Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feet? Did she worship at that cold altar herself? No, Alex decided. Her attitude was too casual, too matter of fact. There was no adoration in her blue eyes. And that would be part of the problem\u00e2\u20ac\u201dScully was not an initiate into Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s dark circle, and she must not be thrust into it unwilling. But she also must not be excluded, or made to feel like an outsider. It was a delicate balance, and a tightrope Krycek probably enjoyed walking when it was only Scully and Mulder to deal with\u00e2\u20ac\u201dtormenting Mulder with little teases and hints that he must not respond to, while maintaining his mask of pleasantness for Scully. But with Alex thrown into the mix\u00e2\u20ac\u201dunhappy, unpredictable Alex, with his crude leather attitude\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be able to be sure of the balance. Alex could go into one of his tantrums, and say something that would make the delicate, pretty framework come crashing down.<\/p>\n Alex sighed tiredly. He caught Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eye and shook his head slightly. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be good,<\/em> he thought at his other self. And if he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t catch the words directly, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d still understand the look and the gesture, Alex hoped. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worry about me. Worry about Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe looks like he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to explode.<\/em><\/p>\n Krycek nodded. Something in his smile changed, ever-so-slightly.<\/p>\n Scully watched this exchange with an exasperated frown. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really believe this\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 person could possibly be an alternate universe version of yourself? He doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even look like you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He just had his face operated on,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said, grinning, leading Alex to an easy chair and pushing him down into it. It was the chair Alex most often ended up in\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s own favorite, Alex suddenly realized. Weakly, he returned Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s smile. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hardly a fair comparison.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek returned to the couch, where he and Scully sat as they had before. Reluctantly, Mulder finally found a chair of his own, and flung himself unhappily into it. Krycek continued, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course his body language is going to be different. Slight differences in weight and build. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lived a different life from me. But the genetics are identical\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou did the DNA tests yourself. You tell me who else he could be.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153A close relative. A brother, a twin. A clone.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have a twin. Or a brother. And he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have identical DNA anyway, would he?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really test the entire genetic structure, Alex. There are millions of genes, we can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t compare every single one. We test selected strings of DNA, and yes, every one we tested was identical. But still.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Still,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said, the suggestion of a tease in his voice. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If you were testifying in court, would you say that the two samples were from the same person?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n She made an exasperated little noise. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes. But you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not<\/em> the same person, Alex, so there must be some other explanation. How sure are you of the samples?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I took them myself.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (Alex squirmed a little at that\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been unconscious at the time, another invasion of his body that he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t remember.)<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How sure are you that the samples you took are the ones that reached me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes narrowed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I used a secure courier.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex, if he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a fake, if<\/em> he was sent in for whatever purpose, then the people who sent him would be watching, expecting you to do something like this, ready to intercept a courier and replace your samples with their own.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He could almost see the wheels turning in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s head. Alex felt ill. She was getting to him, in a way that Mulder, who wanted to believe, could not. She was going to convince him, somehow. She was going to get him killed.<\/p>\n Krycek glanced over at him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex, you must be exhausted. Why don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you go and lie down for a while?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex laughed shortly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153While you sit here and decide whether or not I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m lying? No thanks.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek just nodded calmly and returned his attention to Scully. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s possible. But it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s extremely unlikely, for a lot of reasons. First, I used a Shop courier, and they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re assigned at random. So you wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be able to suborn the courier in advance, because you wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know who would wind up with the job. Unless you were<\/em> the Shop, in which case you could have taken me out and replaced me with your clone any time you felt like it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand in which case you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be watching me a lot more closely right now than I am in fact being watched.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek was half smiling now, and staring dreamily out into the middle distance. Of course: this sort of thing was his work, and he loved it.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So say it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not the Shop. Anybody else would have had to guess who my courier was, and which one of them was carrying DNA samples, and then somehow get to him or her in the few hours of travel time between New York and D.C., and without throwing the travel schedule off enough to raise suspicion. It almost has to be bribery, because the courier\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to report it if somebody hits him over the head en route; and if he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t come back looking like the same person we sent out, we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to notice it. Ditto if he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t come back at all. You can never be sure a single person is bribery-proof, so maybe you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re lucky and the guy with the DNA samples is receptive. But then, to be sure of him, you also had to have somebody approach, say, the courier one of my colleagues sent to D.C. the next day, and the two I sent to, say, San Francisco and Boston the same day. Some one of those four people, at the very least, is going to report the contact, and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be an internal investigation, and everybody will hear about it because we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have to know there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a potential risk with the courier service. And so on, and on.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Scully was still frowning. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Unless you get to the person who assigns the couriers. Nobody\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s internal security is perfect, Alex, not even yours.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek laughed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hey. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re supposed to be arrogant, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s part of our corporate culture.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He sobered. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right, of course. But that just brings us to another set of improbabilities. You might be able to do that; but as you pointed out, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d only do it if you expected me to be sending DNA samples out. That is, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to be very sure of my responses to the situation. And in fact, my responses have been more than a little quirky. You could predict I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d want a DNA match done, but would you predict I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want it done by my own people? It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not entirely a rational decision to keep this matter private. But if you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be sure I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll send the sample out, you also have to provide for the contingency where I get our people to run the tests. So now, again, you have to suborn two people, at a minimum; and once again, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re increasing the already high risk that at least one of them\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to report the contact. \u00e2\u20ac\u201dAlthough I could test that one easily enough: I can send our own people a couple of nonmatching samples tomorrow, and see whether they call a match for me anyway.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And of course we could do another test, just to be sure. You could take the samples yourself, and carry them back to the lab personally. Then there wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be any doubt. If you think it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s worth doing.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n There was something new in his attitude, and Alex strained to catch it. Something about the way he thought about the possibility of Alex being a fake. It was still a vitally important question. Still required careful thought and study. Still was not finally, absolutely decided.<\/p>\n But it was no longer a life-and-death matter. No longer, If he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a fake get rid of him at once.<\/em> Now, it was more like, If he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a fake, is he still sure of his old allegiances? how can I use him?<\/em><\/p>\n God. Was he really reading this, or was he just so desperate to feel it that he was fooling himself into thinking it was there? Had Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s careful manipulation finally worked, destroyed his ability to see how he was being used, made him a helpless pawn? Lulled him into a false sense of security, so he could easily be led to slaughter?<\/p>\n No. Krycek had promised him he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do that. And Krycek was an honorable man. Alex could be wrong about what he was sensing from Krycek, but he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wrong about this: Krycek had promised not to kill him out of hand, without talking to him about it first. And it was an astonishing source of comfort to him now.<\/p>\n He pulled in a deep breath and looked over at Mulder, who had been strangely silent up till now. And why would that be? Mulder loved talking about things like this, and it certainly wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t any concern for Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sensibilities that was making him hesitate. And this was his precious Scully here, his partner, his favorite foil for discussions about lies and conspiracies and extreme possibilities. So why was Mulder sitting back in his chair, breathing slowly, face carefully blank and controlled, offering nothing to the conversation? You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d think he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want Scully here. Didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want her watching him in the presence of his master.<\/p>\n But no, that couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be it. Mulder liked being teased in front of people\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhis Skinner story was proof of that. And anyway, Krycek wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t teasing him now. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even paying any attention to Mulder, his concentration was all on Scully and the problem at hand.<\/p>\n Ah, then, so was that it? Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s attention was all on Scully, and Scully was liking it just fine. Was Mulder jealous? Did<\/em> Krycek sleep with Scully? Did she know about him and Mulder? God, what a mess. It was some cosmically improbable sitcom. Or a soap opera. No, it was too damned melodramatic even for soap opera\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthis was real<\/em> opera, minus the singing\u00e2\u20ac\u201dcompletely outlandish plots, high tragedy verging on camp, desperate doomed love.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n Alex felt a strange, humorless laugh bubbling out of him. Three heads instantly turned to stare, which somehow only made him laugh more. There was more than a little hysteria in it, and it hurt his face, and it would turn to tears in mere moments, but he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to stop.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek was still outwardly calm, but Alex could feel the tiny prickles of tension in him.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all right,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex said weakly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I was just trying to figure out whether it was Gotterdammerung,<\/em> or The Lucy Show<\/em>.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek laughed. Still wary, but relaxing slightly.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Neither. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s The Patty Duke Show<\/em>.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder, finally joining the fray, muttered darkly.<\/p>\n Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s giggle had a funny little squeak on the end. Softly, he began to sing, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153 \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcBut they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re cousins, identical cousins, and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll find.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Then Mulder joined in. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153 \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcThey laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou could lose your mind, when cousins are two of a kind.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s laugh was genuine now. But at the same time, he was shaking his head, turning to Scully. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, I can see we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not going to get any sense out of you two tonight. Dana Katherine, you will forgive me for not offering to put you up in this madhouse, won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you? Because really, I think you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have a much better time if you stay at the Royalton, where you can hang out in the lobby bar and flirt with rock stars.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Scully looked around and sighed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I trust your judgment on that one. Anyway, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not exactly room at the inn here, is there?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, sure there is,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We can always contrive. Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s see: Alex and Mulder could both sleep with me, and you could have the guest bedroom; we could give you my bedroom, I could sleep on the couch, and Mulder could sleep in the jacuzzi, which he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s inclined to do half the time anyway; we could give you my bedroom and Mulder could sleep on the couch in there\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I hope you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not waiting for me to suggest that Mulder and I could both sleep in your room with you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Scully said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right, Krycek, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be happier in a hotel.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d She looked him up and down and then shook her head, as if amused at something. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not going to do me any good to point out to you that the Bureau per diem is not going to cover the Royalton, is it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said cheerfully. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s my per diem, not yours. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even try to argue: if you try to insist on staying in the kind of slum the Bureau\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s per diem would cover, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to insist that you stay here tonight after all.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m convinced.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Thought you would be.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Then he was getting up, offering a hand to Scully. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Come on, Dana Katherine, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll take you out to dinner and get you uptown.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He looked across at Mulder, and the hard stare softened a little. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Look, Mulder, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d toss you for it; but you two get to see each other all the time.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n It sounded perfectly normal: even the tone was exactly right. Just two people deciding who deserved the chance at quality time with a mutual friend. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fine.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His voice was light, but Alex could read the tension underneath it: the normalcy was costing him something.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek told him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll see you later. Try to make sure Alex gets some rest.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n And then he was hustling Scully out the door, perfectly natural and cheerful, and Scully was laughing with him and agreeing that yes, regardless of who the poor guy was, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just had surgery and ought to be given a little peace. There was a brief moment of panic when Alex remembered that Krycek still had his implants, but Krycek just handed them back to him without a qualm (and why Alex wanted them so badly he had no idea), and even paused to put an affectionate hand around Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s neck and say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good night, Cousin.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Then he paused once more to exchange one long look with a very anxious Mulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fox.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His voice was low and velvety, and Mulder tensed as though an electric shock had just passed through him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Be good.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Then he and Scully were gone, leaving a pair of very bereft lovers behind.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Some day,<\/em> Alex thought, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m actually going to read a page of this book.<\/em> But it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to be tonight. He glanced over at Mulder, who seemed not to have moved since the last time Alex had looked. He was still curled up in his chair, staring dully at the huge picture window. His lips were pressed so tight, a white line had formed around his mouth. He was furious, and that fury had not abated one iota in the half hour since Krycek and Scully had left.<\/p>\n He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not mad at me,<\/em> Alex reminded himself yet again. I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t done anything. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mad at Krycek. Or Scully. Or himself, or the situation, or something, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not my fault.<\/em> Whatever the hell it was. Damn it, he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even know what the hell was going on\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhow was he supposed to walk this mine field when he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even know what sort of bombs he might trip over?<\/p>\n Mulder turned to glare at him. With a great effort, he softened his expression. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you want some dinner?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His voice was carefully controlled, flat and toneless.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. Thanks. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not hungry.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His stomach was still churning, in fact, and the thought of food made him ill. Probably aftereffects of the anaesthetic, as well as the stress of coming home to whatever the hell it was he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d come home to.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You should go and lie down, then. He said you should get some rest.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He said try<\/em> to make sure I got some rest. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t an order. He just\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00e2\u20ac\u201ddidn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want us sitting here sniping at each other all night\u00e2\u20ac\u201d<\/em>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want us waiting up for him.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, so you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re an expert in what he wants, now. Two nights ago you were complaining about how complicated it all was.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, a guy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s got to learn fast around here, doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he? Sink or swim. Scully\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s out there right now trying to convince him I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a phony. I could be dead by morning.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d This wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fair, and he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean to play Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s anger back at him, but damn it, his face hurt and he was just too tired to control his tongue.<\/p>\n That scored. Mulder flinched, and his voice was a little shaky as he replied, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t kill you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He sounded much less sure of it than Alex was.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Stop it, Alex. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hurting just like you are.<\/em> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Look, Mulder. I know this is none of my business, and you probably don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to talk about it, but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m kind of stuck in the middle here. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to make mistakes. If Scully\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to be around, I think I need to know what the situation with her is.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face was soft with pain. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t pain he was enjoying, either, although Krycek might teach him how to enjoy it later. Right now, it was just raw, exposed hurt. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He sleeps with her.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Well, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d expected that. But it was hard to see how much it hurt Mulder to say it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t top her.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder flinched again. Alex ached for him, but damn it, he needed this information, and there was no guarantee he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be able to get it from Krycek before he was faced with Scully again. And maybe he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be able to help Mulder, although he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how. But sitting here watching him suffer certainly wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to improve the situation any. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t talk about it. But if were like that between them, I think he would.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah. Does she know about you and him?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153She knows we have sex. Not about\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 the other.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Does she know how you feel about him?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Shit. I<\/em> didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even know, until.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder hunched up in his chair, face drawn and white.<\/p>\n Until.<\/em> Until Alex showed up. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve kicked a few issues into focus for him,<\/em> Krycek had said. Calmly. The bastard.<\/em> Alex felt his own fists clench. So Mulder had finally confronted the depths of his feelings towards Krycek, and Krycek responded by leaving him home to suffer while he spent a night on the town with Scully. All right, it looked like Scully had just shown up out of the blue, and he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t had a lot of options. Hustling Scully out of there before the nature of their little menage became obvious had been his number one priority. Alex could appreciate that, and certainly Mulder could too. But Jesus, surely there had been other ways he could have handled it. Damn it, he could have sent Mulder to take her out and get her settled, and stayed home with Alex himself.<\/p>\n And thinking of that, Alex felt inclined to get a little pissed at Krycek on his own behalf. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just had surgery. He was tired and miserable and sore and damn it, after every other damn thing he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been through, didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he deserve a little consideration? A little coddling? Wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it have been nice to come home to Big Brother in his gentle, caring mode, get himself tucked in and petted and poor-babied a little, instead of having Scully thrown in his face, and then left alone with a tortured, pissed-off Mulder?<\/p>\n No. That was not a road he wanted to go down. He was going to start feeling sorry for himself and work himself up to crying about it, which would be hell on his sinuses, for one thing, and force Mulder to take care of him, which he was obviously in no mood to do, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just end up resenting Alex too, and that would do no one any good.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Maybe you should tell her. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d stop sleeping with him, wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t she, if she knew how important he was to you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder shrugged, shrinking into himself. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell her.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex sighed. No, of course he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell her. He had to have his feelings beaten out of him, scourged with pain, bright and real. He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just sit down with a friend and say, Look, this means a lot to me. Please, for my sake, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do it.<\/em> And of course he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ask Krycek not to sleep with her. Or he could, but Krycek would do as he pleased regardless. And helpless Mulder, who wanted it to be real and daren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stand up to Krycek about anything, would just bow his head and let Krycek do it.<\/p>\n Damn the both of them\u00e2\u20ac\u201dKrycek, for fucking his lover\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s partner, and Mulder, for accepting it. Damn them both for taking their stupid game beyond any sane limits into this vicious emotional torture.<\/p>\n And damn them for getting him caught in the middle. God, his sinuses hurt. He held his face in his hands, pressing the edges of the bandages. He should just take a couple of the painkillers the doctor had given him, and go to bed. But he hated drugs. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even like to take aspirin. There were other, better ways to deal with pain.<\/p>\n Like right now: a spanking would be very nice. The comforting warmth of lying across someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lap. The sharp, hot blows inflaming his bottom. The sweet pain would draw his focus back, away from his face, into his buttocks, where it was good to be hit, where the pain slid easily into sexual heat, growing and intensifying until even the throbbing in his sinuses would be a burning pleasure.<\/p>\n He could ask Mulder to do it, he supposed. And Mulder might even oblige him, just to be accommodating. And wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t that be humiliating\u00e2\u20ac\u201da pity spanking. Not the right kind of humiliation, either.<\/p>\n But maybe Mulder would get into it. He was angry enough right now to want to punish someone. Although it was Krycek he really wanted to punish. Would he accept Alex as a stand in?<\/p>\n Probably not. Alex wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe would never be able to hold the role convincingly. And even if he could, the dynamic wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t work. Mulder would crumble the moment Alex spoke his name in that low, velvety, supercharged voice. And Alex would end up on top, and damn it, he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to be on top tonight.<\/p>\n So forget it. Maybe he could just talk to Mulder. Get his mind off what Krycek and Scully might or might not be doing.<\/p>\n He pulled the bottle with the implants in it from his pocket and turned it idly before him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hey Mulder. You said the silver one was like Duane Barry\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder pulled himself up and cleared his throat. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes. Only his was about a half a centimeter longer.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n A centimeter and a half of metal up his sinuses. Alex suppressed the urge to cringe. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He only had one?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153One in his sinuses. There were also implants in his gums and abdomen, but those weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t removed. You remember this, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you? I mean, it happened in your world, too.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah, but I wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t paying that much attention. I remember that they pulled some metal out of him. And that Scully was carrying it when she.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Well, that wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to get his mind off Scully.<\/p>\n But Mulder just sighed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all right, Alex. It was a long time ago.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153For you it was.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d And that was something else that had been bothering him. And as long as Mulder seemed willing to talk about it.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How long was she gone?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Three months.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He spoke grimly. But didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem angry about it.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Does she remember what happened?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. Nothing after the mountain top, until she woke up in the hospital.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Because I was wondering. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve just been assuming I was only gone for a day or so, and that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s later here because the time lines are different. But I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t remember any of it. It could have been longer. It could have been months. Or years. The time lines might be the same after all, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve just been\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 wherever the hell it is they keep people all this time, and I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t remember it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I suppose.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I mean, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what, a year and a half? two years? out of my life.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d And god knows what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s happened to my Mulder in the mean time.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nothing we can do about it. And no way to even know, until you get back to your own world.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder stared distractedly at the window as he spoke.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, I know, Mulder, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pretty boring next to torturing yourself by imagining your lover boffing your partner, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s kind of important to me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The hot words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and he cursed them even as he spoke.<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s dark eyes flashed, but he visibly controlled himself, biting back whatever retort had been on his lips. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry. But I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what to say.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex shook his head wearily. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, Mulder, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just in a really bad mood. And so are you. Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just forget it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder nodded, and returned to staring out the window.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Another half-hour passed in silence. Alex had a feeling he might really enjoy this book, if he could ever concentrate enough to actually read any of it. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t his usual reading matter, by any means. (That was another thing he should have asked Krycek for this morning\u00e2\u20ac\u201da couple of dime store thrillers, something light and undemanding that his scattered brain could follow.) But he kind of liked the flow of the words, the elegant sentences with their sonorous rhythms\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthey were enjoyable in their own right, even if he lost the sense of it long before he reached the period. Maybe if he searched this vast library, he could find some books of that poetry Krycek had quoted to him that morning. That had been luxuriously good\u00e2\u20ac\u201dlying in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arms, listening to the cool, soothing tones of his voice as he recited the lines\u00e2\u20ac\u201dacross the great sea of being\u00e2\u20ac\u201d<\/em>god, what an exquisite pleasure! Who would have ever imagined that he would have a lover who would make his points with on-the-spot translations of classic literature, and medieval poetry? Or who tended his lovers like flowers in a garden?<\/p>\n But his flowers were wilting rather badly at the moment. (No way Mulder was a wisteria. Or a lilac bush. An orchid, undoubtedly. An extremely rare and beautiful one.) Mulder hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even bothered with the pretense of a book, or a television program. He just sat in his chair and stared off into space, steeping in his pain. Damn Krycek!<\/p>\n They should be trying to help each other, not ignoring each other, suffering alone. But what could he do to help Mulder? Talking wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to help, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just end up irritating each other. Anyway, it was Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s own damn fault for letting them treat him this way, Krycek and Scully both. He could do something about it if he wanted to, but obviously he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really want to. He was getting off on it on some level, despite the very real pain he was in. Or because of it. He could confront Mulder about that\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut why should he? That was Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s method. And the result would be Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s result: Mulder soft and submissive and on the bottom.<\/p>\n Which was fine for Krycek, but not for Alex. The way Alex felt right now, he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t top a mouse. He was feeling tired and grumpy and beat up and neglected, and in this mood he was only fit for being beaten into submission. He wanted it rough and mean and nasty. He wanted to be called names and slapped around. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d tried to get his own Mulder to be rough with him once, but he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do it. Would this Mulder? Krycek said he had a violent streak. He wanted Alex to teach him to top, if he could. Right now, he wanted to very badly. But he needed to find the right way to do it.<\/p>\n He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d already dismissed the idea of getting Mulder to directly vent his anger at Krycek. He wanted Mulder to use that anger, but he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to channel it somehow so that he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seeing Krycek while he did it. He could go for the straightforward approach\u00e2\u20ac\u201djust explain to Mulder how he wanted to be taken and ask him politely to do it. That would work if Mulder was a natural top, but he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. He might try to oblige, but he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be doing it from the bottom, just trying to please Alex, and that wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t what Alex wanted. Mulder had to be encouraged to express his own desires, to search out his own need to punish and hurt, to turn it into sexual dominance. He needed some sort of hook to hang it on. A role to play, at least to get him started, until he got his bearings and found his power. But it had to be something real enough that he could believe in it. Something that had happened\u00e2\u20ac\u201dnot between him and his Krycek, but perhaps between his doppelganger and Alex?<\/p>\n Oh god. Alex froze, his own fear and pain streaking through him, turning his nerves to spikes of acid. Encourage Mulder to punish him for what he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d done to his Mulder. It was close enough for Mulder to really feel it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dafter all, most of what Alex had done, Krycek had also done. Yet different enough for him to feel safe from Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s retribution. It would work. And Alex would feel it, too. God, it would hurt. Alex almost couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t breathe, the anticipated pain was so intense. Yet he knew he would do it. It felt perfect. He deserved this pain. He needed it. Even if it destroyed him. Yes, let them see if Mulder could control his cruelty and violence well enough to take Alex on this journey, and bring him back again.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Alex took a deep breath, then stood, laying his book carefully on the chair, and walked over to Mulder. His knees felt rubbery and he had to control his breathing closely to prevent himself from gasping. Mulder stared at him, eyes wide, recognizing that Alex was bringing him something important, but not yet knowing what it was. Alex sank to his knees at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feet. It would have to be done carefully. If he were too abject, Mulder would just feel sorry for him. Too forceful and Mulder would go under. He had to appeal to Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s strength, convince him that it was right and proper for him to use it.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder. I know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re angry with me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He tried to keep his voice even. Let a trace of cockiness slip in. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done terrible things. They needed to be done, but I know you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t believe that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He found his cocky grin, turned it full on Mulder, looking him right in the eye, for one long, heart-wrenching moment, then let his face go open and earnest again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll tell you a secret, Mulder. I loved letting you fuck me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder was dumbstruck\u00e2\u20ac\u201dconfused, a little frightened, angry and resentful\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut there was also a spark of hot delight in his eyes, the beginnings of a flush high on his cheeks. No overt response yet, but no pulling away.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I might admit I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve made mistakes. I might apologize, and beg your forgiveness. But you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to take me down. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to force me to do it. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d respect you if you could do that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lips parted, gradually, spreading into a slow, hazy smile. His face hardened, and the smile turned cold.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t expect you to pull any punches. I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want you to. I want you to show me everything you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got, no limits, no mercy. If it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s good enough, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll give you anything you want. If it isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll laugh in your face. Are you man enough, Mulder? I hope you are.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He closed his eyes and waited. Had he gone too far? Part of him almost hoped he had, that Mulder would smile gently and say, sorry, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to play this game. Almost. He tried to relax his control, to let his expression and his posture show what he was feeling: all the fear, and pain, and need. On his knees with his eyes closed, offering but not begging. Tried to show Mulder that he was here for the taking, for Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pleasure only, not his own. Waited.<\/p>\n Finally, he felt Mulder take his hands and pull him to his feet. He opened his eyes, and what he saw on Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face nearly made him whimper. The hazel eyes were bright and sharp with cruel delight. Mulder took his lower lip in his teeth, then let it slide free, wet and shiny. He slid one hand around Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s neck and drew him close, and then his mouth was on Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, hot and devouring.<\/p>\n Alex gasped and sank into the kiss. Let his mouth fall open and welcomed Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tongue, Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s full lips crushing into his. Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face pressed against his bandage, and pain lanced through his cheeks. (Alien metal.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6) He pressed back, sending his tongue against Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, drinking in the punishing pleasure.<\/p>\n Then Mulder brought his other hand up to Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s throat and gripped it hard, thumb pressing into Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s windpipe. Suddenly barely able to breathe, Alex fought down panic, forced himself not to pull away. He brought his hands up to Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s upper arms, holding on tight, allowing Mulder to choke him. The kiss went on, and Alex sucked eagerly at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth, even as his vision went red, and the pain screamed in his ears, and his head and his cock both throbbed.<\/p>\n Suddenly, Mulder released him, and he fell back, gasping. Dizzy, he clung to Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arms to keep from reeling. God. Mulder didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mess around. (Although vaguely he remembered that this was how Krycek had initiated Mulder, and wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it sweet that Mulder was using the same tricks on him?)<\/p>\n But he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hand Mulder his victory this easily. A few more deep breaths and he was steady again. Then he leaned forward to take another kiss.<\/p>\n Mulder pushed him back, finger raised in warning. That would have been a slap if his face hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been injured, he realized, and it was too bad his surgery was going to prevent him from receiving this particular bit of discipline. Mulder was going to have to find another way to enforce his rules, then, Alex thought, and with a grin leaned forward again.<\/p>\n The response was a cuff across his temple\u00e2\u20ac\u201da gentle blow, really, a friendly tap\u00e2\u20ac\u201dif he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just had his face cut open. Pain exploded in his sinuses. He sucked in air, and pressed his eyes shut against tears.<\/p>\n Mulder didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean it to be that bad, he thought. But then, considering that Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes were glowing as if he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just discovered what anger was, perhaps he did. And what had Alex expected, anyway? He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d created this situation. He was going to get exactly what he deserved, and that was only right.<\/p>\n Mulder gripped his shoulders, holding him at arm\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s length. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t take.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You started this, Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His own anger was bubbling up through the pain. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You wanted it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You lied to me. Do you think I would have fucked you if I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d known?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He punctuated each harsh sentence with a shake of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulders. And each shake sent new spikes of pain through his throbbing head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I thought you were my friend. I thought I could trust you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I tried to say no. You wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t listen to me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I would have listened if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d told me the truth!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell you! I wanted to.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d That last night in Montana, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been ready to tell Mulder everything. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d begged Mulder to let him tell him. But Mulder was too wrapped up in his own little fantasy to allow the cold truth in. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let you? I put a gun to your head and ordered you to keep pretending? I covered my ears and refused to listen?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n And that was true, Alex knew. If he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d tried hard enough, if he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d insisted, if he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d really been willing to accept the consequences, he could have made Mulder listen. Told him the truth, watched his face grow cold and hard, the teasing affection turn to hate, the strained, impossible happiness shatter and shred his heart into a million tiny, aching pieces.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How could I tell you, Mulder?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His voice had gone ragged, and the pain that burned inside him now was deep and familiar. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You would have hated me. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have lost you, and for what? They wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have stopped watching you, or working against you. It just would have been someone else.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153 \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcIf I hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t done it, somebody else would have,\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder mocked. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a tired old excuse, Krycek. Right up there with \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcI was only following orders.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek.<\/em> Oh, that was good. He should have been expecting it. But it hit him like another blow. Alex tried desperately to think, to pull himself together. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d slipped into the role so deeply now that he was no longer thinking in terms of the scene he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d set up\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthis was his Mulder accusing him, and somehow he must make him understand.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder, I\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I know I should never have let you touch me. That was wrong, and I knew it. I just should have said no to you, before it ever got started.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n A light sparked in Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes, and a faint smile curled his mouth. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right then. Say no to me now, like you should have then. Show me what you should have done.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n And before Alex could question it, Mulder had seized his face in his hands and pulled him close for another punishing kiss.<\/p>\n And how was he going to say no? Pull away, when the force of it made him dizzy? Say no, when any whimper of protest was swallowed up by Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s demanding hunger? Helplessly, Alex pushed at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulders with his fists, knowing his attempts were pitiful and weak. It was a cruel game, and one he was bound to lose.<\/p>\n Then Mulder was pressing up against him, one hand twining in Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hair, one arm encircling his back. The kiss turned tender, turned to a rain of gentle kisses on his face and ears. Alex almost wept from the sweetness of it. His body pressed against Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s without conscious thought or decision. He felt Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hardness on his thigh, and felt his own erection seeking the warmth of Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body. Why did it all have to be so wrong? Why couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t they just enjoy the simple pleasure of touching each other?<\/p>\n But he knew why. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d made the choice to work both sides of the fence. From the moment he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d accepted the assignment, Mulder was the mark, and no pleasure was simple between them, no emotion honest, no connection real. It was all a betrayal.<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lips teased at his ear. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hear you saying no. Didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you say this was wrong?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex gasped. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Then Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth was over his again, stopping any explanation he might have tried to give. Which was just as well, as he had nothing sensible to say. This was to be part of his punishment, then: to show him how easily he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been seduced, how ineffectual were his puny attempts to do what was right.<\/p>\n But I loved you,<\/em> his mind protested. By the time I knew it, it was too late. I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what to do.<\/em> The part of him that remembered this was not his Mulder, that this was just a game, refused to say the words aloud. It would do no good, anyway. He knew what Mulder would say: This is how you show love? With lies and betrayals? So much the worse for you, then, if this is really how you feel. All the more reason you should have told me the truth.<\/em><\/p>\n Finally, Mulder pushed him away again, roughly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not impressed with the way you say no.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n A tear dripped from Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eye, to soak into the bandage across his face. Hot pain pricked in his swollen sinuses. He shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be crying; it would be hell on his surgery. But it seemed only fitting that he should suffer this pain. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say no to you, Mulder. God, I tried. I just couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say no to me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder smiled with smooth satisfaction, as if Alex had fallen right into Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s trap. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I might believe that. Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just see what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll do. Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s see if you say no.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, and drew a ragged breath. Of course this was right\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe could deny Mulder nothing, so why bother to pretend? Let Mulder finally give him the punishment he deserved.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He could barely speak. He had to clear his throat before he could continue. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll do what you want. I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say no.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder brought one hand to Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face. Alex flinched; but the fingers that stroked his cheek were gentle. Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s smile, though, was hard and terrible. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right. Tell me what you did that was wrong. Everything.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n More tears leaked from Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes. His sinuses throbbed. Mulder continued to stroke his face, fingers trailing down the edges of the bandage. The tenderness was another punishment. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I went to work for your enemies.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And that was wrong?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice was low, caressing his ear, holding him immobile with its quiet strength. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d learned this from Krycek, Alex knew, and he appreciated the devastating precision of it even as his gut twisted in pain.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know. I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think it was when I started. He\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 they told me you were dangerous. That you had friends in high places, you were a troublemaker. They needed somebody to keep an eye on you. I believed them.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Was that what you believed when you slept with me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d There was anger in his face now, but the fingers on Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face were still painfully gentle.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. No, I figured out long before then that you weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the monster they said you were. But I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what to do.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What did you do that was wrong?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder prompted, his voice soft and easy again.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I kept on working for them, even though I knew it was wrong. I should have quit. Or told you the truth then, let you decide what to do.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And then?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I let you sleep with me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And then?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s heart was pounding so hard he could barely hear himself think. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I helped them take Scully.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said softly, a mere letting out of breath. His eyes drifted away, lit from deep inside, hot with pleasure. One more time his hand slid tenderly down Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cheek, pausing for a moment at his chin, stroking Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lower lip with his thumb. Then he released Alex, and took half a step back, his smile widening.<\/p>\n And he drove his fist hard into Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s stomach.<\/p>\n Before Alex could even double over in pain, Mulder had slammed his body up against Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, gripping him by the throat, pushing him back until he was jammed up against the wall. Then he grabbed Alex by the waistband of his jeans, and the collar of his tee shirt, and thrust his face close to Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, teeth bared, his cool, Krycek-like control gone.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You helped them take her!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder hissed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Three months she was gone. Do you know what they did to her?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, I\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The hand at Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s throat shook him, battering his head against the wall. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I thought you weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to say no to me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, Mulder, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what they did. He wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell me anything.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Would you like to find out?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u201dMulder, please\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Another sharp shake. Another stab of pain through his head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Would you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n There was only one answer he could give. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll show you what they did. What they might have done to her.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n What they might have done to Scully.<\/em> And what had they done to Alex? Three months, six months, a year\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhow long had he really been gone? How many invasions? What experiments had been performed? Cold alien metal in his face.<\/em> Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s stomach churned. Whatever you want. I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say no.<\/em> Would he break his promise to this Mulder now? Add another betrayal to all the others?<\/p>\n No. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you want me to do?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Go to the small bedroom and take your clothes off. Wait for me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The small bedroom: where the chains were. Alex couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t speak. He managed to nod, once, and turned to go, blindly.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Alex folded his clothes neatly and piled them on the chair beside the bed. The chair where Krycek had been sitting, watching him, when he woke bound to this bed. Despite the confusion and fear, the drugs and inrush of horrifying memories, that first time with Krycek had been oddly sweet.<\/p>\n There was going to be nothing sweet about this time with Mulder.<\/p>\n He sat on the bed, hands folded in his lap, the perfect picture of an obedient boy, waiting for his master. Tears still dripped down his face, soaking into his bandage. It was going to get wet, he thought idly, and come off. His doctor wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be very pleased. He hoped his sinuses wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be damaged by all the crying. Where the hell was Mulder? He was new at this. Perhaps he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sure himself what he was going to do. The thought was a little frightening. Had Krycek ever taught him about physical punishment? Where it was safe to hit, and how hard? How to test whether bonds were too tight? How to safely insert objects into orifices? Even without anger driving the scene, a novice top could make mistakes, in ignorance and the heat of the moment.<\/p>\n No help for it. No limits and no mercy.<\/em> He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just have to trust Mulder.<\/p>\n And maybe, somehow, this pain would be able to make a tiny dent, for just a little while, in the real pain that lived within him, constant and deep and unbearable.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Mulder stood in the doorway. He was still dressed, and carrying the black leather suitcase from Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s closet. Still wearing that expression of cold joy, that said finally, finally<\/em> he was going to get the chance to punish someone<\/em> for all the pain and horror he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been through. Not just Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s betrayals of his own Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhow much unrelieved rage did Mulder have stored up? Cancerman\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s casual interference in Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s life. Skinner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s stern attempts to keep Mulder in line. His father\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s complicity in the tragedies that shaped Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s life. His own Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s finely honed cruelty\u00e2\u20ac\u201dno matter that Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sexual pathology demanded it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe pain was real, the smoldering resentment a constant rasp inside him. And Scully\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwas he angry with her, too, for not having the simple common decency to avoid sleeping with her best friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lover? Not that Mulder would ever admit it, even to himself. But that pain would be there, too, eager to find an outlet with this willingly offered sacrificial lamb. Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s palms began to sweat.<\/p>\n Mulder brought the case into the room and laid it on the chair, on top of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s clothes. He opened it with a flourish, showing none of the trembling reverence he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d had when he brought the case to Krycek the previous morning. Now he was madly cheerful\u00e2\u20ac\u201da travelling salesman from hell. He reached into the case, handling the objects, smiling to himself. Wondering how many he could try out in one session? Attempting to calculate the pain that could be measured out with each implement?<\/p>\n Then he turned from the case to stand before Alex. His posture was casual, arms folded loosely across his chest, one hip tipped forward. He was wearing a faded blue linen shirt and blue jeans, looking like a magazine ad for weekend elegance. He was so beautiful Alex wanted to cry. Alex felt suddenly terribly ashamed of his own naked body. He felt like a small, vile, pale slug, not even worth crushing under one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s boots. He wanted to throw himself at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feet and apologize for being such a pathetic target for Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wrath.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All those long nights at the office, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure I must have told you the stories.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He was trying to be calm, to emulate Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cool, studied tones, but his voice was rough with emotion. He shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be trying to be Krycek, Alex thought, it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t his style at all. Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s beauty and strength were in his passion, and absurdly, Alex wanted to tell him so.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I remember.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex closed his eyes for a moment, to bring those nights back, that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been so desperately trying not to think about since he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d come here. He drew a ragged breath. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I remember. You had a desk in Urban Fraud, where you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been doing the wiretap work. The side of it was pushed up against some filing cabinets. There were pictures of Samantha taped to them. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d sit on the other side of the desk, sideways to it, with my back against the filing cabinets.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He opened his eyes. Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lip was beginning to tremble\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe remembered those days, too. The desk, away from his precious basement office and his precious Scully; the eternal photos of his sister Samantha. Alex continued, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d bring you coffee. Candy bars from the vending machines. Sometimes we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d order pizza. And we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d sit there and talk, for hours and hours.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You talked about the abductions. People you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d talked to, things you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d read, cases you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d worked on. God, you knew so much\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d spent your whole life finding out everything you could about it. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d get so intense when you talked about it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyour eyes would glow, and your voice would get heavy, and you were so beautiful, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just sit there staring at you, mesmerized, adoring you, while you told me the stories.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Then you know what they do.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice was a soft hiss now, and Alex could see the rise and fall of his chest beneath the blue linen as he spoke. Much better.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He let his eyes fall closed again, and his memory slide forward to another day: standing in his bedroom, digging frantically through drawers, tossing things randomly toward the suitcase on the bed, tears streaming down his face. Your assignment is over.<\/em> (And so is your career, you little fool, didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you ever think about what was likely to happen if you took this path?) I want you out of D.C. by tonight. Use the documents we provided you, and disappear. Take a vacation.<\/em> (Yes, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m having a lovely vacation, you son of a bitch. Did you plan this too? Send them after me, to get me out of the way, after you gave them Scully?)<\/p>\n Then there had been a sudden bright light. (Nuclear flash had been his first panicked thought. D.C. a great big hole in the ground. He supposed he should be glad that this, at least, had been wrong.) A huge rushing noise, so vast it hurt his ears, and his head throbbed with the pressure. Time dilation so extreme, it seemed to take years to fall to the floor. But he felt nothing, he had only the evidence of his eyes to tell him that he was lying on his back next to his bed, scattered clothing tangled around him. His chest felt crushed, and his lungs refused to take in air. His mouth opened to scream, but his paralyzed lungs produced no sound.<\/p>\n Then, for just an instant before everything went black, he saw them: small and thin and gray, with round, pear-shaped heads and huge black eyes. Long, leathery gray fingers reaching out for him, amazingly strong for all their appearance of fragility. Gentle, chittering voices like laughter bubbling behind the rushing noise, now just the sound of the ocean in seashells. And he felt his body grow light, rising up out of the drifts of pain, and slowly begin to drift away.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Panic gripped him. One hand went involuntarily to his face, to touch the bandage, to reassure himself the implants were gone now, and he was free of their presence. A strangled, whimpering noise escaped his throat. He forced himself to stay still, forced himself to look up at Mulder, who was watching him squirm with righteous satisfaction, one corner of his mouth twisted into a grim smile.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder was curt, giving up the pretense of cool control. He took Alex by the shoulders, and pushed him back onto the bed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Then tell me\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhat\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the first thing they do with their abductees?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Tie them down.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It was what Mulder wanted, anyway\u00e2\u20ac\u201dAlex bound and helpless, completely at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mercy. That was why they were here in this room, with the chains attached to the legs of the bed. And ordinarily, Alex liked being tied up\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut now, with the memories bright and clear in his mind of lying immobile on his back in his D.C. apartment with the small gray men touching his body, it frightened him almost out of his reason. It was hard, so hard, to let Mulder spread his arms and legs out wide from his body, and buckle the cuffs securely around his wrists and ankles. It was hard to lie here on his back, painfully exposed and vulnerable, and not struggle or plead with Mulder to let him go. It was hard to feel his rigid cock lying against his belly in the cool air of the bedroom, his nipples hardened to little nubs on his heaving chest, droplets of sweat trickling down his ribcage making him shiver as they cooled, all his body\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s responses announcing to Mulder that he was eager to be abducted, experimented on, used. No wonder the aliens kept him so long. They must have been terribly amused.<\/p>\n As if hearing his thought, Mulder chuckled. He stood by the bed, observing his handiwork, his eyes raking up and down Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s trembling body, taking in every twitch and drop of sweat, every sign of shameful need. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wonder if they even know what sexual response is?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder mused. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153They don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t appear to have genitals. Probably they reproduce some other way. I suppose they must find it fascinating.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Here he reached out to trail his fingers along Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock, smiling as it twitched and jumped under his delicate touch. Alex bit his lip and desperately forced his body to remain still. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What makes it get hard? What makes it release its stream of fluid?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He cupped Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s balls in his hand, rolling them gently. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why do some of the abductees respond to easy strokes,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d his hand demonstrated with long, slow motions, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153and some to rougher treatment?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He released Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock, and slapped it sharply. Alex couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop the thrust of his hips, or the desperate cry that escaped his throat. His hands twisted in their cuffs, and his body writhed in its bonds.<\/p>\n Mulder chuckled again, and stepped back. His own face was flushed, and his breathing had quickened. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll study other things, too.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He went to the suitcase, and picked through the contents. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll want to know the body\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s responses to other stimuli.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He withdrew the riding crop from the case.<\/p>\n Alex whimpered. Of course, he should have known. That riding crop would have you bleeding,<\/em> he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d told Mulder. It was the most painful of the whips in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s case, and Mulder was going right for the top.<\/p>\n Mulder turned to Alex, holding the riding crop before him, stroking the stiff lash in the palm of his hand. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll observe the look on the abductee\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face when he sees the implement. The way the eyes widen and the mouth opens to protest. The gasps for breath. And what does the abductee do?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He slapped the crop against his open palm. His eyes darkened and grew dreamy as the crack lingered in the air.<\/p>\n Mulder wanted him to beg. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Please.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice was a breathy sob. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Please don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hurt me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder nodded. He seemed pleased. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The abductees struggle and plead. But the aliens don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t care. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just more data to them. They make a note of it, and continue.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He ran the tip of the riding crop over Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body: around his collarbone, down to circle each nipple, across his belly to his navel. He lifted Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock with it, while Alex whimpered and moaned. He tickled Alex between the legs, with the knotted tip of the whip. He moved down to tap the soles of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feet. Alex gave up trying to control his response, let his body twist and jerk and struggle. His cock burned like fire.<\/p>\n Then Mulder came back to the head of the bed. He smiled at Alex, and ran his tongue along his lips. His eyes were hazy and unfocused. He lifted the riding crop, watching Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face, giving him several long seconds to anticipate the blow. Then he struck.<\/p>\n The blow landed across Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest, two inches above his left nipple. Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s whole body flinched, hard, from the burning pain. A wailing cry tore from his throat. Tears streamed from his eyes. At the back of his mind was the vague thought that at least, lying on his back, his tears flowed down his temples, rather than into his already-soggy bandage. Salty sweat and tears had already seeped into his incisions, making them sting and burn. The whip was relief from that pain, anyway.<\/p>\n Another blow, lower down, and across the right side of his chest. Again, he flinched and cried out. His body arched and twisted, helplessly seeking escape. He was glad, now, that he had no more control. It was good to offer his utter surrender to Mulder, to let him enjoy Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pain and futile struggles. It was good to be whipped and punished. The next blow was across his left thigh, and his cry was nearly a scream. Mulder was taking his time between each lash of the riding crop, watching the red welts grow, letting Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s struggles quiet before unleashing the next round, carefully planning the placement of each new stripe. He was an artist, Alex thought, decorating his human canvas with blood and suffering\u00e2\u20ac\u201d<\/p>\n Another stab of searing memory: helpless women suspended naked on a rack, bound by their wrists and ankles, screaming in pain, while the killer stood over them with his razor, slicing with careful, precise cuts, making gruesome art of their dying bodies.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n The Montana case. The Kafka Killer. Alex screamed and sobbed. Blood dripping down, soaking into the ground, a charnel house of debased and destroyed innocence.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/em> He wept and let the memories come. No more hiding\u00e2\u20ac\u201dlet it all have him, let the pain wash through him, let it do its worst. Without realizing it, he found that his body had begun to strain into the blows, to seek them out. And this was good, too. He almost protested when Mulder stepped back and set the riding crop aside.<\/p>\n Mulder was breathing nearly as hard as Alex, and his face was shiny with sweat. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never whipped anyone before, Alex thought hazily. It had been an intense experience for him. He was good at it, though. Careful and thoughtful, sensitive to his partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s reactions, even deep in the passion of it. Alex should have known\u00e2\u20ac\u201dKrycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s months of training wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t evaporate so easily. He lay back panting, feeling the welts crisscrossing his body. He was going to remember this one for a long time. (And had the aliens performed experiments like this? Were they surprised when the blows made his cock rise?) He swallowed and sniffed, wishing vaguely that he could blow his nose.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I almost forgot,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said softly, his voice a ragged whisper. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The aliens don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wear clothes, do they?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Slowly, he began to undress. It was an elegant and beautiful display, but with a mocking edge\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit said, This body is not for you. You may look, but you may not touch. You may only be touched, and only as I will.<\/em> Alex watched, burning with helpless longing. Then Mulder sat on the bed beside him, tantalizingly close yet out of reach.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153While you were in with Duane Barry, killing him, I was in the hall, thinking about Scully.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His face grew closed and hard, and he stared off into space, remembering. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I thought about what they might have been doing to her. I pictured her strapped to their table, strange alien instruments attached to her body.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He looked down at Alex, and his face was dark with hate. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I never wanted to have to think about her that way. Never wanted to have to know that someone else I cared about was forced to suffer that. No matter what happens, for the rest of my life, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll always have to know that there was a time when they had her, and that they did terrible things to her. Things she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll always have to wonder about. Things that almost killed her.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He reached out and touched Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face, stroking the bandage over the incisions. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How does it make you feel, Krycek, to know that you helped do that to her?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes and throat burned. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, Mulder. I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what they were going to do. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never have gone through with it\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand tightened, pressing harder into Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face. Alex gasped in pain. The hand lifted, paused, and Alex froze in fear. His sinuses, god, please Mulder no\u00e2\u20ac\u201d<\/p>\n Then Mulder was up, face twisted in rage, working savagely at the cuffs, unbuckling them and jerking Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wrists and ankles free. Alex lay still, afraid to move, even as Mulder unbound him. As the last cuff came off, Mulder ordered harshly, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Turn over.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex obeyed quickly, arranging himself on his stomach, stretching out his arms and legs to be replaced in the restraints. But Mulder couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wait, he was already digging in the case for whatever he planned to use on Alex next.<\/p>\n He brought out the loose-lashed flogger, the one that Alex had used on him. Alex swallowed hard, thanking whatever sense Mulder had left that made him choose the least harmful of the whips to unleash his fury on Alex. Because Alex knew that Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s delicate control was gone. There would be no artistry to this whipping; Mulder was just plain going to beat him. Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fingers dug into the mattress.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hold still,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder ordered. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t move. They do something to you so you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t move.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The whip came down across his buttocks, so hard that it drove his hips into the mattress. Behind his own gasp of pain, Alex heard Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s echoing gasp of dark pleasure. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you happy about what you did?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Across his shoulders, the whip struck. Again on his back, and again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you still think it was necessary?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d A succession of savage blows on his buttocks. Alex heard himself sobbing, a keening wail rising from his throat. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you think there was nothing else you could have done?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex tried to find the voice to answer, to grovel and beg, to apologize with all his heart for what he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d done. He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t force the words past the wailing sobs. Mulder continued to flog him, the blows falling rapidly, on his back, his thighs, his buttocks. Mulder was putting his whole body into it, hitting with all his strength, until he was gasping for breath. It was fatigue that finally slowed his arm, and made him drop the whip, although he managed enough energy to add three sharp, open-handed slaps to Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s throbbing butt before standing back to catch his breath.<\/p>\n Alex continued to sob helplessly, face buried in the pillow. The pain in his tortured sinuses seemed pitiful and irrelevant now, compared to the burning, aching, searing pain etching his skin over almost his entire body. It was pure and perfect and electric.<\/p>\n Then Mulder was on the bed between Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s legs, pushing his tender thighs apart with his knees, one hand reaching between his buttocks with cool, slippery fingers; the other hand twisting in his hair. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t answered me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said softly into his ear. One finger slid into Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s anus, moving gently inside him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Tell me, Krycek, how does it feel? Do you like what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m doing?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He found Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s prostate and stroked it.<\/p>\n Alex started to squirm, then forced his body still. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s good, Mulder. I like it. I like it all.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you sorry for what you did?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d A second finger slid in beside the first. His thighs trembled as he struggled not to thrust against Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153God, Mulder, yes. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The sobs began to rise again.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good. Remember that. Keep saying it, while I fuck you. I want you screaming it when you come.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Three fingers. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Anh\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, Mulder. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The fingers worked him, and he sobbed while his cock burned beneath him. His hands found the chains of the wrist cuffs, and gripped them tightly. His hips twitched, jabbing his cock into the mattress, despite his best efforts to be still. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he wept, while Mulder lay atop him, hard cock pressing into the back of his thigh, thrusting into him with his fingers. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder whispered. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Keep saying it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Then he pulled his fingers free, and shifted between Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s legs, and Alex felt Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock pressing into his anus. Alex gasped. Desperately, he gripped the chains and cried. Mulder should have tied him back up, he was never going to make it. Or perhaps that was the point\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe was intended to fail Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s orders, so Mulder could punish him again.<\/p>\n All right, then. Let Mulder punish him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, Mulder,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he moaned, and thrust back against Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock.<\/p>\n Mulder moved back with him, not letting Alex have any more than he was willing to give him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Little fool.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He twisted his hand in Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hair, pulling it tight. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I want you squirming under me. Go ahead.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex whimpered and thrust back again, and this time Mulder held still and let him impale himself. God, it was good, having Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock inside him. His tortured body burned. He writhed and moaned and sobbed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he repeated again and again, while Mulder fucked him, hard and deep and punishingly good. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Please forgive me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he gasped between thrusts, aching between the pain of the whippings and the searing pleasure of the cock in his ass. The Forever Place beckoned, and he wept to have to push it away, but he could not allow himself to slip away to that precious place\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe must stay here with Mulder and tell him over and over and over again how sorry he was. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he screamed as he came, and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he groaned when Mulder followed. Then, after Mulder had gathered him up into his arms, and held him like a child, he clung to Mulder with all his strength and continued to sob, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, Mulder, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m so sorry, Mulder I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d until he had no more breath to speak.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Mulder was exquisitely tender with him afterwards, holding him and rocking him gently, stroking the damp hair from his face, whispering soothing nonsense into his ear. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I forgive you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said softly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And if I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m any judge of Mulders, your Mulder will too. You can tell him from me, if he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have him kicked out of the Society of Alternate Universe Mulders.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex was forced to giggle, and this, strangely, caused a jab of pain in his sinuses that all the hysterical sobbing hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Your poor face,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder murmured. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll get you some ice. Stay here a minute.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Then Mulder worked his way out from under Alex and slipped over him and out of the room.<\/p>\n It was lonely without him, and all of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s various physical pains made themselves felt. He inspected his chest, running his fingers along the welts. What was Krycek going to think? Mulder used the whips\u00e2\u20ac\u201ddid he have permission from Krycek to use the toys? Well, he must have, or he never would have dared to touch them. Alex sighed. Nothing was ever simple around here. But he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d gotten what he wanted, and Krycek had better not punish Mulder for it. (Not that he knew what he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d do about it if Krycek did.)<\/p>\n It was a blessed relief when Mulder came back, with a whole armload of supplies\u00e2\u20ac\u201da pitcher of water, and glasses, and a couple of towels, along with the promised ice pack. He gave Alex a glass of water, which he drank gratefully, while Mulder toweled him down. Then Mulder lay back down at his side, and very carefully pulled the soggy bandage from his face. He winced a little at what he saw underneath. It must be a mess, Alex thought, swollen and bruised and ugly. Alex tried to smile at him, but even this was becoming an irritation to his battered body.<\/p>\n Mulder kissed him, ever-so-gently, on either side of his face. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he whispered.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all right. I wanted it. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m glad you did it, Mulder. All of it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder smiled crookedly at him, then reached across to gather up a small towel. Wrapped up in it was a tube of antibacterial cream. Gently, he applied the cool cream to Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s incisions. Then he covered Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face with the towel, folding it so that it took the place of the bandage, and gave him the ice packs to put on his throbbing sinuses. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Thanks, Mulder,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he muttered drowsily. He was coming down with a vengeance; he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be asleep in moments.<\/p>\n Mulder propped himself up on some pillows, then pulled Alex into his arms, letting Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s back rest against his chest. He threw the large towel over them, and then brought up one hand to help Alex hold the ice in place against his sinuses. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Rest now,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said softly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Everything\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to be all right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Twice in one day,<\/em> Alex thought, as he drifted off to sleep. Not such a bad day after all.<\/em><\/p>\n Back to Day Four<\/a> | Continue to Day Six<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" ADULTS ONLY Contains explicit male\/male sex, BDSM, and disturbing themes. Pairing: Mulder\/Krycek\/Krycek Summary: Alex Krycek finds himself face-to-face with another version of himself in an alternate universe\u00e2\u20ac\u201da very dangerous and seductive Alex Krycek. Alex quickly realizes he may not live to see the morning, much less ever return to his own world. 1999 Disclaimer: The […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-126","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/126","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=126"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/126\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=126"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}