ADULTS ONLY<\/p>\n
Contains explicit male\/male sex, BDSM, and disturbing themes.<\/em><\/p>\n Pairing: Mulder\/Krycek\/Krycek<\/p>\n Summary: Alex Krycek finds himself face-to-face with another version of himself in an alternate universe\u00e2\u20ac\u201da very dangerous and seductive Alex Krycek. Alex quickly realizes he may not live to see the morning, much less ever return to his own world.<\/p>\n 1999<\/p>\n Disclaimer: The X-Files belong to Chris Carter and Ten-Thirteen Productions. No infringement is intended.<\/p>\n DAY SIX<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Alex was lying in bed in his dorm room at Dartmouth. It had been a really rough game, and he ached all over. Even his face hurt. Must have been that stray fist that managed to pull his helmet up and crack him across the bridge of the nose. His quarterback, Tom, was sitting beside him on the bed, asking him quietly if he was all right. But it didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really quite sound like Tom, and anyway, what would Tom be doing in his dorm room in the morning? Alex groaned and tried to pull his throbbing face out of the pillow enough to mumble that, yes, he was all right, but he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t manage more than a wordless whisper. A gentle, long-fingered hand stroked his neck and pressed him gently back down into the pillow; a low voice murmured, never mind, just rest.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n Not Tom. Not that low, throaty voice, or those long, delicate fingers. Not Tom, but someone familiar and beloved. Not a football player, though, and not here at Dartmouth.<\/p>\n Before he could truly worry at it, Alex had slipped quietly back to sleep.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n It was Mulder sitting beside him, in the hotel in Montana, and with a contented smile he slid an arm around Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lap and pressed his bandaged face into Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hip. Pain lanced through the cuts in his face. He whimpered a little, and moved until he found a way to lie close to Mulder that wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t too painful. He felt the deep bruises in his buttocks, and on his back, and the burning whip cuts on his chest and thighs, and he clung tighter to his beloved. Finally, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d confessed, and Mulder had punished him, and that was good. He belonged to Mulder now, and he was content. Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand stroked his hair and played across his sore shoulders.<\/p>\n He should be serving Mulder, Alex thought. He should be in the floor, worshipping at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feet, begging his forgiveness, offering his body for more punishment. He made one feeble attempt to push himself up, but managed only a brief tensing of weary muscles before collapsing back at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side. Mulder shushed him, and held his shoulders, and told him to lie still, and he obeyed, knowing he could do no more in any case. But it was Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s will, so he was content.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Krycek stood in the doorway. Silent as always; a cool, sleek, powerful presence. Alex didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to hear him to know he was there, or even turn his head to look. His brother-self was there, watching him, thoughts turning in his head like a vast, elegant, intricate clockwork, alien and beautiful. Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s own head was a soggy muddle. He had nothing to give his master. He was striped, but not by Krycek, and he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even offer his pain for Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pleasure.<\/p>\n Krycek stood by the bed. Alex gripped the pillow with his hands, his mind darting like a small, trapped thing. Afraid. Angry. Lost. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t love you,<\/em> was the wail in his mind. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand it.<\/p>\n His brother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fingertips brushed lightly along his cheek. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Shh. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all right. Go back to sleep.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d And his brother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s will was strong and inexorable, and crushed him into nothingness, and he tumbled headlong into sleep.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n It was late in the day. Mulder and Krycek had been up for hours. He should get up, too. He should go find Mulder, call him master and thank him for the beating, and humbly ask his will. But Krycek was his true master; his and Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s both, so perhaps he should be submitting himself to Krycek. But Krycek didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe kept telling him, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t belong to me, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to be mine. Even though he did own him. It was a cruel tease, but Alex had no choice but to go along with it. Perhaps Krycek wanted him to belong to Mulder? That was why he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d made Mulder angry, so he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d take it out on Alex, take Alex off his hands? Alex felt so confused. Why wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t they just tell him what they wanted from him, instead of leaving him to flounder and make mistakes? Why did they even pretend he had any choice in the matter?<\/p>\n Tears pricked at Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes, and his swollen sinuses throbbed. No good crying. No point, anyway. Mulder liked it, and Krycek didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t care. He sighed, and dabbed his eyes with the pillowcase. God, he ached. His body felt heavy and boneless and soul-deep weary. Why should he get up? What was the point? If Krycek wanted him up, he could damn well come and order him to get up. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to twist himself up trying to figure out what Krycek wanted any more. He was just going to sleep.<\/p>\n Three tears leaked unnoticed into the pillow. But before they could gather up a storm, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d faded once again into the warm escape of sleep.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n The warm, rich smell of coffee accompanied Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s presence this time. Alex blinked and turned his head, and watched Mulder set the steaming mug on the night table. Mulder smiled gently.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to drink it. But Krycek thought you might be ready to wake up a little.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What time is it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex was almost surprised to hear real words emerge from his throat.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nearly one.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder sat on the bed beside him, and rubbed his shoulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How are you feeling?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex shrugged. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Tired. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to wake up.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay. Sleep all day, if you want to. Do you want me to bring you anything?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He slid close to Mulder, tucked his arm around Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s thighs. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just stay with me for a little while.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n When he next awoke, Alex was alone. He sighed and shifted, groaning at the stiffness in his neck and back. He reached out to the night table, and with a trembling hand gripped the mug of coffee. It was lukewarm now, but he pushed himself awkwardly upright and sipped it.<\/p>\n His head was pounding, and his hands shook while he drank the coffee. His whole body protested sitting up. Midway through the mug of coffee, he gave up. He put the mug back on the nighttable and lay back down. The sheets were tangled and rumpled, and the pillow twisted under his head, but he was too weary to straighten them. His heart thumped in his chest. Several of the deepest whip cuts burned, stretched and pulled by the exertion, and his buttocks ached deeply from the brief effort at sitting up. He tried to wrap himself up in the pain, to savor and enjoy it, to let it take him under, to the warm comfort and pleasure of submission. But his mind wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t cooperate; he just hurt. He was lost, and couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do it alone. He needed a master, someone to offer his pain to, someone to take care of him, someone to love.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n Mulder!<\/em> his mind cried out. He was in hell. He was lost in hell, and this was his punishment for betraying the one he loved.<\/p>\n Alex lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. His body was a lance of pain. His mind burned. His heart twisted and shrunk and ached. But his eyes remained dry, his agony at last too harsh even for tears. Mulder!<\/em> he screamed, silently, across the universes. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t apologize, or explain, or beg for forgiveness. He just screamed the name, silently, but with all the pain and need and hopeless love in his being.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how long he lay there before he became aware of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s presence. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even know if he might have fallen asleep again. But Krycek was there, and his strong presence blotted out some of the screaming agony, and like a switch interrupting an electric current, stopped his silent wails.<\/p>\n He lay quietly, watching. He suddenly felt guilty. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been broadcasting pain like radiowaves, and Krycek had come to switch him off. Sorry. Now he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even suffer without Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s permission. Learn to switch it off, like Krycek did. Time to give up being Alex, it was a total failure. Like father always said, you never do anything right. Time to give it up.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex, are you all right?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n All right? The words didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean anything. Alex shrugged. He stared dully at Krycek. Go on, get it over with. Switch me off.<\/p>\n Krycek observed him for a moment. Then, with great care and deliberation, he sat beside Alex, arranging himself with his back against the headboard and his legs stretched out on the bed. Gently, slowly, as if he were handling a rare and fragile treasure, he gathered Alex into his arms, carefully avoiding the worst of the bruises, pulling his collar aside so that the points wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t touch Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tender face, holding Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s naked body to him with firm delicacy.<\/p>\n Alex melted into Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s embrace with a whimpering shudder. Desperately, he forced tears away. All right. All right. Time to pull himself together again. Time to start dealing with it again. His fingers dug into Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side, and he gasped for breath, and slowly felt himself relax.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not your fault,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek murmured. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know you think it is, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not. They took Scully, and Scully never did anything but stand by Mulder. They took Duane Barry, and Barry was one of the best field agents the Bureau ever had. It doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re an idiot, it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean you did anything unforgivable.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It was a nursery voice, low and soothing, with a rocking lilt in it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If they took you for anything you did, it was probably for learning to care about Mulder. Otherwise, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be no reason not to leave you in your own universe and go on using you. Or they might have taken you for the same reason they took Scully, because Mulder cared about you. Either way, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not your fault. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re stuck with what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s happening to you because of what you did right, not what you did wrong.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He heard his brother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s words, but they didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to matter now, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d think about them later. Only the tone mattered, the tone and what he could hear behind it: no games for once, just concern, care, a desire to help. It was good, only it made him want to cry too, and dammit, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d decided not to cry any more.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 Krycek was still talking, using that same low, rocking tone. He took deep breaths, willing away the tightness in his chest and throat. Listen to the words, maybe there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be some distraction there, something his exhausted mind could catch and ride, like a boat guided back to harbor on the tide.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 of course, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s one way to keep focused on the fact that there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s actually somebody with you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek was saying. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Otherwise, your mind can just wift off, and before you know it you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re in the middle of some internal argument about the narrative structure of Beowulf or something. Anyway, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sort of a family tradition; and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re sort of family; so I suppose it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s appropriate.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Some change in the set of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s muscles must have communicated itself to Krycek, because he paused for just a moment. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The stream of chatter, I mean,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he told Alex. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Dad was probably the worst\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI mean, my mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s second husband, not our biological father. When Tori was a baby she had colic, she had to be picked up and walked around for something like two straight months; and we used to find Dad explaining particle physics to her while he did it. He always said if it put undergraduates to sleep, it ought to work with infants, who didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have anything like their attention span, let alone their indoctrination in the rudeness of falling asleep when someone was actually talking to you. But the rest of the family does it too. We don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even require babies, we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re the same way with dogs and horses and automobiles and the stray post-surgical grownup. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s one of those unwritten rules, I suppose. \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcAll soothing nothings are to be in the form of complete sentences, grammatically correct, which sentences are to convey actual information whether the listener is interested in it or not. No excuses, no exceptions.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex tried to giggle, but it came out as a kind of hiccup. The motion hurt. Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand moved carefully through his hair, ruffling it back against the growth, and stopped at his temple. Alex felt his fingers seek out a spot near the center of his temple and come to rest there, exerting just the barest hint of pressure. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not going to nag you to take the codeine,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. The rhythm of his voice was unchanged. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to take the stuff either. Maybe when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re feeling a little less queasy we can get some aspirin down you, though. Be good for all the cuts and bruises, not just for the sinus pain. That, and a little more caffeine, in case some of the headache is caffeine withdrawal, which can cause pretty serious pain all by itself. Add some nice repellent flat ginger ale, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be as good as new. The three basic drug groups: sugar, caffeine, aspirin. Cure anything.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The acupressure was actually working, or else it was the effect of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice or of his presence: Alex could feel his stomach beginning to settle. He would have nodded, but that would have dislodged Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand, and anyway he remembered the experiment with the giggle. Better to lie still.<\/p>\n Krycek seemed to understand what he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t said, though. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153When you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re ready,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he told him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153\u00e2\u20ac\u201dYou know, families are the devil. Yours; Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s. It would be interesting to see how alike they are. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Mulder, convinced in his bones that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a waste of space and resources if he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t accomplish something truly remarkable with his life\u00e2\u20ac\u201da goal he can never meet, because his notions of what would be good enough get adjusted upward every time he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s close to accomplishing anything, no matter how impressive it is. And here you are, convinced that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re weak and useless and pathetic in defiance of all evidence to the contrary. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not so different from what Mulder does to himself. Nobody gets to that point without a whole lot of help from their families, busily hiding the real facts from them. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got all the same facts I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got, and look, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re still convinced that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re handling this situation badly, for example. Which is totally irrational: when you look at the situation fairly, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s clear that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re doing a remarkably good job of handling it. Evidence that you have nerves of steel, in fact, when you really think it through. You can debate the strategy, but you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t argue about the strength.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He wanted to protest\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhat evidence? Just look at him, he was so wrecked he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t move. Or speak, which was why he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t protest. That, and the delicious comforting tones of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice, and the strong, warm feel of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands on him and Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body beneath him, which he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to disturb for anything. And the unmistakable ring of truth in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe believed what he was saying, he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just telling Alex nice things to make him feel better, he really, truly thought, in spite of everything.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n His throat tightened and the tears were back, hot and salty, along with the piercing throb in his sinuses. With an odd, squeaking gasp, he gripped Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm and ribcage and fought them back again. It was a losing battle, of course\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe shape he was in, he was going to cry, no way to stave it off forever, or even for the duration of this sweet interlude. Just let him have a little longer, let the pounding in his head and the churning in his stomach subside a little more so he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t end up retching in the floor from it.<\/p>\n Six deep breaths, while Krycek continued to press gently at his temple, and with the other hand held his shoulder firmly, and waited while Alex worked his way through it. Alex could feel the waves of strength his brother was sending him, helping him shore himself up, and it felt so wonderfully, incredibly good, it made him want to cry again<\/em>, but finally he had enough control to relax in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arms dry-eyed and calm.<\/p>\n And Krycek was going to have bruises, too, the way Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fingers were digging into his side. Alex sighed a little and forced his grip to relax, rubbing the offended area with his fingers.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s true,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek murmured. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a victim of contemporary fashion, Little Brother, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all. You feel stupid about crying, because it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the late 20th century and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been brought up to think that real men aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t supposed to show a lot of feeling, and most especially real men aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t supposed to cry. But that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just our cultural baggage. Strong men, heroes, cry in moments of stress through several thousand years of the Western canon, you know. The Iliad starts off with Achilles having a screaming fight with Agamemnon, and then going off and crying over it; and he goes right on crying through tens of thousands of lines of epic poetry, until he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s finally killed in battle. Arthur and the lords of his court cry. Jesus himself is said to have cried in public. Not weak men, any of them. It may be out of fashion, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not a sign of weakness.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It may even be a sign of unusual strength. In you, I think it is. \u00e2\u20ac\u201dSure, if you run into a guy who cries the way a child does, because he hasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t learned to bear the ordinary discomforts of living, or to handle normal levels of frustration, that guy has a problem. But learning to deal realistically with the world, while still staying sufficiently open to your feelings to experience them fully, to be able to cry over them: that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s something different. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re taught as men not to express this stuff, not to let ourselves get wrapped up in it, I think, because feelings are so powerful, and so hard to control; and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not always safe to act on them. Lots of men couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t integrate them if they tried; it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s safer for those men and for all the rest of us if they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re taught to sneer at feelings, to believe they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have any worth mentioning. Because to feel things fully, and still make a grownup\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s choices, is too hard for most people.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re doing it. This situation would be easier on you if you could shut down a little, compartmentalize the different sets of emotional issues, send some of the fear and pain off to deal with another time. Easier; but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think it would be healthier. And you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not even looking for a crutch: you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re just facing the storm and walking straight through it. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s genuinely remarkable, Alex. \u00e2\u20ac\u201dMulder couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do it, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think. And I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even try.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek stopped for a minute, and when he spoke again there was a slight change in his tone, a trace of his usual amusement. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, I mean it. If I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think you were strong as hell, I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have trusted you to handle Mulder last night.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n It was the tone that Alex responded to first, and it was purely a physical response: he stiffened, then slowly went limp as the warm pleasure drained out of him. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d known it wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t last, of course\u00e2\u20ac\u201dpure indulgence never did\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut he had been hoping it would be just a little longer, he was still so sore and tired. He tucked his arms tighter around Krycek, wriggled himself even closer, shut his eyes and pressed his face into Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s neck, ignoring the pain in his sinuses, trying vainly to recover the sweet, hazy comfort.<\/p>\n It was a testament to just how muzzy he still was that he had to play that last comment over and over in his mind to try to figure out just what was wrong with it. It was a compliment, wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it? He was strong; he was trusted\u00e2\u20ac\u201dso why did it make him feel like he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been kicked in the gut?<\/p>\n Strong. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel<\/em> strong, he felt beaten and bloodied and broken. He hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t felt strong last night, and he certainly hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t felt like being handed yet another new set of problems to deal with. And trusted? To handle Mulder? It shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have been his problem. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t<\/em> his problem\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit was Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mess, and he resented being left to deal with it. Especially that particular problem, when he still thought it was wrong for Krycek to be doing it in the first place. Especially that particular night, when he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just had an operation and he felt so bad and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d already been through so damn much.<\/p>\n So you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re strong. So you have to go completely to pieces around here to get even a scant few minutes of kindness; otherwise we just dump more and more pain on you and trust you to handle it.<\/em><\/p>\n The tears were angry this time, and hurt, and he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t bother to try to stop them. One choking sob, and still he clung to Krycek as if he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t bear to let him go. His head pounded and the bitter tears burned his eyes and he still<\/em> couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t speak.<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand tightened around him for just an instant. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, no, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not what I meant.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The irony was gone from his voice again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a problem last night, he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need handling, not that way. If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d left him to work through it by himself, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have been fine by the time I got home anyway. You showed him a different path, and it didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t surprise me that you chose to do it, but it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t your job to do it, I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t expect it of you like I was assigning chores. When I talk about handling him, I mean in good moods as well as bad. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a dangerous man, dangerous no matter how much he cares for whoever he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s with. It takes strength and intelligence and focus to make sure he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not a danger to himself or to others, and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s as true when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re bottoming for him as when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re topping him. Maybe with a lot of teaching and patience he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll learn enough control for himself so that he can top for somebody who isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t able to give him control and still monitor what he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s doing, keep him steady. But he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not there now, and he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be there now even in the best of his moods.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what I meant. I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t trust him to you if I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know you could do it. I thought you might want him last night, and I thought you might want him as your top, to help change the pain for you. But I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean for you to have to help see him through a problem, that was never the idea.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice stopped again, and Alex felt his hand squeeze his shoulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Look,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t quite the soothing tone any more, but there was no laughter in it, either, and no distance. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know this isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t something that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to be fun for you to talk about now, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not going to force the conversation on you. But I think there are a couple of things I should tell you now anyway. Just don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think that because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m saying them you have to do anything about them, or even answer me. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to push you.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But Alex, I also don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to hurt you. I said you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re sort of family, and I meant it: I care about my family, and I do my best to take care of them. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re hurting, and this situation has to hurt, and I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t change that, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to make it worse. You care about your universe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Mulder; under the circumstances, you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help caring at least a little about my Mulder. If our positions were reversed, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be in the same kind of position. If I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d come to in your universe, and met you and your Mulder, and I saw somebody messing with him, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be uncomfortable with it, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d most likely try to interfere.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So you need to know: I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not glossing over anything when I tell you Mulder would have been fine last night once he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d had time to work his emotions through. What I do to Mulder is not done without thought. What Mulder gets from me isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just the cheerful rough treatment you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re used to: it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s real cruelty, and I know it as well as you do. Yes, I enjoy it, or I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do it. But I do it to Mulder because it is what he wants and needs. It makes him feel safe and protected and loved. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need to worry about what I do to him, Alex. What he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s getting, underneath it all, is pretty much what you want him to have.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Alex tried vainly to wrap his muddled mind around Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s words. There was so much going on\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe felt as though his thoughts were hopping madly around and escaping, like thousands of tiny frogs leaping off every which way, flying through his fingers, popping off in all directions just as he was about to put his hand over them. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been tucking things away, or trying to, to think about later ever since Krycek had started talking to him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthings that were important, that needed to be considered and mulled over and talked about, but he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sure any of it would be there when he finally decided to go look for it, and so much else was whizzing right by him, and couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t Krycek just stick to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153there, there\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or maybe even particle physics for five minutes while Alex tried to round up some of those little frogs?<\/p>\n And that absolutely required a giggle: a short, coughing giggle that interrupted a teary breath and very nearly turned right back into a sob of pain. He wondered if he might be ready for that aspirin yet, or at least the rest of his coffee? But that would mean moving, and one thing he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ready for was letting go of Krycek, not even a little bit, not for one second. But he could shift a little, enough to rest his cheek in the hollow of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder, and that eased the throbbing in his face enough to let him unclench his teeth and start breathing normally again.<\/p>\n One of those little frogs was definitely \u00e2\u20ac\u0153you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re sort of family\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit was one of the things he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d tucked away the first time Krycek had said it, and here it was again, along with \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I care about my family,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d which meant he at least sort of cared about Alex. That was enough to bring back some of that nice warm feeling, and made him think that maybe talking about some of these things wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be absolute disaster, and might even help a little.<\/p>\n If he could manage to get a whole sentence out. He cleared his throat experimentally, and there was a strange wheezing note to it, and enough motion to hurt, but not so much that couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t handle it. So the physical apparatus seemed to work, anyway, although it was clear that Krycek was going to be doing most of the talking, but that didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to be a problem, and Krycek was clearly getting enough information from Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mind or his physical reactions or both so that he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really need Alex to say much.<\/p>\n So the next thing was to actually say something. Start with the simplest, most basic question, and see where they went from there.<\/p>\n But he still almost couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get the words out. A shiver of fear ran through him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dfear that he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ready, that Krycek would tell him things that would hurt, that they would reach a dead end and he would be lost and Krycek wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be able to help him. Firmly, he put the fear aside, and held Krycek tight, took a deep breath and asked,<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you love him?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek shifted a little, and the arm that had been wrapped around his shoulders came up to support some of his weight. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been reading A Fish Dinner in Memison<\/em>,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said slowly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Or trying to: with the shape you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re in, it would be a wonder if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve gotten past the first page\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be interesting to see what you make of it, if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re here long enough to actually finish it. \u00e2\u20ac\u201dNo, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not changing the subject. Where Mulder is concerned, I find that I rather agree with the heroine of that book, as she appears in her black dress. That is, that it were best that he never know the answer to that question. For which excellent reason, I shall (with your leave) keep it a secret. Even from you, sweet brother.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex recognized the odd cadence: Krycek was right, he still hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t read two pages of the book, but that was enough for him to know the distinctive style. Artificial as the tone was, there was still no mockery in it: Krycek seemed to mean what he was saying. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I care about him enough to take good care of him. I know that wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be enough for you to know in his place, but that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s as much as Mulder should know. Too much for him, almost.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek stretched a little under him. His hand left Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s temple, reached, came back with the coffee. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If you want it,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek told him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nasty cold, I always half-think I ought to be able to warm it up by looking at it or something, but somehow it never works.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex took the coffee, even though it meant unwrapping his arm from Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side, and lifting his head just enough to get the mug to his mouth. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind cold coffee,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said, after two sips, which seemed to be all his stomach wanted for the moment. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We used to drink that godawful Bureau coffee. Late at night, after it had been sitting in the urns for hours. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be out of cream by then, and all that would be left was that fake powdered stuff. And we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d get talking and the coffee would sit and get cold and we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d drink it anyway, we hardly noticed.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind cold coffee.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n No, it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the answer he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been hoping for, or even the answer he was expecting, but he could hardly say it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a fair answer. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t his business, after all, and he had no right to expect Krycek to discuss his private feelings with him. Krycek could have turned it right around and asked Alex the same question about his own Mulder, and Alex would have found a way to decline to answer. Even though, in Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s case, it was patently obvious how he felt, and perhaps it was foolish and pointless of him to refuse to say it out loud.<\/p>\n And that, he supposed, was part of his answer. And the rest was this: Krycek considered what was best for Mulder, and framed his response from those concerns. If it was enough for Mulder, it would have to be enough for Alex.<\/p>\n And me? Do you love me?<\/em> But he certainly wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ask that, and he sincerely hoped Krycek hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t heard that thought. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sort of family\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I care about my family\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat would be enough for Alex, at least for now. It would have to be enough, and hope to god he never needed more, because he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t likely to get it.<\/p>\n Suddenly, he was ready to cry again. He swallowed hard, thrust the coffee mug back into Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand, and tucked his arm once again around Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to fall in love with you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said at once. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That is why I am doing everything in my power to see that it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t happen.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He put the coffee down. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It is why I keep reminding you that you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t belong to me, so that we don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t both fall into roles that make it too easy for that to happen without our noticing it. The role-playing might be a comforting thing for you to be able to fall back on; and it would certainly give me nice clear guidelines about how to treat you: we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d understand each other better if we could do it that way, maybe. But it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s too risky.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He was quiet a moment, and Alex could hear the wheels turning in his mind. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It has always seemed to me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said at last, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153that there was a very clear distinction between romantic relationships and what you might call friendships that included sex. Both of them can be good, and I like to have both kinds of relationship in my life. When I can get them. As I said to Mulder a long time ago, sex is easy to come by in this world. But passion is rare.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 Sometimes one thing can turn into the other. And there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s something between the two of us, something based on our identity, seems likely: even if we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re careful, we may be running more of a risk than most people would. But still, it seems to me that we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got a good chance of keeping this relationship safe for you. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not the perfect lover for you: you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not going to fall because I conform too closely to a pattern in your mind.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s why I treat you the way I do\u00e2\u20ac\u201das a colleague and a friend, even in bed. Especially in bed. And I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m as honest with you as I can be, like a stage magician making sure you see where his hands are so you know he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not palming an ace in a private card game. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s easy for me to give people what they seem to want from me\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou know the tricks, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s something we have in common. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m trying to look out for you, though. Because what you want on a moment-to-moment basis isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t what you really want. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got enough to deal with right now, you shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to worry about my giving you a set of responses that might make you fall in love with me, because your signals are mixed and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m on autopilot.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The pause was longer this time. Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands were still, and his thoughts were impenetrable, like deep water. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We can think about it all again if it turns out that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re trapped in this universe,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said finally. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know why I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m so sure you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not, I have no rational basis for it. But certainly, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want emotional commitments here if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not staying. If it turns out you are\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwell, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a whole world out there. Mulder and I aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t necessarily the only people in this universe for you, if it should come to that. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d owe you a fair chance to see whether you really wanted us, either or both of us. What you think now shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be definitive: if there isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t some component of Stockholm Syndrome in what you feel right now, you wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be strong, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be superhuman.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Scrupulously fair. Scrupulously honest. Krycek would never take advantage of a misplaced attraction to get what he wanted. He would never whisper in your ear, I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be alone tonight. You understand,<\/em> or Just give me one more night.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/em> He wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t set you on fire with his need. He wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need you at all, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just think it over and calculate the odds and options and if the answer didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fall within his definition of acceptable risk, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just shake his head and walk away from it. Very sensible. Very logical.<\/p>\n And not at all what Alex wanted in a lover. He wanted to be needed. He wanted to be loved. He wanted a passion that would light up the sky. Which, of course, was why Alex didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to fall in love with Krycek, and why Krycek was completely right to want to prevent it. There wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a word he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d said that Alex could find fault with. Nothing at all.<\/p>\n If Alex were logical. If he were inclined or even capable of making those kinds of intellectual decisions about whom he was and wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to fall in love with.<\/p>\n Alex took a deep breath, placed a slow, careful kiss at the base of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s throat, then lifted himself up and rolled over onto his back to lie at Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side. He ached.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It seems so cold,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex said. He stared at the ceiling. Pretty fluffy white clouds. What had ever possessed Krycek to have his bedroom ceiling painted like a warm, fresh spring sky? Therapy for his tortured lovers, maybe. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right. I know that. Stockholm Syndrome. Being scared and wanting to go under. But that thing between us.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d God, he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t making any sense at all. Hard enough to talk about things like this, even when he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t exhausted and scrambled. And did he really want to convince Krycek that the link between them inevitably obliterated any distance they tried to maintain? Krycek would decide that they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just have to stop having sex altogether, and Alex couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t bear that, no matter what the risk. So forget it. Trust Krycek to know what was best.<\/p>\n Give him control. Let Krycek decide. But wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t that what Alex had been trying to do, and Krycek kept telling him no? God, it made his head ache. And maybe it had been a mistake to even try to think about this in his present condition. But the pain wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t go away and wait for him to be ready to deal with it, damn it. It was here and it hurt and not dealing with it didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make it any better. And Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cool logic didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help, either, even though it was all true and well-meant, it just made him feel lonely and cold. And Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s kindness made him want to fall in love, and that was no good either. There weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t any answers, no matter what he did, there was only pain, and he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t bear it, but there was nothing he could do, and nothing anyone could do.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It hurts,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said to the ceiling. He blinked and his eyelashes were wet. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It just hurts.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t explain anything, and it didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make any sense, but it was the only thing he could say.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course it hurts,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said gently. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How could it not?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek leaned back against the headboard, looking up at the ceiling. It was a long silence, this time. Alex caught a stray image in it: a friend had painted this ceiling, a dark-haired woman. He could see her lying on her back above him, on some kind of improvised scaffolding, one long leg and one lock of hair spilling down toward him. She was saying something about the Doges\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Palace in Venice, and laughing.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 Then the image was gone, fading like the remnants of a dream.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153 \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcSeems,\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said at last. He spoke softly, as though half to himself. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nay, I know not \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcseems.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d He was quiet again, but Alex could feel his attention coming back in, focusing; and when he spoke again, his words were for Alex. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel cold. Not from the inside. I wonder how different our thinking really is, underneath it all. You and I speak different languages, we analyze things in different symbol systems\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou analyze primarily through emotion, I analyze primarily through intellect, and when we try to explain what we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve come up with, you use the language of feeling and I use the language of ideas. But underneath it all\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhat\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really happening in our minds, I think, doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t happen in language. Whatever language we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re using, we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re translating, and something\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s always lost in that translation, because no language is as subtle and complex as the mind itself.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He stopped again, and seemed to shake himself. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m doing it again,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Any moment I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be going on about analogies and computers and brain architecture. My point was, maybe we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re having more translation problems than we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re having real disagreements. I think you can be close to someone without falling in love with them, and that not falling in love doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to mean being distant. Control can come from an absence of emotion, but that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not the only place it comes from.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek reached out to him then, ruffled his hair. His fingers felt cool and soft, like the wind on a summer morning. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You know that as well as I do, too. When you top, you need enough control for two people. And if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re with somebody you care about, you need even more control, because you want to make it as good an experience as possible for them: you need to think with them, feel with them, and still be able to step outside and see what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s happening as a whole, and shape it as it goes forward. That doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t negate feeling, though.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re in something of the same position, you and I. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not about running a cost\/benefit analysis and coming up with a quantifiable answer. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s about not making this situation any worse for you than it has to be because we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re both carried away by the heat of the moment. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like you were tied up and things were getting too heavy, and neither of us wanted to stop because it was feeling so good. It would still be my job to take us in some other direction, and not to leave you with facial scars or kidney damage or some damn thing just because it had seemed like fun in the heat of the moment. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s dangerous for you to fall in love with me, just like it would be dangerous for me to hit you in the kidneys, and so caring for you has to mean doing my best not to let it happen. Does that make any more sense?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex let out a ragged breath, and nodded, just a brief little nod to save his poor head from more pain. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said softly, and something seemed to unknot inside him, releasing a stream of warm tears from the corners of his eyes, dripping down the sides of his face and into the hair at his temples. They were welcome tears, though, and didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hurt\u00e2\u20ac\u201deven the pain in his sinuses remained a constant, bearable throb, no worse than it already was\u00e2\u20ac\u201dso he let them flow, and through them watched the ceiling go unfocused, and turn to a streaky swatch of impressionist blue.<\/p>\n Maybe it was only the very attractive image of being tied up under Krycek that he was finding so soothing. Maybe he was just too exhausted to think about it any longer, and he was responding once again only to the gentle tone and not to the words. It didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t matter. It felt good, and he was going to take it and not question it, at least not right now.<\/p>\n And now, at last, the pain in his body was starting to feel good to him again. He was suddenly aware of his nakedness, lying uncovered on his back in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s big bed, with Krycek next to him, fully clothed. It was a bottom\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pleasure, exposing his body to his master. And probably he shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be thinking about sex right now, but maybe a little sensual pleasure would be permissible.<\/p>\n He found Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing the knuckles and sucking on the ends of the fingers. With two of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fingers deep in his mouth, it occurred to him that, if the flesh were willing, he would have liked to crawl down between Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s legs and give him the best blow job he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d ever had. Remembering the sweet, silky taste of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock on his tongue brought a pleasant warmth to his groin. But not now. He was still far too tired and sick. And what was Krycek thinking of him, lying here crying, with Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand in his mouth, and Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s bruises on his body? Indulgence, was what he caught from Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mind. Amusement. Affection. And sympathy. It was nice, and maybe Krycek was right\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthey weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t so different after all, they just expressed themselves in different ways.<\/p>\n Alex released Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand and turned again to lie against Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body, arms encircling him and head pillowed on his shoulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Thanks,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he murmured, not really knowing what he was thanking him for. But again, it was a bottom\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pleasure to thank his master. Krycek didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t own him, but maybe he would still let Alex have some of the pleasures of subservience. Maybe he would tie Alex up. Maybe he would punish him, as Mulder had done.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Would you whip me sometime?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I might,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. Alex could hear the teasing grin in his voice. But it was an affectionate tease, and it felt good. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But not until you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve healed up a little. Right now, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got three square inches of skin where I could give you the ritual swat for being a demanding, insatiable little slut.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He leaned over a little and kissed the top of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s head.<\/p>\n Then he was serious again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153One more thing,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153This is just a suggestion, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know whether it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll help or not. But you know, I mean it about there being ways that we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re alike. I can see you going over and over what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s happened, what happened with your Mulder in your universe, what might happen when you get back there, what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s happening here, what the problems are likely to be if you find yourself here for good. I do the same thing with difficult problems: it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like a program in your brain that won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t shut off, just keeps running through the situation and all the variables over and over and over. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re doing it in terms of feelings, and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not the way I do it, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s still the same process. And I think it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a useful process, it can show you things and give you answers that you wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get otherwise.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s also a painful process for you right now, because the problems are inherently emotionally difficult and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re dealing with an overwhelming amount of material, two universes\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 worth. But you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really have two universes\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 worth of problems, when you think about it. Either you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re here for good, or you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not: the two can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t both be true. Schrodinger\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fable of the cat was a joke, after all\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthere\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no such thing as half a cat living and half a cat dead.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153As long as we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re operating under the assumption that you might be going home, maybe you could think of your presence here as oh, say, a time-out in a football game. It makes sense to work through the issues that belong to your universe: you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re here, and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got a relatively safe space and time in which to do it. If we have to change the assumptions later, then you can work through the set of problems that arises from being stuck here. But you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need answers to them both.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n His mouth brushed Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s head again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Enough. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re in no shape for endless theory-dumps. Do you think you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re ready for that aspirin?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex nodded into Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah. And maybe some of that flat ginger ale, too?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d One more affectionate kiss to the top of his head, and Krycek was moving away, gently, stroking Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm as he slid off the bed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be right back.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n There was a momentary urge to protest. Krycek shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be waiting on him. But it was just the stray impulse of a tired mind. He doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t own you,<\/em> Alex reminded himself. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re just two friends. No reason he can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t bring you aspirin when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re sick.<\/em> It hurt a little, but it felt good, too, in a scary sort of way, like running out into the middle of the field to face the biggest defensive line he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d ever seen.<\/p>\n He pushed himself carefully to a sitting position. Might as well take the opportunity for a bathroom break, if he could manage to get himself to his feet. He ached and throbbed and still felt a little queasy, but a few deep breaths cleared the worst of the cobwebs away, and he pushed himself up off the bed with only a momentary attack of dizziness.<\/p>\n In the bathroom, he carefully avoided looking at himself in the mirror. That was one horror he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need. The bandage across his nose and sinuses was beginning to come loose again, he could feel the edges of the adhesive tape curling up, but he ignored it. Maybe Mulder would change it for him again later; he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to deal with it. He relieved himself and washed his hands and felt that that was quite enough of an accomplishment.<\/p>\n He did attempt to twist around to look at the bruises on his backside, but craning his neck made him dizzy and sent shooting pains through his head, so he gave up on that idea. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to see it to know that he was black and blue, though\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d had enough rough treatment, from football and whippings and other such games, to know what bruises felt like. Mulder had worked him over thoroughly\u00e2\u20ac\u201dmuch more than he usually liked, in fact, but it had been a special case and he was content with it.<\/p>\n A whipping from Krycek, though\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat would be something else. His bruises tingled at the thought. I might,<\/em> Krycek had said, which meant he would\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit was a tease, and that was part of the game. Krycek didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t own him, but he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d play the game with him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t that better? Wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t that what Alex liked, anyway? Krycek wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just playing to please Alex, either\u00e2\u20ac\u201dAlex had heard the enjoyment in his voice when he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d talked of giving Alex a swat. And called him a slut, and oh, that had been good. Alex could almost work himself horny thinking about it, which would be a waste, since he doubted he even had the energy to jerk himself off.<\/p>\n Alex made his way back into the bedroom with a happy smile on his face. Exhausted, he crawled back into bed. All right, he was still a wreck. And there were still problems, lots of them. Problems that would have him crying in a minute if he stopped to think about them. So he just wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think about them, not today. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d managed to make a good start at working things out with Krycek, and reached a place where he felt good and comforted and cared for, and he was going to stop right here and go no further. For once, he was going to get through a whole day with no trauma. First, another hour or so of sleep. Then later, if he felt a little stronger, maybe he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d go out and sit with Krycek and Mulder. Cuddle with Mulder for a while, and reassure him that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d enjoyed last night\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s scene, and would be happy to bottom for him again. Get something to eat, if his stomach settled down enough. See if he could read a little of that book. And tomorrow, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d start worrying about it all again.<\/p>\n Krycek was back, with a glass of pale liquid and a bottle of pills. Once again, he settled in beside Alex, propping him up against his shoulder so he could take a couple of aspirin, washed down with flat ginger ale. The bubbleless soda was sweet and soothing, as was the strength of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm at his back. He sighed.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Feeling better?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said, in that quiet, intimate voice that spoke almost inside his own head.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He drifted pleasantly, almost asleep again.<\/p>\n Krycek interrupted his drift toward sleep. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Would you like me to stay?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The question was so unexpected that at first, Alex could make no sense of it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Huh?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said.<\/p>\n Krycek shrugged. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no trouble. I can work in here as easily as I can work out there.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He smiled at Alex. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like company when I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m feeling rotten, so I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think of it before. Stupid. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d learn.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex nodded. He would never have asked Krycek to stay with him, but of course it would be a comfort. Krycek would stay here, Alex would keep this warm, safe feeling, he would sleep and this time there would be no evil dreams.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If you really don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind. That would be nice.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I need the computer, is all. Back in a second.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n But Mulder,<\/em> Alex thought abruptly as the door closed behind Krycek. He forced the thought down. Krycek had made the offer, it had to be all right. Anyway, nothing would stop Mulder from joining them here, it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like Krycek was excluding him. And Krycek had said that he was working.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 It was all too complicated, and if he let himself think about it he was going to fret himself awake again.<\/p>\n The door opened again, and Krycek was there, carrying his notebook computer. Alex pushed the tangle from his mind, and let sleep take him.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n When he woke again, the light had shifted. Krycek was gone again\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut no, he was at the door, and now he was carrying a plate. Alex pushed himself up to a sitting position, wincing at the new weight on his bruised ass. He waited for his head and stomach to protest the movement, but there was only a brief wave of dizziness.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I thought you were waking up,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Think you could try to eat something?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n To his surprise, there was no roll of protest from his stomach at the thought. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Maybe,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. It came out sounding thick and dusty, but it was no longer a dreadful effort to speak.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. He settled onto the bed next to Alex. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Dry toast, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m afraid,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said, sitting next to Alex and offering him the plate. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Goes with flat ginger ale. If it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make you feel worse, we can see about real food.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Just looking at the plate made him want to start giggling again. It had to be hunger, he decided, going to his head and making him silly. But he might have known this would be Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s notion of dry toast: fat chunks of the kind of bread you got at yuppie bakeries, that looked like they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been roasted in an oven. No normal white bread for Big Brother, oh, no.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 It smelled good, though, and the heavy chewy texture felt good in his mouth.<\/p>\n He had finished the third piece of bread before the thought really penetrated: Krycek must have put aside his work a few minutes before Alex had woken, gone to the kitchen and made him this toast and brought it back to him. That felt wrong, even with their new understanding that was wrong. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Uh, thanks,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he told Krycek. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI mean, I was thinking of trying to get up\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d There was no good way of putting it. He stopped, feeling faintly ridiculous.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all right,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153My prerogative. If I want to feed you, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll feed you. Got it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n It was a game voice, but a gentle one. Alex felt himself relax at it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Got it,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he agreed. He leaned against the headboard, careful of his sore back. The soreness was a sudden sharp reminder of Mulder. Where was Mulder, anyway? Alex had half expected that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be here when he woke up again.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Out doing his job,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said, just as if Alex had spoken aloud. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Tracing abductees, finding out about implants. Today\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Tuesday, after all, and neither of us are on vacation.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He paused. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s another thing. He was going to try to convince Scully that she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be able to accomplish more back in D.C. than hanging around here. But God only knows whether he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll succeed: she gets suspicious when he looks too anxious to get her out of the way. And with good reason, when you consider their history. We can hope; but you should be warned. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a decent chance that she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll walk in here with him. And since it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s almost five, that could happen any time now.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Scully. He felt it like a kind of soft blow in his solar plexus, not painful, but enough to knock the breath out of him. For a moment he was perfectly still. Then the world settled in around him again. He was sitting up in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s bed, and his mouth was hanging half-open, and there was still a partially-chewed piece of bread in it. He felt himself flush a little and swallowed it hurriedly.<\/p>\n Scully. She and Mulder could walk in at any moment. Well, he should have expected that, shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he? There was no reason for him to assume that Krycek was going to be able to just bundle her back to Washington. There was no reason for Alex to even assume that he would want to. But he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wanted to think about Scully. Didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to think about her now, either. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to see her,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he told Krycek.<\/p>\n Krycek laughed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not half as much as Mulder doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want you to see her,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Or her to see you, to be accurate about it. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s doing his best. But we may not have a lot of choice about it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex said. He felt foggier than ever. Come on, Alex. Time to start thinking again. You knew this was too good to last, sooner or later ole Wile E. Coyote was going to walk in and hand you another bundle of dynamite sticks. So now he has. Nice big bundle, all neatly tied, with ACME EXPLOSIVES stencilled on each stick.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/em> He risked a glance at Krycek. Wile E. Coyote, sitting there looking at him with an absurd expression of innocence and interest. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why does Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he began, but the picture of Krycek was too much for him: his breath caught, and then he was giggling, bracing himself against the headboard and trying to hold his head still against the laughter.<\/p>\n Krycek was laughing with him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Because of last night,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he managed, through the laughter. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s petrified. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a doctor, remember? And you just had surgery\u00e2\u20ac\u201dminor surgery, but still surgery. If she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s here, she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to want to take a look at you, make sure you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re doing all right, check those incisions. Hell, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like her to do it, too, as a purely medical matter.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s also a forensic medicine specialist. If she gets a look at any of Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s handiwork from last night, she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to know you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get any of it falling down a flight of stairs last week. And poor Mulder won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even be able to blame it on me, or leave it an open question, because she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to give him that look, and raise her eyebrows just a little the way she does, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to turn scarlet. It is a scene that he is extremely anxious to avoid. And I\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwell. I am inclined to indulge him.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex continued to laugh for a moment. Then, as suddenly as the giggling started, it stopped again, choked off with a sob, and he was nearly in tears. He pressed his eyes shut and deep-breathed it away. God, he was a mess. He was one step away from hysterical; how was he going to deal with Scully? He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d say the wrong thing, and she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d figure out things she wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t supposed to know, and Krycek and Mulder would both hate him.<\/p>\n He opened his eyes and looked down at his chest. He ran his finger along the stripe, about four inches long, that crossed the side of his chest, just above his left nipple. It was his first from Mulder, and he liked it. He liked his bruises and his cuts; they were special to him. They were gifts from Mulder, on behalf of his own Mulder, scouring out his betrayal with finely crafted pain. They belonged to him, to him and Mulder, and nobody else. They were not Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s and especially not Scully\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s. They were his, and they gave him comfort and peace.<\/p>\n And now they were an embarrassment to Mulder. A silly sitcom device that had to be shoved in the closet or under the bed to keep the visiting innocent from seeing it.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t I just stay in here? And if she does come, tell her I want to be left alone? I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to mess things up, but my head\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all scrambled, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m afraid I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll say the wrong thing.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course you can stay in here, if you want,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And if she insists on seeing you anyway, you can pull the sheets up to your chin and refuse to have anything but your face examined. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not worried about what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to say to her, though. I have every confidence that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be all right\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou only let yourself turn into a wreck when it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s safe to do it, have you noticed that? No, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Mulder who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll give it away, if anyone does.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek lay back and stretched out to his full length, cat-like. When he spoke again it was low and thoughtful, addressed to the ceiling as much as to Alex. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s still sorting out how to feel about what happened last night. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need to tell you how much he liked it. But you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not a trick he left in some hotel room, and he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really prepared for what kind of shape you were going to be in today. He needs to think it through, and understand it, and understand himself; and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not going to help if he can see his partner looking at him and wondering just what the hell he thought he was doing, to do this to a guy who just had surgery.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek tipped his head back to look at Alex, and now he was grinning again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He knows she knows all about his videos. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s survived the embarrassment of having her find them in the office; I imagine he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d survive the embarrassment of knowing she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s getting a mental picture of him standing over you in nothing but leather chaps and a biker cap. But having her think he was genuinely abusing someone for the fun of it is something different.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex nodded. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I should talk to him.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It was another problem he was in no shape to deal with. But he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d made the decision to have sex with these people\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit was a way to help make the situation bearable, a way to handle his pain, but he had no right to use them without considering how it would affect them. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I should tell him it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He looked at Krycek. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know you can take care of him, but still, it was between him and me. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s my responsibility.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He rubbed his chest again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been so tired. I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do it before and now it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s too late. At least, too late to do it before Scully gets here, if she comes back with him.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He suddenly giggled. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder in a biker cap? And chaps? And a harness\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand mirror shades.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He giggled again, helplessly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s too skinny for a drawing by Tom of Finland.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The image of the bulging-muscled, leather-clad pencil sketch version of Mulder, standing tall and grim with a bull whip in his hand, retreated, leaving him giddy. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How about a simple dog collar and leather jockstrap?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The giggles faded. Alex groaned and shook his head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153God. Sudden mood changes are us.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t matter. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just stress.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek looked back to the ceiling for an instant, then grinned. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have to ask Mulder whether he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d rather be embarrassed at the thought of somebody picturing him in a leather jockstrap and collar than at the thought of somebody picturing him as a skinny Tom of Finland illustration. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not even going to guess.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Krycek stretched again and sat up, and turned to look Alex in the eye. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I could take care of him,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And I would, if you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel ready to deal with it. But it was between you and him. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s your right to deal with it, and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll probably be better that way anyway.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex nodded. It was good to know that Krycek understood that, knew that what had happened last night was important to Alex, and was ready to respect it. But that was another thing he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ready to think about yet. He shifted his weight onto his arms and maneuvered himself carefully back down onto his back. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Thanks,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he told Krycek. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay, I think maybe I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m ready to go back to sleep now.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do that,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Krycek said. He was already swinging to his feet, collecting his computer. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I shall sit outside the room like Cerberus at the gates of Hell, and make ineffectual menacing noises at people who try to come in. Sleep well.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Then he was gone.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Alex rolled over, plumped the pillow, and settled again into the cool sheets. Linen? He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to remember about that, they felt wonderful. Probably couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t afford them, though. If he ever had a bed of his own to buy sheets for again.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 Bad thought, Alex. For now, we go on the assumption that you will go home. Although your apartment will be re-rented by the time you get back, and your things will be in storage, or sold at auction. And Mulder will probably kill you on sight anyway, so that will be the end of it.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/em> Bad again. You will get home. You will work it out with Mulder. You will have an apartment of your own again, and you will buy linen sheets if you want to.<\/em> And paint the ceiling like a blue sky with clouds?<\/p>\n Alex giggled softly, deep in his throat. The day had been good, after all. It had been good to take a day off, to rest and sleep, to be soothed with gentleness and kindness, to finally talk with Krycek about some of his deepest fears and worries, and to be reassured that Krycek understood and would do his best to take care of him. A master like Krycek wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be so bad, if he ended up staying. Or Mulder. (Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fall in love.)<\/em> Anyway, he was going home to his own Mulder. His Mulder would take care of him. In his own way, and without the external trappings of the S\/M scene, perhaps, but that didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t matter. He loved Mulder, and love meant belonging, and that was enough.<\/p>\n So damn much to think about. It would be nice to put off that thinking until tomorrow, but the mind wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop. Like a program that just keeps running, Krycek had said. One of the first things Alex had seen that they had in common. So keep it focussed, and don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let it stray into areas that cause pain.<\/p>\n Starting at the beginning: You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re sort of family.<\/em> Just wrap himself up in that for a little while. Krycek had accepted Alex into his inner circle. He had identified him as someone to be protected and cared for. It didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean there were no circumstances under which Krycek might feel obliged to kill him, but it did mean he would go to the greatest lengths to avoid such circumstances. It meant that Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s happiness was important to Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u201dperhaps as important as Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s own. It meant that Krycek was an ally and a friend, someone to trust and not to fear.<\/p>\n Alex hugged the pillow and shed a few tears. They were tears of relief and ease from pain, and they felt good. Well, except for the pressure in his sinuses, so he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d better not indulge himself too much.<\/p>\n And Krycek had told him his tears were a sign of strength. It was the sort of thing he tried to tell himself in his more rational moments, and intellectually he understood it, but in his gut he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t quite accept it. It was good to hear it from someone else. Someone who was unquestionably strong. Someone he knew was telling him what he believed to be the truth. Someone who was family, whose opinion was important to him.<\/p>\n Family. Krycek had talked of families. And\u00e2\u20ac\u201dnot our biological father, our mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s second husband.<\/em> That was another of the things Alex had tucked away to think about later. Maybe it was something better left alone, though, especially if he was to concentrate on going home, and not what was going on in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s universe. But\u00e2\u20ac\u201din this universe, the Colonel was divorced, or\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 worse (and Alex couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even think the word in connection with his father), and his mother was happily remarried, to a college professor who walked the floor with a colicky baby (one of the sisters Alex had lost), and she worked in her garden and.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n This apartment. Something shifted, dizzily, and suddenly Alex saw his mother sweeping through this apartment, with swatches and drawings and pages ripped from magazines. And Alex found that he knew this apartment: it was no longer a strange and frightening place. It was his mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s personality here, wrapped up with Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s. Not the frightened, dispirited woman he knew in his universe, but his mother as she would have been, if she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been nurtured with love and care.<\/p>\n And he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d better stop thinking about that right away, or he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d break his heart. So what else had he tucked away for later consideration?<\/p>\n Krycek cared about Mulder. Perhaps loved him, although not in the way Alex loved\u00e2\u20ac\u201dno melodramatic, throw caution to the winds, flinging oneself at someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feet kind of love, but a more controlled, intellectual kind of affection. Yet it was no less fierce and passionate for all that. Alex had felt it, although Krycek wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say it. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d heard the smoke in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice when he spoke of his sweet Mulder, and experienced the intense rush of pleasure Krycek felt in him. And he knew that Mulder loved Krycek, and trusted him, and was willing to give him everything. Krycek said that Mulder would have been fine last night, once he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d worked things through. Alex supposed that was true, although it still made him angry that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been dumped into the situation and expected to handle it. And he still didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like the Scully situation, not one bit, if only because it involved a third person who was being kept in the dark about the true nature of what her relationship with Krycek was doing to Mulder.<\/p>\n But he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to think about Scully. So forget that train of thought. Krycek and Mulder loved each other (well, Alex was going to call it love, even if Krycek didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t), and their relationship was exactly what they both wanted. That ought to be able to help him to separate himself a little from it, and not let it hurt him so much. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t his business, anyway, and he knew if it were anyone else, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be able to shrug it off: it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s their relationship, not mine, let them deal with it. But it was Krycek and Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit was himself and the man he loved\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit was impossible for him not to feel it with them, the pain and the joy, and it tore him up inside\u00e2\u20ac\u201dboth because it struck some chord deep within him, some Krycek-chord, and made him ache to be part of it; and because it violated and hurt him and made him want it to stop. And he knew damn well he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t join them and he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop them. But maybe knowing that it came from love would help him to accept it.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n There was a tap on the door, and he flinched a little, then pulled the sheet up over his shoulders and sighed. The bedroom door opened and Krycek stepped in.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex, Scully is here. I think she should take a look at your surgery,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d was what he said out loud. Cover yourself up, she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s coming in,<\/em> was the subtext coming clearly through.<\/p>\n And if I screamed, loud enough for her to hear, that I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to be looked at, just leave me alone, would she go away?<\/em> But Alex sighed again, muttered \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in a voice too low for either of them to hear, and resigned himself to it.<\/p>\n He lay rigid, staring at the ceiling. He heard the door close, felt Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s presence withdraw, and heard her speak gently, from beside the big bed.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex, I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stay long, I know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re tired. I just want to take a look at your incisions, and make sure they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re healing all right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He continued to stare at the ceiling.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re upset with me, and you have every right to be. You came home last night from having an operation, and found me here insisting that you had to be a liar. It must have been very unpleasant for you. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you still think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a liar?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n There was a slight pause. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think that you believe that you are Alex Krycek.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Clever. But what did he expect? Mulder believed because he wanted to, but even Krycek had been hard to convince. And he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really angry with her for not believing his story\u00e2\u20ac\u201dfor god\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sake, he<\/em> wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t believe it if he weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t in the middle of it, living it. But he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell her the real reason he was angry, so this was all he had.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex, is there something else I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done to upset you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Finally, he forced himself to look at her. (Eyes wide with fear, gag around her mouth, peering from the trunk of her car with Duane Barry standing over her.)<\/em> But that was another Scully. Well, it had happened to this one, too, but here she was safe and sound and please, his own Scully would be safe one day too.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he managed to answer. His voice was a faint croak. He cleared his throat and tried again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just that\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthey told you, didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t they? They abducted me the day after they took you. I mean, my Scully, not you. For me, it all just happened. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hard for me to look at you and remember.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she interrupted softly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all right. I understand.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He lay there staring at her: warm blue eyes gentle and friendly, lush mouth curved in a sympathetic smile. She had freckles. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never noticed them before\u00e2\u20ac\u201dor perhaps his Scully didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have them. Was that possible, if they were genetically the same? Of course, this Scully just got more sun, or something. Anyway, here she was being kind to him, being Scully, not holding anything against him, apologizing to him for upsetting him, wanting only to help. And he did want the damned bandage changed, it was driving him crazy.<\/p>\n He nodded. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n She smiled and nodded back, and reached out a hand to stroke the edges of the bandage. Her touch was sure and gentle. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153A little less gauze and tape, I think. Who did this for you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d She bit her lip, trying not to smile. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153His heart was in the right place.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex giggled. As usual, it hurt his face, and turned into a wince.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sorry,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she murmured, as though she had actually hurt him. Then she sat on the bed beside him, and grew serious, and began to work the bandage free.<\/p>\n It had come partly loose already, and fortunately didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t require much pulling to get it off. Then she leaned over him, inspecting his face, touching him lightly with her fingers. Her studious frown had a moue of concern in it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a bit swollen around here,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she said, touching the area to the side of his nose. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And feels hot. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s infected, but it shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be this tender, twenty-four hours after the surgery.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He considered for a moment, then admitted, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been crying.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n She nodded calmly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I see. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to tell you that isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t good for your sinuses.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. It hurts. Makes me want to cry.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n She smiled, then said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been hard for you. Is there anything I can help you with?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Stop sleeping with Krycek,<\/em> was what he wanted to say. But of course he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think so. Things are really much better now. But maybe\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He stopped. Just let her change the bandage and get her out of here\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat would be the smart thing to do. There was no telling what traps he might walk into, if he let himself relax too much, and really started talking to her.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What is it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n On the other hand, there were things he could ask her that Krycek and Mulder wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know the answers to. Things that might help him get home, or at least help him understand what had happened a little better. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u201dif you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind talking about it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n She knew what he meant. She nodded solemnly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What would you like to know?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He swallowed. It was no easier for him than it was for her. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder said, you were gone three months.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t remember anything about the time you were gone.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n There was the slightest hesitation. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n So she did remember something. But she didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to talk about it. That was fine with Alex, he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to push. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153When you came back, did you have any sense of how long you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been gone? Did it feel like three months to you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n She pressed her lips together for a moment, and stared thoughtfully across the room as she spoke. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You have to understand, when I came back I was in the hospital in a coma. I nearly died.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop the slight gasp of pain that escaped him when he heard that.<\/p>\n Scully looked at him, dismayed, and shook her head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry. I thought they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d told you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It was hard, Mulder said. And you recovered fully. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say what from. I guess he thought I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just because it happened to me, doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean it will happen to your Scully. She may be just fine when she gets back.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Or she might not come back at all. But Alex didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say it, just nodded and attempted to go on with his question. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So. When you came back.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153When I came out of the coma, I had a sense of coming back from a long journey. When they told me I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been gone three months, I found it easy to believe. But I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know whether that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s from the coma, or from\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 whatever happened while I was gone.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He nodded. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay. Well, thanks for telling me about it, anyway.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you have any sense of how long you were gone?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He shrugged. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I thought I did. At first, I thought it had all just happened. They snatched me, they dumped me here. We thought the time lines were different, that was why Duane Barry was two years ago here, and just last week for me. But now I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not so sure. You were gone three months, and you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t remember any of it. It could be three months for me too. Or six months or two years or ten. I have no way of knowing, not unless I can get back to my own world.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n She shook her head sympathetically. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It must be terrible for you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind so much for myself. I mean, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m screwed in my own world anyway. My job is gone, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve already ruined things with Mulder. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Mulder I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m worried about. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s happening to him, it makes me crazy. The longer I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m gone, the harder it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to be to try to fix anything. Krycek told me about these files, Defense Department documents that you and Mulder found here, maybe I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be able to get them for my Mulder when I get home, and avoid whatever other horrible things happened here over them, that Krycek wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell me about. But if it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s already two years\u00e2\u20ac\u201dmaybe it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s already happened, maybe it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s too late, maybe there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nothing I can do for him\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n It took him a few moments to realize that Scully\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face was twisted in pain, and her eyes had gone far away. He stopped. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, Jesus, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n She forced herself back, and gave him a sad smile. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all right. Horrible things did happen, but they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re nothing to do with you. I think Krycek was right not to tell you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d She laid her hand on his shoulder, and squeezed it gently through the sheet. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I very much hope you do get home in time to help your Mulder find the files, and avoid all those horrible things. I hope that very much.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d She gave herself a little shake, and forced her smile to brighten. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And now, let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s get your face bandaged and let you rest.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n She reached over to the night table, where she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d laid out the gauze and tape and clean cloths, while Alex had lain staring at the ceiling. First, she cleaned his face gently with a warm, wet cloth. That felt good, and cool, and eased the itching that had been driving him crazy. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to put some antibiotic cream on the incisions, to help prevent them from getting infected. Have you been taking anything for the pain?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I had a couple of aspirin earlier today. The doctor gave me codeine, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like it, it makes me sick.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fine. Aspirin is better anyway, if your stomach can handle it. It will help bring the swelling down.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d She dabbed some cream on the tiny cuts, and that felt good, too, cool and soothing. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d give you antibiotics, just as a precaution, but they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just make you more tired. Rest will be better, I think. It was minor surgery, but it was still surgery, and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been under a terrible strain. It was a good idea for you to stay in bed all day. And it wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hurt to stay in bed tomorrow, too, if you feel like it. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel that you have to get up. Give yourself all the time you need.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Now she was cutting small squares of gauze. Her easy competence was reassuring, as she placed the squares on either side of his face and taped them down. It was a relief to have the big wad of gauze off his face (image: poor Mulder, staring at Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s battered face, guilty and worried, uncertain yet awkwardly gentle, suffering from the usual male misconception that if a little bandage was good, a big one was better). The smaller bandages were soft and comfortable. He closed his eyes and let himself relax into the feeling.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I want you to avoid dairy products,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Scully was saying, and Alex smiled, eyes still closed.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No ice cream?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n She laughed softly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No ice cream. No very cold foods at all, in fact. Hot tea would be good. Bread. Soup. All the basic, boring foods. For a couple of days, at least, until the swelling comes down. And lots of rest.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, doctor,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he agreed.<\/p>\n Her hand stroked his temple. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll let you go now. Good night, Alex.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good night, Scully.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He still didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t open his eyes. He was floating, now, in a very pleasant place, and he just wanted to drift here for a while. He felt her get up from the bed, and moments later heard the door open and then click shut.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Alex let himself drift for a while, just enjoying the cool sheets, the soft mattress, the fresh bandages on his face. But he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t drift back to sleep. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d had enough sleep, finally, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be better off getting up for a couple of hours, or he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sleep that night.<\/p>\n So he sat up, slowly, and pushed himself to his feet. Not bad. A slight dizziness; a throbbing pressure in his temples\u00e2\u20ac\u201dnot quite a headache, but no point letting it turn into one. The aspirin bottle was still on the night table, so he took a couple of pills and went into the bathroom to get a glass of water to swallow them with. He ventured a look at his face in the bathroom mirror. It was swollen, and there were purplish bruises under his eyes. He turned and peered over his shoulder at his back. The bruises were starting to discolor, purple and green and brown. They extended from his neck to the middle of his back, then resumed over his buttocks, and down his thighs halfway to his knees. He gave himself an experimental slap on the butt, and nearly jumped into the sink. No, not at all ready yet for that swat from Krycek. Maybe tomorrow. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d still be sore, but sometimes a light spanking over a day-old whipping could be very nice. Not that he expected to get one\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe doubted either Krycek or Mulder would let him have any more physical punishment until his bruises had faded away.<\/p>\n And that was probably a good thing. It would give him time to think about everything that had happened, and try to sort it out. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been so afraid and so desperate, he could hardly think about anything else. Now, finally, with some of the worst of his fears relieved, perhaps he could settle down enough to really think about his situation.<\/p>\n Tomorrow. Today was still his day off, and he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to think about anything, except soft sheets and safety.<\/p>\n He wandered back out into the bedroom, wondering what he could find to amuse himself with for a few hours. If it had been just Mulder and Krycek in the other room, he would probably have put on a robe and gone out to sit with them, curling up with his head in any available lap, to lie quietly and just enjoy their presence. But with Scully there, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to get dressed, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to sit up, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to pretend to be following whatever conversation was going on. Most likely they were talking about him and his problem. Good for them, let them talk\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe hoped they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d figure out a way to get him home while they were at it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have the energy to worry about it tonight.<\/p>\n He stopped for a moment, by the chair next to the bed, and stood with his eyes closed, seeking the connection with his brother. And there it was\u00e2\u20ac\u201dalmost frighteningly easy. It was just a feeling at first\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe unmistakable feel of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mind: detached, amused, yet intensely interested in what was going on; the impression of a vast clockwork, ticking away with inexorable rhythm. Alex felt a smile on his own lips, and he stood there, letting it wash over him. Gradually, other details slipped into his awareness: the easy chair in which Krycek sat, leaning back, legs crossed, one elbow on the arm of the chair while his hand emphasized a point. Then he saw Mulder and Scully sitting on the couch, Scully at the closer end, and Mulder half-turned towards her, leaning forward, his eyes glowing with the lure of the unknown. In a moment, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have their conversation, too, if he tried\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want it. He blinked, and let the visual details fade, clinging only to the feel of Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s presence, letting it settle comfortably around his mind. Then he continued his prowl around the room.<\/p>\n He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never really had the opportunity to explore the huge bedroom. He paused by the chest of drawers. Would Krycek be angry if he nosed about? He pulled open the drawer from which Krycek had taken the shorts he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d given Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u201donly a few days ago, but it seemed like ages. There he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d stood, horribly naked at the end of the bed, and learned a few lessons about telling the truth and asking for what he needed. Alex ran his fingers lightly over the piles of shorts and socks. Then, embarrassed, he closed the drawer and went back to the bed.<\/p>\n He still had a few chunks of bread and half a mug of coffee left, so he sat and finished them. He could have eaten more, but he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel like going out to the kitchen. He pulled open the drawer of the night table, to find the expected boxes of condoms and tubes of lubricant. Alex chuckled to notice that Krycek used the same brands he did. No other toys kept handy, not even a dildo. Alex closed the drawer, sighing. There was that case of toys in the closet\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe still hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really gone through it. But he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel quite adventurous enough to go into Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s closet. If Mulder had put them away. He had, hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he? Maybe while Alex was asleep, he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really remember.<\/p>\n And where were his implants? He put down a moment of panic. They were here somewhere\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthey had to be. Last he remembered, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been in his jacket pocket. And his jacket was\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 still in the small bedroom, probably, unless Mulder or Krycek had brought it in here. Or maybe Mulder had taken the implants with him this afternoon, when he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d gone out. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d want to have them analyzed. Maybe the implants would have the answers.<\/p>\n Alex shivered a little, and touched the bandages on his face. Some questions there would never be answers for. Why had the aliens brought him here? What was he doing in this mirror world? Was there any purpose to it at all? Maybe the aliens had just dropped him off wherever they happened to be when they were through with him. Maybe Cancerman had told them to keep him out of the way, and this was their idea of keeping someone out of the way. (Did Cancerman know where he was? Did the top echelons of the Consortium go universe-hopping on their vacations?) How many others had been returned to the wrong universe? If the universes were a close match, and one didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t run into one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s doppelganger, would you ever really know? Was this the same Scully, for example, that had been taken from this world? For all they knew, she could be his Scully. Maybe each universe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s abductees ended up one universe over. Maybe some other universe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Krycek was with his Mulder right now.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n And that was the sort of speculation that could give a person a nervous breakdown.<\/p>\n But if it was true that every decision point resulted in another split and another universe, then there was at least one universe where he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been abducted. There was one where he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d screwed up his courage and told Mulder the truth, that last night in Montana. (And one where Mulder had forgiven him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand one where his anger had turned to hate and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d kicked Alex right out the door.) One where he and Mulder had fought together to save Scully (and one where the three of them had died together). There was one where he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d find a way home (and one where he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never get home). One where he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be greeted by Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s gun down his throat. One where he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be cut down by Cancerman\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s goons before he even reached Mulder. One where Mulder would tell him coldly, I forgive you. But I can never trust you again. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want you in my life.<\/em><\/p>\n But there would be one\u00e2\u20ac\u201dat least one\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhere Mulder would listen to him. Angry and heartbroken, but still torn by the remnants of the brief joy they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d had, Mulder would allow him to make his apologies and pleas for forgiveness. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d let Alex give him the Defense Department documents, as proof of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s love. And eventually his heart would melt, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d take Alex back into his arms and into his bed, and his tenderness would be Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s punishment, as it had always been.<\/p>\n At least one universe for them. And maybe hundreds, thousands, infinities of universes. Maybe, somehow, it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t completely random, and certain time streams had stronger currents than others. Maybe the Mulders and Kryceks of the multiverses were meant to be together, despite the different twists and turns their lives took, and somehow they would all find their way to each other. Certainly, the Mulder and Krycek of this universe had taken quite a different path, and they were together.<\/p>\n Anyway, Alex would take his comfort from this: in some universe or other, he and his Mulder would be together again.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n He took a long, hot bath, which helped ease the soreness out of his body. It was a bit awkward, but he managed to wash his hair and shave without disturbing the bandages. Afterwards, he lay sprawled on the bed, arms and legs outflung, enjoying the feel of the cool air on his still-damp naked body. The bath had softened his whip cuts and made them feel better, too. There were only three or four that had broken the skin to any degree, and they were healing nicely.<\/p>\n He checked his Krycek-connection and found that the conversation in the living room was still going strong. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be hours yet. He wanted something to read. His book\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe one he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been reading (or trying to)\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwas out in the living room. He supposed he could put on a robe and go out and get it, as long as he made sure his cuts and bruises were all covered up, but he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really want to. There was a pile of magazines and books over by the small sofa and chairs, though. Maybe he could find something there.<\/p>\n Chaucer. He picked up the book and leafed through it, shaking his head. He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t pronounce half of it, much less understand what it meant. Definitely not light reading. There was a stack of computer printouts and photocopies\u00e2\u20ac\u201darticles about UFO sightings, abductions, quantum nonlocality theory.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 He supposed he should be reading these\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut that felt too much like work. He just wanted something to keep his mind occupied for a little while. There were magazines\u00e2\u20ac\u201da whole spectrum of political publications, mathematics journals, news magazines, science journals. He shook his head as he leafed through them. Then he smiled. It seemed he and Krycek had at least one reading taste in common. He picked up the copy of Scientific American<\/em> and took it over to the bed.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Alex had read over half of the Scientific American<\/em> when his Krycek-presence caught his attention. He lowered the magazine, head cocked. Scully had gone. Krycek was working. And Mulder?<\/p>\n There was a tap at the door, and Mulder peered in. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex? Do you feel like some company?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex held out his arms as Mulder came over to the bed, and pulled him into an embrace. There were things they needed to talk about, but he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want Mulder to think he was at all displeased with him. And besides, he wanted a hug. Why make excuses?<\/p>\n He wanted a kiss, too. He leaned forward, smiling, and laid his mouth on Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s. The aching familiarity of those full, bowed lips sent delicate little prickles of pain and arousal through him. Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwould it hurt any more to take this pleasure than to deny himself? Alex was never one to back away from sensation. He pulled Mulder closer and opened his mouth, letting his tongue taste those adored lips, teasing past to Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s teeth and tongue.<\/p>\n Mulder hesitated, but only for a moment, then his arms wrapped around Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sore back and his tongue eagerly responded. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t kiss him without permission,<\/em> Mulder had said\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand how often did Krycek give him permission? Krycek was strict with Mulder; denial was a large part of his training\u00e2\u20ac\u201ddid he deny him this, too? Foolish if he did, Alex couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help thinking. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be denying himself as well, and why deny himself this pleasure? Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth was made to be kissed. Well, this Alex Krycek wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t deny him. Wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t deny him anything.<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arms tightened on Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s bruises. The pain was hard and good, and Alex wanted it, but he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help gasping a little when Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fist dug into the soft spot under his shoulder blade.<\/p>\n Mulder pulled away immediately, a look of dismay on his face. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Then he took Alex by the shoulders and peered over his back to see the discolored bruises there. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153God, Alex, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry. I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex smiled at him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay, Mulder. You haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seen the full effect yet\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwait, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll show you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He pulled himself gently out of Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s grasp, still smiling to show him that it was all right, then threw the covers off and lay on his stomach, elbows and legs slightly spread so that Mulder could inspect his handiwork.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, god.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said, in a voice barely above a whisper. He touched Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s back and shoulders, gently stroked the sore buttocks and thighs. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 it would be like this.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex reached out to touch Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s knee. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How could you know? You never whipped anybody before, did you? I was your first.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like this when you whipped me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. But then I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t beat you as hard as I could for as long as my arm would hold out.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder flinched from that. Alex waited calmly for just a moment to let it sink in. No sugar-coating it; Mulder had<\/em> beaten him. The point wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t to make Mulder think that the whipping was any less than it was, but to make him understand that Alex had wanted it, and that it was all right. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder, look,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he went on, before Mulder had a chance to start apologizing again, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like anything else\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t start out an expert, you learn as you go. Now you know what happens when you hit somebody that hard. And maybe I shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have pushed you to do it when you were that inexperienced. But it was what I wanted at the time. And I thought it was what you wanted, too. I asked<\/em> you to do it, Mulder, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got nothing to apologize for.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ask me to beat you black and blue.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes were bright, his quick mind was at work, but he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ready to give up his guilt just yet.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder, I set up the scene. I knew you were angry and upset, and I offered you a way to turn that on me, and use it to punish me. I dared you to do your worst. \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcNo limits and no mercy,\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 I said. I knew what was likely to happen.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153In other words, you were just using me for your own perverted desires, huh?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder was grinning as he said it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I guess that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all right, then. You were using me, and I was using you, and we both got a fair deal.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The grin abruptly faded. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, maybe not. I was<\/em> using you, Alex. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel good about that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex sighed. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t getting through to Mulder at all, and he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even understand what was wrong. How could Mulder think he was using Alex, when he was just giving Alex what he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d asked for? He thought about it while he pulled himself up to sit at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side. But that made his butt hurt, and now the pain was a trouble, since Mulder wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t enjoy it with him. Perhaps he was pushing, demanding too much\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand perhaps that was part of the problem: Mulder had never been taught to say no\u00e2\u20ac\u201dcertainly not to Krycek, and not to an importunate bottom, either. And not to himself, when he thought he was going too far. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t used to serving his own pleasure, and perhaps being in control had frightened him.<\/p>\n Well, whatever the problem was, it was Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s job to help him figure it out and deal with it. He turned on his side and wriggled himself under Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm, laying his head on Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry it makes you feel bad, Mulder. It was a pretty heavy scene. Maybe it was too much for your first time topping somebody. But if it was, it was my fault\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI set it up, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m the one who has experience with these kinds of scenes. I mean, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re experienced, but only from the bottom, and only in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s game. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve played both roles, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m used to setting up scenes from both sides, between people who haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t played together before.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He paused a moment to gather his thoughts. (And thought, not for the first time, how nice it was to be with people who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d allow you a thoughtful pause, and didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t jump in the moment you stopped talking and got you all confused and made you lose your train of thought. Once again, he thought it was probably Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s training\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhis own Mulder would keep at you until your head was spinning, and you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what to say except Yes, Mulder, anything you say, Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/em>) He slid his hand between the buttons of Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shirt, and stroked Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wanted you to top me. I was tired and miserable and my face hurt, and sometimes when I get like that I like it really rough. It helps me to let go, so I can just feel it all and get over it. I suppose I could have just told you that, and asked you to help me. But I thought it might be hard for you to figure out what to do. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re like me, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s more natural for you to be on the bottom, and you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have the experience to just switch it on and take over. I thought it would be easier for you if I gave you a story to use, let you feel like it was all right to be angry, to punish me in my Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s place. And I deliberately didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell you anything to do, or not to do, because I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want you worrying about how to please me\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI wanted you to please yourself. I knew it was a risk. But I thought\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI thought you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like it. It can be really incredible when you find your power\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like a switch turning on inside you, and it makes you feel strong and powerful and in control.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex chuckled softly. That was how Krycek felt all the time, he thought. Did he ever feel doubtful or insecure? Inadequate or unsure of himself?<\/p>\n Maybe not. But he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel the sweet, yielding joy of submission, either. Alex took a deep breath and brought himself back to Mulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But it can be really scary, too, to have that much power over someone else.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He smiled up at Mulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Especially when they go catatonic on you and spend the whole next day in bed.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He squeezed Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But I needed that, too. And it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just the whipping, Mulder, it was the operation and everything else, all the stress of everything that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s happened. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m glad it happened. I got some good rest and I got to be babied for a while, and I had a good talk with Krycek and I feel a whole lot better now. But it must have been pretty freaky for you. I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know that was going to happen, but I knew that the scene the way I set it up could be dangerous, for both of us. Maybe it was a mistake. But if it was, it was my mistake, not yours.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder squeezed his shoulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, you were right,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I would have tried to help if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d asked me, but I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have gotten it right for you. For either of us. Maybe I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know a lot about whips, but I know you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want me doing you a favor.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex felt Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s free hand on his chin, turning his head so that he looked Mulder in the eye: another gesture no doubt learned from Krycek. But there was no amusement or distance on Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You wanted a master, not a servant,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d said that rough silk voice. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d told me what you wanted, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have gotten the servant. And you were right to think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like it. I did like it. You know how much. If it was really what you wanted, then that part is all right. I just have some things to learn if I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m ever going to do it again, so I know the consequences of what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m doing before I do it, instead of the day after. You didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make a mistake, and I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel bad about it happening.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He stopped for an instant and frowned a little. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel bad about it like that, anyway. Not the way you mean.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n And there was Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s training again, in that careful qualification. His own Mulder would have told him he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel bad about it, and brushed the whole matter aside\u00e2\u20ac\u201dif he even let the conversation get that far. It was still terrifying to think about, this rigorous openness: how this Mulder found the strength to endure it was a mystery. But, Alex admitted to himself, it certainly made this sort of conversation easier. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Then how do you feel bad about it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he asked.<\/p>\n Mulder shook his head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153In a way, it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t matter,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We both got what we wanted, maybe that should be enough. But\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou were right, before. I was angry and upset, and I took it out on you. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you I was angry at. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what I mean about using you. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re mad at somebody you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hit, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t deal with it by beating the shit out of somebody who you can hit. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhell, you know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex nodded, and lay still for a moment, caressing Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s collarbone, and then lifting his hand to let his fingertips play across Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s throat. There was a little catch in Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s breath, and he let his head fall back. This was something that Krycek liked to do with him, Alex realized. And how could they avoid getting themselves tangled up in the images of each other\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lovers? Maybe it was less of a danger for Mulder, but there were still dangers, subtle and insidious. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I understand,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said slowly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a basic rule of the game, that you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t play in anger. If you have a fight with your lover, you work it out some other way, not in S\/M games.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It was a basic rule, but he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t followed it, had he? It hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even occurred to him that the scene as he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d set it up might be wrong. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not sure why I thought in this case it would be all right. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to have to think about that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t play in anger?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s supposed to be\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 the game is a ritual. You play a role, you use symbols to express things. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a way to deal with things that might be too heavy to deal with directly. You use symbols for anger, but not the real thing. I know that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not how you and Krycek play. You go right for the real stuff, no cover at all. Most people need that protection. I do, anyway.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He paused a moment, fingers working at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder. Was he making any sense at all? He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell. But Mulder was still listening. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Maybe I thought, this time I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d play it your way. I wanted your anger, Mulder. I wanted it for myself, to punish me for what I did to my Mulder. And I thought\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t play by those rules, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re used to using real emotions with Krycek, so I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think it would be a problem for you. And.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The whole truth? Alex found that he was trembling again. No, he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to talk about this. But how could he give Mulder any less than the same brutal honesty Mulder was giving him?<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder, I really, really don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to talk about this. But I guess I should tell you. This thing with Scully\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI hate it. I know it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not my business, I should just let it go, but damn it\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His fist was pounding, lightly but steadily into Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder. He forced it to stop. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I thought\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhell. I knew you weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to take it out on him. I wanted you to take it out on me. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry. Look, I guess the way you feel now is one of the reasons using real anger in a scene is against the rules.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be sorry,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said. He spoke quietly, but his voice was rough with emotion. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If you knew that going in, and that was really what you wanted from me, then it really is all right. That makes all the difference in the world.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He smiled a little. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be sorry anyway. It was my behavior that bothered me, and you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make me do what I did, all you did was give me an opportunity. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m responsible for having taken it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder paused. There was something in the cadence, though, something Alex was beginning to recognize. Mulder had something more to say, something that would come out if he waited for it. So he let his hand continue in its lazy circles on Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder, and waited. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And you shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be sorry about your feelings, either,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said finally. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re here, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re involved with both of us, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re affected by\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhat we do. You didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ask to be here, stuck in the middle. Maybe you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not entitled to the deciding vote, maybe it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s more my business than yours, but we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not the guys who live across the street. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got a right to your feelings about it. If you wanted me to take out my anger on him, or on you if I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do it with him, I think you had a right to want that, too. Whether I had a right to do it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwell, you knew, and you consented, so I had the right that far. Even if I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know it at the time. Whether I had it as far as Krycek was concerned was my risk to take.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Alex gripped Mulder tightly and buried his face in Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s neck\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhis sinuses pricked, but only with a reasonable and bearable amount of pain. His breath came in wavering gasps. Still shaky. Still right on the edge. It was only to be expected, though\u00e2\u20ac\u201donly a few hours ago he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d weeping on Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shirt. Now it was Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s turn. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t quite crying this time, although his eyes stung and his throat tightened. But he was close.<\/p>\n It was just such a huge, horrible relief to be able to talk to these people, and to know that it was all right. To be able to explain things, and have them understood\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit was amazing, really. He barely believed it. And this was Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201d<\/em>could it possibly mean that, with enough time and care and effort (and always assuming he managed to get home in the first place), he might be able to explain to his own Mulder, and have him understand, and forgive?<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he finally managed to say. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay then, isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it? We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re all right about last night?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re all right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice was soft and gentle, just the way his own Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice\u00e2\u20ac\u201doh, god, no, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t start that\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit was nice, anyway, the way Mulder was stroking his hair and holding him.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really good.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d And now he wanted another kiss. Alex pulled himself up so that he could reach Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth, and indulged himself in a long, deep, wet kiss (which somehow managed to remind him that he was still hungry, although he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel inclined to do anything about it). \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s good, Mulder. Thanks. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m glad we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re talking about this. I was worried\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and then he had to pause for a giggle. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I was worried about you. Not that you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t take care of yourself. But here I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been dumping all this stuff on you\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthings you aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t used to and haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t done before, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been too messed up to really talk to you about it. I know it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been hard on you having me here, in some ways, and I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to screw up your life, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m babbling, Mulder, why don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you tell me to shut up?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He pulled himself free and fell on his back at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side, still pressed tightly against Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s warmth, forearm resting against his head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Amazing I can be such a wreck and still feel so damn much better than I did a couple of days ago.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder shifted against him, a movement that was half a stretch and half a wriggle, fitting their bodies more closely together. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not amazed,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What would amaze me is if you felt a whole lot better, and you weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a wreck. In fact, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d think you were lying about feeling better.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n That teasing note was back in Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice. It made him smile, a smile that was almost a giggle. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why would you think that?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he asked.<\/p>\n Mulder pulled away, and for an instant the fear was almost back. But no: Mulder was reaching for the buttons of his shirt, doing his best to pull it off without breaking his contact with Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m supposed to be a psychologist, remember?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pretty basic. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been stressed right out to the edge, internal, emotional stresses and external danger. Take away the immediate external threat, provide a little emotional safety, and the first thing that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to happen, once your mind accepts the new situation, is that a whole lot of your defenses fall apart. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have the resources to do everything, and you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need the shell any more, so you redirect what resources there are to the internal problems. And for a while, you cry or put a fist through something every time you stub your toe.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He tossed the shirt toward the foot of the bed and settled back down against Alex. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a pattern I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d expect to see with a situation like yours. If there were any other situations like yours. If I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see it, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be wondering what you were lying about. Feeling better, or the situation.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex leaned over to stroke Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hard belly, and to place one delicate kiss on each of Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nipples. Then he brushed his cheek against the small patch of soft hair in the middle of Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest. Mulder quivered a little under Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s touch, and his hand tightened on the back of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s neck. Alex smiled to himself as he settled back along Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side. He loved Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest\u00e2\u20ac\u201dstrong and well formed, classically beautiful. His own Mulder had always wanted to lie behind him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand that was good, too, feeling Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest against his shoulder blades and Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lap cradling his bottom, and Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands on his chest and crotch\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut he would have liked to be able to lie like this with him, too, and worship his fine, elegant chest and belly. There just hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been time\u00e2\u20ac\u201dfour days were all they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d had: four wonderful, terrible days\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand he would need a lifetime, a hundred lifetimes, to praise and worship each aspect of Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body.<\/p>\n He took a deep breath, and sighed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah. I guess I knew that. But it was good to hear it, anyway.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand ruffled his hair. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So you were fishing.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex grinned into the hollow of Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah. Just smack me if I get too tedious. If you can find a spot.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Maybe the soles of your feet,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said, in a voice that was a soft, insinuating purr, at once teasing and gentle and hot. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t reach them from here, so I suppose I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll just have to indulge you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mm, that sounded very nice. Alex had to resist the urge to go find a whip (the riding crop, maybe, or a small scourge?) and offer his feet for Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pleasure. (Kneeling, bent over with his face to the floor or the mattress, so that his naked ass would jut exposed, just above the tender soles of his upturned feet.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6) Bad boy,<\/em> he admonished himself, smiling at his own private game. If it had been Krycek, perhaps he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have made the offer, just for the pleasure of being refused (and called a demanding slut\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe replayed the words in his mind, in Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice, wanting to hear them again). But Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201ddid he know how to play this game? He knew how to take a refusal from Krycek, that was clear enough. But did he ever ask for more than he really wanted, outrageous things, just because it was fun to beg, and to be refused? Probably not. Krycek and Mulder liked it to be real, and serious, and honest. Krycek probably didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t allow that kind of game. And if Mulder tried it, and Krycek agreed to whatever it was that Mulder asked, just to teach him a lesson, then Mulder would have to take it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbecause it was clear enough, as well, that Mulder wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say no to him.<\/p>\n That made Alex a little nervous, to be playing with someone who didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how to say no. And it would be dangerous for Mulder, if he ever decided to go and explore the leather bars and sex clubs on his own. He had to know his limits, and be prepared to stick to them, or he would get into trouble. Alex stroked Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s left nipple with his thumb\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe little nub was soft and sensitive, and had obviously never been trained to clamps or clothespins. So many of the ordinary accessories of the leather world were outside of his experience. And the average top\u00e2\u20ac\u201deven the most careful and caring of tops\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s experience was, would take him at his word if he said he wanted a heavy scene, that he had no limits, and Mulder could be in for far more than he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d bargained for.<\/p>\n And Alex wanted to know, for himself, that Mulder wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let him push him too far, or agree to everything just because Alex had asked for it. He wanted to know that if he set up a scene like last night\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, and Mulder felt uncomfortable with it, that he would refuse, and not go through with it just for Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sake. It would be especially hard for Mulder to say no to him, since Alex was, after all, Krycek.<\/p>\n So the conversation wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t over, although they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d settled last night\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthere were still ground rules to be laid for the future, so these problems would be less likely to arise again.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s something else I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like to talk to you about.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d And Mulder shifted under him again, moving him gently to the side. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just a minute. Let me get comfortable.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder got up and finished undressing, laying his clothes over the easy chair near the bed. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a show this time; no exaggerated movements, no little flourishes, just casual and friendly and let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s-be-naked-together. Alex lay on his side, cheek propped up on his elbow, and watched him, feeling warm and good inside. It was\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand here he went again\u00e2\u20ac\u201dmore the way his own Mulder stripped: a simple, unselfconscious act, invested with no more significance than if he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been home alone getting ready for bed, and all the more charged for that, with the easy acceptance of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s presence.<\/p>\n He was half-erect\u00e2\u20ac\u201das Alex himself was\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand slightly pink in the face as he climbed back into bed, taking Alex in his arms and pulling the sheet up to cover them both. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s next on the agenda?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex sighed a little, tucking his body tightly against Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, luxuriating in the skin-to-skin contact. It was tempting to just forget any further heavy conversation, to lie here for a while and make out, and see if he had enough strength for it to lead to anything else. But no\u00e2\u20ac\u201dif he had the strength for fucking, he had the strength to talk about fucking, and Mulder deserved some time and attention to his needs, too.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay. You told me you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say no to him, and I think you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re really lucky to have someone who knows you so well, and cares about making it a really good experience for you, and is good enough that he can figure out what your limits are and doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t push you past them, so you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ever have to say no to him. But not everybody is that good. Not everybody is going to be able to read you that well, and play you right on the edge, like he does. If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to play with other people\u00e2\u20ac\u201dlike me, for instance\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou need to be able to say no to them. I need to know that if I ask you for something you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel comfortable with, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be able to tell me no.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice was very quiet, and caressed the words as he spoke. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have limits. Not with him.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex kissed Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s collarbone. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a pretty fantasy, Mulder, and I know it feels good to say it, but you do have limits.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. He could do anything, anything at all.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder. Sure you do. I suppose if he pissed in your mouth, and told you to swallow it, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d do it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alex!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s protest was half-amused, half-outraged; the sensual mood of his earlier comments dashed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Watersports. Not that uncommon, especially with the heavier players.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help grinning at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s discomfiture, but he wondered after all if he should have brought it up. Krycek had clearly been keeping him isolated from the less tasteful aspects of the scene, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been doing it for a reason. Perhaps he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t appreciate having his hothouse orchid exposed to the polluted outside air.<\/p>\n On the other hand, Mulder was a grown man, with a taste for porn and a long-standing interest in S\/M\u00e2\u20ac\u201dsurely he knew about these things, even if he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been doing them. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t pick up an issue of >em>Drummer or a copy of Mr. Benson<\/em> any time he wanted to.<\/p>\n And now Mulder was curious. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Have you ever\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 ?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex grimaced a little. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not really my thing, but when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re deep in it, and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got some guy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock down your throat, and he decides to use you for a toilet, sometimes you just go with it. \u00e2\u20ac\u201dBut that was a long time ago, in the old days. When I was first getting into the scene, and I was young and stupid and I thought taking it all was some kind of badge of honor.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He wriggled a little, and settled himself tighter against Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Point taken,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153When you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a kid, you have no idea of where macho stops and stupidity starts. You grow up a little, you learn better. You hope. And you stop doing shit to prove something to yourself.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder paused, and then the heat was back in his voice. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not a fantasy, not having limits with him. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d do. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even know what he could make me enjoy. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right, the idea of being his toilet does less than nothing for me, so it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lucky for me I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t imagine him wanting it. If he did, though\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder reached for Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand, covered it with his own and pressed it hard into his chest. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he repeated. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yesterday, you could have used the Scully thing as an example, and I would have agreed that I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t enjoy that. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think you could have convinced me that I could be made to like it. I was wrong. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what else he could make me enjoy, if he wanted it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He drew a long, shuddering breath. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how much it matters, either. If I like what he does, or all of what he does. If I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like it: well. How real is his power, if he can only make me do things I like?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex stroked Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest, under the hand that was holding his. He could feel Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s heart pounding, and the heat rising from his body. Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s passion was so beautiful\u00e2\u20ac\u201dAlex suddenly felt bad for wanting to spoil his belief in his perfect ownership. As long as he believed it, maybe it was real.<\/p>\n But he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d asked a question. Maybe it was rhetorical, but it deserved an answer, anyway. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How real does it have to be?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex spoke slowly, quietly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why are you here, Mulder? What hold does he have on you, except his ability to give you pleasure, and your joy in your submission? You weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sold on an auction block without your consent. There aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t any chains around your neck. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not going to put a bullet in the back of your head if you try to walk away.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (You weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t kidnapped by aliens and dropped in his lap and stripped and tied up and drugged and interrogated and.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6)<\/em> Suddenly, he was crying again. He tried to ignore the tears dripping into Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s neck. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re here because you want to be. And you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right, it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really matter. The point I was trying to make was\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and here he lifted his head and attempted a smile at Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201dan attempt that he immediately regretted. Pain stabbed through his face, and the smile was a dismal failure anyway. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Shit, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m getting Scully\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s bandages all soggy. Hand me that towel, will you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder gave him the towel from the night table (Krycek giving him a towel to cry into while he finished untying him.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6)<\/em>, and then he found that it was necessary to bury his face in it and sob for a few moments before he could go on. He cleared his throat and looked up at Mulder again, this time minus the smile. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The point I was trying to make was, there are a lot of guys out there who aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t Krycek.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d A small attempt at a smile\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthis time reasonably successful. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And even some of us who are can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do what he does. And I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d feel a whole lot better if I knew that you weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to let me make you do things you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like, just because you think you can be made to like anything.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder reached over and took the towel out of his hand. Then his arms were around Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulders again, protective and warm. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Feel better, then,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said in his ear. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not so hard, I can give you that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He held Alex close for a long moment. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the only one I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say no to. And you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not him, even if you sound just like him sometimes. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s always telling me it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not real, too. Even uses the same damn arguments.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t listen to him, either.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He found he could smile again, and easily. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t spoiling anything, then: Mulder was used to hearing some of this, and Krycek wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t trying to protect him from it.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said slowly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not convinced he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s completely right. All right, all that holds me is that I want to be here. But if I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t bear to walk out, and walking out\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s my only other option, how much difference does it make whether he could call the cops and have me brought back in chains if I tried it? Sure, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a balance. If I hated what was happening more than I wanted to be here, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d leave. There are a few things, things that involve other people, that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to say no to, no matter what it cost me. But there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a lot I might not want that he could do to me, before I reached that point. So it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s real that far, anyway. Extorted consent isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really consent.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder grinned. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153They teach you that in the Academy, remember?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wonder, though\u00e2\u20ac\u201dis walking out really your only option? Have you ever really tried to say no to anything that he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t talk you into wanting after all? Do you think he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d keep on with something, if he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t teach you to enjoy it? You say you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t bear to leave\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut do you want to leave?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The whole thing was making Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s head spin. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really sure of what he was trying to convince Mulder any more. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course he has to hurt you, and make you suffer. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s why it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s called S\/M. And sometimes it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hard, and it takes a while to work yourself around to accepting it. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s that acceptance that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s one of the great joys of what we do, as submissives, and the harder won it is the better it feels when you finally reach it. You say he makes you do it, and I say you make yourself do it. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not sure there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really a difference.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex remembered something Krycek had said to him earlier, about the difference being the language they were using to express themselves, and not the feelings beneath. Perhaps something like that was happening here. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153When I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just out for a weekend to get laid, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll negotiate a scene pretty closely. I just want my buttons pushed, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t particularly care if I never see the guy again\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not going to let him do any damn thing he wants. But if I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m with someone special, someone I really care about, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to say no to him any more than you do. I want to give him anything he wants, no matter what it is. If it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hard, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all the better. I want to endure everything for him, to show him how I feel.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201d<\/em> Alex swallowed back another sob. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say no to you, Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u201d<\/em> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know if that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s so different from the way you feel. But I like knowing I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m doing it because I want to.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He managed a grin. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I like being submissive. Nobody has to coerce me into it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder was frowning a little, the familiar frown Alex knew from all the late nights in the office, all those grueling working meals in Montana: the Mulder-thinking-it-out look. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It makes sense,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153From that perspective. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a kind of gift to your lover, a deepening of intimacy.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice trailed off, and the frown deepened. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s different for me. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not about showing him how I feel. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s about having what I want, or what I think I want, made irrelevant. Submission is only a way to express how you feel about someone if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re with somebody you care about. So the caring has to come first, doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it? Maybe that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s why it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not the same for me. When everything started\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhat he was doing to me just felt good. It was all about getting my buttons pushed. I never meant to care about him.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His eyes closed for a long moment. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That was not supposed to happen.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex shook his head, feeling more than a little helpless. The raw intensity in Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat was passion, but there was pain in it too, and fear, and more than a trace of anger. But if Mulder was telling him the truth, maybe being frightened and angry sharpened his pleasure, was right and necessary for him. It was hard, though: he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to think of Mulder, any Mulder, needing this kind of pain. He sucked in a long breath. This time, damn it, he was going to answer Mulder without crying.<\/p>\n But Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body relaxed a little against his. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s academic, though,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said, and now he was teasing and friendly again, the dreadful intensity gone. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s him, and everybody else, as they used to say on Saturday Night Live<\/em>, isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. I like coercion as a fantasy. I like coercion from him, and I like to think it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s real, even if you and he both insist on telling me it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like it from anyone else, not in real life. Out in the real world, I think you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right: it would be the same for me as it is for you. That is, if I even liked it out in the big bad world. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know that: fantasies don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell you anything about real life.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex melted with relief again: peace and comfort after trouble and pain. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been up and down until his head was swimming. It was enough to make him dizzy, but happy, too, that he was with someone special, and they were working it out. It was, in fact, late nights, too much coffee, too little sleep, and Mulder. Alex pressed his lips against Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s skin, let his tongue come out and lap the faintly salty flesh, like a cat, tasting. Mulder shivered beneath him, and chuckled softly. Anger and pain and nonconsensual ownership: maybe Mulder needed these things. But the caress of a lover\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tongue, a kiss, fingertips filling the hollow at the base of the throat: he was capable of enjoying these things as well. Perhaps one day Krycek would teach him to need them, too.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Which came first, the chicken or the egg?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex mused. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you give him everything because you care about him, or did you learn to care about him because you gave him everything?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The tone was light and dreamy, obviously not seeking an answer. He paused to nibble on Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s collarbone. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wonder\u00e2\u20ac\u201dif all you wanted was to have your buttons pushed, why is it that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the only person in the world who could do it for you? In all this time, the only man you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve ever been with is Alex Krycek. And Alex Krycek.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He giggled, and slid on top of Mulder, taking Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face in his hands and giving him a sloppy kiss. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not trying to talk you into anything, Mulder, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just spinning tales. My Mulder used to say\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcStop thinking so hard, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll hurt yourself.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d He lay sprawled across Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body for a moment, thinking about the pleasant warmth in his groin, wondering if it could be kindled into heat. If it were his Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 Another kiss, this time a serious one, and Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arms tightened on his shoulders, and the sickly-sweet pain of his bruises bloomed. And he was almost gone, almost under, to the floating dark, the oblivion of lust. Almost. Then he gripped Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulders and buried his face in Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s neck.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I want him back.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His fingers dug into Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s flesh; his words were so hot they burned his throat. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not perfect and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not my dream lover and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not the only man I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve ever had. But he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the only one I ever want. If I had the chance I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d give him my life, everything\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t beat me hard enough to make that pain go away.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His kiss this time was desperate and savage. Mulder moaned under him and held him, letting Alex take him.<\/p>\n Not my Mulder.<\/em> Alex pulled his mouth free, and collapsed, gasping, letting himself slide again to Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side. Almost in reflex, he kissed Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder. His voice was quiet and bleak. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I want him back.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know you do,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And if I hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t known it before, I would have after last night.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His arm tightened for an instant around Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulders. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It has to be tough for you. Nobody can know the future. And as long as you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re stuck here, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even have the comfort of being able to take some kind of action, to try to work it out. \u00e2\u20ac\u201dLook, Alex, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not him, any more than you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re my Alex Krycek. As one version of a Mulder, though: I think you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got a good chance. Everything you let drop tells me that there was something between you guys, something that wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just your feelings. If he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like me at all, he won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to lose that, no matter how hurt and angry he might feel at first. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d root all that caring out of himself if he had to, but he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be looking for an excuse not to have to. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll want to forgive you. The hardest part may be that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll know how badly he wants to, and have a hard time letting himself make the decision he wants to make. I think you should know that. If he makes speeches about being able to trust you, you may just have to give him time. Because it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s likely that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not really talking about trusting you. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be talking about trusting himself.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He can take as long as he wants. He can make all the speeches he wants. As long as he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s talking, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll still be a chance.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex heaved a deep sigh. The brief storm was over\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthere just wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t enough strength left, even for this pain. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If I even get home to listen to his speeches. For all I know I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll never see him again. God, Mulder, how am I ever going to get home? \u00e2\u20ac\u201dDid you take my implants?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder stroked Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s temple. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worry, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be safe. We need to study them\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat bronze-colored one, especially. It may be the key to getting you home.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex took Mulder by the shoulders, pulling him over onto his side, so that they could lie face-to-face. He paused for a kiss, gentle and leisurely, his hand in Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hair. Through all the fear and pain, he was grateful for this\u00e2\u20ac\u201da Mulder to lie with. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sometimes I wonder if I should really be trying to get home. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve made a wreck of my life there. I walked out on my job, and Mulder will probably never forgive me. Why should I try to go back there? Things have been crazy here, but at least nobody hates me. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not my Mulder, but you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a pretty nice Mulder. And I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not your Krycek, but maybe you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got enough feelings to let a little slip over on me. And Krycek\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s scary enough, but I think he wants me to be okay. I like having a brother. Or whatever the hell it is you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d call him. Maybe it would be better to stay here.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder was thoughtful, fingers still moving gently through Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hair. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you really think so?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex shrugged. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No. I have to go home, if I can. I have to try to make things right. Even if my Mulder never wants to see me again, I have to do what I can to make up for all the mistakes I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve made. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s strange, though.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He slid his arms around Mulder and pulled him close, rubbing his bandaged cheek against Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If I do get home, then I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll never see you or Krycek again. Unless we can figure out a way to go back and forth at will, which doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem very likely. Hell, none of this is very likely, so who knows? But\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI wish I could have all three of you. You, and my Mulder, and Krycek. I wish you could meet him.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So do I. Do you think he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex giggled. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not to like? You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re him. I think you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re more like him than I am like my Evil Twin. There are differences, of course. I think he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like talking to you about it. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s so curious, he wants to know everything. Of course, you do too. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d probably wear your throats out on each other.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Among other things.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder grinned.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hmm. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know if I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d let him fuck you. Maybe I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll keep him all to myself.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not very charitable. I shared.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The tease was easy and comfortable, and Alex relaxed into it, hands on Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulders, fingers kneading softly. It was his Mulder; yet it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. It felt good, for a change, to enjoy his companion\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Mulder-ness, without pain. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I suppose you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right. But you have to let me watch.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He leaned in to nibble on Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lower lip. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You should teach him to give head. He tries, but frankly, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not very good.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Smiling, Mulder ran his tongue along Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lips. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And I am?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Slut. You know you are.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Am I a slut?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder took Alex by the shoulders, rolling him firmly onto his back, covering Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth and face with soft, teasing kisses.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Slut. Cocksucker. Bitch.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex let his voice go low and caressing, making endearments of the rough words. He felt the tremors in Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body at the insults.<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chuckle was a little breathless. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Bet you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t talk to him like that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The kisses were lower now, feathering over Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s collarbone and upper chest.<\/p>\n Alex laughed back. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You know I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. This one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just for you, Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Guess you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d better keep doing it, then. So I know I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not letting you get confused about which Mulder I am.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He slid lower, rubbing his face over Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not that it does anything for you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not just a slut, but a thoughtful slut.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I try,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said, between kisses. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And speaking of being thoughtful\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His tongue flicked lightly around Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s navel. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t teach him to give head, not by myself. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d need a model. Someone to demonstrate on. So I could show him something, and then he could try it, and I could be sure he was getting it right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder slid a little lower, and now his lips just grazed Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock, moving softly against the shaft as Mulder spoke. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want Krycek to do it, and anyway, he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have the patience. So it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have to be you, Alex.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Each word sent a little hot puff of breath playing along his cock. His own breath was beginning to feel ragged. Yes, he was strong enough for this.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a hardship,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he told Mulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But if you need me to do it, I guess I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have to manage.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll need to get some practice,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said, and now his voice was low and insinuating. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how long it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll take me, to really teach him anything.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His tongue ran slowly along the length of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to be any use as a model, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to have to be patient with us. Hold still and let us take our time.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hot breath fell on the head of his cock, and then Alex felt his lips there, leaving one soft kiss. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t forgotten which Mulder I am yet, right?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Silly question. The softness of Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lips deserved his full attention. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Shit,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he managed. It came out in a high squeak. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m beginning to forget who I<\/em> am.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let that happen,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are Alex Krycek; and you are the only man whose dick I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve ever sucked. I need you to concentrate.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The hot mouth slid down the length of his cock again. Then there were kisses, teasingly soft, against his scrotum; and then the soft lips parting, and one testicle suddenly engulfed in the satin mouth. Alex moaned at it. Somewhere at the edge of his attention, he felt his own left hand squeeze into a fist, and pound down into the mattress. His right hand was twined in Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hair. Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s head moved a little; releasing one testicle, drawing the other into his mouth for a matching hard suck.<\/p>\n Then the sac was released, and Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth was pressed against his cock once more. His balls still throbbed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You need to be able to give us directions,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said. Now Alex could feel his teeth, hard behind the soft moving lips. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can show him what to do, but you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re the only one who can tell him whether he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s getting it right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder opened his mouth wide against Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock, so that his teeth just grazed the tender flesh. There was an instant of pressure, released almost at once, and another teasing stroke along the full length of his cock, root to head and back again. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s how he taught me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder added. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153By making me do it over and over again, until I got it right, and hanging on through all the times when it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t exactly the way he wanted it, and being conscious enough to tell me exactly what wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t good enough.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He chuckled suddenly, and Alex shuddered with the momentary friction. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I was such a naive idiot. I wanted him to just fuck me down my throat, the way everybody does in the videos. It never occurred to me that I might not be able to do it, or that sucking cock would take practice.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d A moan, fading to a breathy whisper, ended by a sharp little gasp. God, now he wanted to discuss deep throat techniques? In the middle of a blow job? Alex squirmed, pressing his aching hips into the mattress, trying to thrust, gasping for breath. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he managed to whisper, before Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tongue encircled the base of his cock, lapping briefly like a cat. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d A desperate squeak. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Look, would you be\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 terribly offended if I told you to just shut up and do me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder paused, looking up at him, beautiful lips wet and shiny, a slightly sheepish grin on his face. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d sure know which Alex Krycek I was in bed with.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I just\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His cock burned. He wanted those lips wrapped around it. What little verbal ability he had left was fast fleeing. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not him. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just not up for this.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He giggled helplessly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m up<\/em> for it, obviously, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just not.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder was giggling, too. His hands stroked Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s flanks, thumbs outlining the hipbones. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I get it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex managed to choke back the fit of giggles before they turned to sobs. A couple of deep breaths brought him back to earth. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Shit, Mulder. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to tell you. You know how to do it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d But did he? He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d only ever learned how Krycek liked it. Krycek, who never lost control. Who had the presence of mind to lead Mulder through it, step by careful step, right up until he came. Hell, he was probably still talking then, telling Mulder just how to swallow it.<\/p>\n Alex took Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face in his hands, pulling up his knees to hug Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sides with his legs. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Let me tell you how this Alex Krycek likes it. At least, this time.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder smiled attentively and waited. Alex smiled back, then let his head fall back into the pillow, sighing. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I just want it simple this time. Simple and hard and wet. Maybe a little teeth. Squeeze my balls. Stick your fingers up my ass, I like that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth rested beneath Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock, his breath gently warming the shaft. Alex felt a tremor begin in his thigh. God, Mulder was going to kill him for sure.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t try to make it last all night. Okay? You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re incredible, Mulder, you could give me a heart attack. Just take it easy on me. Please.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want you to have a heart attack, it would make me feel deeply inadequate.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Then he was finally, blissfully silent, his mouth wrapped at last around Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock, moving at just the pace Alex wanted. Wet, yes, and just a hint of those hard teeth, maybe Krycek did like it like this sometimes, Mulder certainly wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t missing a beat\u00e2\u20ac\u201d<\/p>\n Mulder came up for air, gasping a little. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Dammit,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re enough like him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been tested, haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you? Do I really need the latex?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex said; and perceptible even through the physical need of the moment, there was a surge of another kind of pleasure: Mulder was ready to trust his word on this. Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth plunged down over his cock again, wet and soft and firm, and he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want the damned condom either, but he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d spoken too fast, hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t thought it out\u00e2\u20ac\u201d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mulder, wait,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he managed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The aliens. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how long\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe experiments\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s head came up again. His face was flushed, and he was breathing hard. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Ah, shit. Okay, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He started to move, but Alex twisted his hand in his hair, stopping him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can reach.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It was a stretch, but he managed it, fished around blind in the nighttable drawer until his fingers found the little foil package. The squirming had its own appeal, too; it wakened all his bruises, kindled them into a deep throbbing that was almost as good as the throbbing in his cock. He tossed the condom to Mulder, and Mulder caught it one-handed, tore it open with his teeth, his right hand never moving from its place at the base of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Thanks,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder told him, from between his teeth. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay. No more interruptions.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Alex moaned and let his legs fall apart, opening himself for Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s attentions. And realized that there was still one more thing to do before he could lie back and let Mulder have his way with him\u00e2\u20ac\u201dat least, if he wanted Mulder to do everything Alex had said he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like. Squirming again, while Mulder rolled the condom onto his cock, Alex reached into the drawer and found a tube of lubricant. His aim was not so accurate this time\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe tube bounced off Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder and landed on Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s belly. He flinched from the cold slap of the tube, giggling. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sorry. Thought you might need that, too. Just in case, you know.\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s right hand tightened around his cock, fingers working beneath Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s scrotum like a cock ring, while the other hand slapped and tugged his balls. Alex gasped and his back arched, the giggles abruptly choked off. He crossed his arms over his head, and his heels dug into the mattress.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder growled, deep in his throat, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know what you want. Behave yourself, and you might get it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Bitch,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Alex gasped, hands scrabbling for a grip on the edge of the mattress.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Slut,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Mulder shot back, as he finished rolling the condom in place. The hard grip of fingers on Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock was deliciously satisfying. He wriggled into it, pushing his hips hard into the mattress, sinking into the sensation, rough and simple and good.<\/p>\n Still gripping Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s balls, Mulder nipped at his cock, then took the head into his mouth, sucking it hard. Alex whimpered and thrust. Mulder held him firmly, and settled into his rhythm, giving it to him hard and fast and wet, just like he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d wanted it. Alex felt the little animal cries gathering in his throat.<\/p>\n Then Mulder switched hands, moving his left hand to the base of Alex\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock, so he could reach for the tube of lubricant with his right, flipping the cap open with his thumb. Alex felt a dab of cold gel hit the inside of his thigh, and he gasped again, and his cock pulsed sharply. Then cool, slick fingers slid between his legs, and into his anus, and it was so good, so good, he could no longer think, he was gasping for breath, feline growls tearing from his lungs, his cock thrusting into the hot mouth, fingers working inside him, and it built and pounded and his orgasm rushed through him like a desert windstorm, hot and hard and overwhelming.<\/p>\n Mulder held him by the hips while he lay, his cock spasming, sucking in huge gulps of air. His limbs were helpless jelly. Alex felt his mind going black, and he fought it, not wanting to leave Mulder in the cold. But Mulder soothed him, and told him to sleep, so he let go, and sank into the dark, with Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s head on his hip and Mulder\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand cupping his cock. I love you, Mulder,<\/em> he thought, as he drifted away to sleep. Even he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know which Mulder he meant.<\/p>\n Back to Day Five<\/a> | Continue to Day Seven<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" ADULTS ONLY Contains explicit male\/male sex, BDSM, and disturbing themes. Pairing: Mulder\/Krycek\/Krycek Summary: Alex Krycek finds himself face-to-face with another version of himself in an alternate universe\u00e2\u20ac\u201da very dangerous and seductive Alex Krycek. Alex quickly realizes he may not live to see the morning, much less ever return to his own world. 1999 Disclaimer: The […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-127","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/127","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=127"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/127\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ratandfox.net\/ff\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=127"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}